It's All About Faith

As I approach a new year I look back at the peaks and valley's and see that I would have never made it to where I am today without faith that God was and still is getting me through all of this. I see that everyday I have more faith than I did the day before. Each day I strive for something a little different. Some days I fall short of the mark. Some mornings I forget to pray but as the Big Book says go back to it in due time. As this new year of 2013 approaches I want to be able to continue to be the free man that I have become these last few months. I want to be able to continue to be proud of who I am and what I am becoming. I want to become the change I want the world to see. I have many goals I want to set but I want to take them in a realistic manner. Not set goals too big and not accomplish them and be disappointed. I want to take on my goals with truth and energy.
I want to be a man of God, a friend among friends. A worker among workers. I want to finally be happy in this world. I have come this far and I will continue.
Tonight I have a little fear about my job. What will it bring me. Where will I be with my employment status. I turn it all over to God. I say a prayer thanking God for seeing me through. Asking God to enlarge my area and move on. Trusting that God will take care of this. It all about faith.

Saturday Morning

It is something about Saturday mornings that I love to sleep in later and wake up and hear the silence. Feel at peace. I never felt this kind of peace before until I accepted who I am. Today my serenity and peace are one. I have been thinking back to the day I knew I needed to take the steps to become a the man I was always suppose to be I knew within in my heart a long time ago that I was different.
AA was always telling me that I am not unique. But I knew deep down something was different with me. That I was hiding something deep inside. I thought it might have been about the abuse. But I have worked on that. I have come to accept what has happened. I am even at a level of forgiveness about that. What I have learned in my recovery is that I have to forgive in order to stay healthy. I have to be at peace about those things that shake my emotions. Always accepting that its Gods will not mine.
So this morning I wake up thinking about the steps I took in order to accept my transition. The steps I took to start my transition and the steps I am still taking in living my transition.
I am at peace. I use to worry about what friends and family were going to think but I no longer have that deep rooted fear. What I do have is a feeling of peace and that I feel is what living is all about.

Peace

I find that every day I get more at peace about everything that is happening in my life. In AA we have the 9 step promises. It tells us that we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. That we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and know peace. I am feeling that way right now. I have some fears but I just keep having the faith that God is going to see me through all of this. I have faith that I will be okay.
It's the same faith I had when I crossed over to the other side with my transition. It's the faith I had when I step out every day as Charley the man. Not worried about what people think or feel about me.
I have faith that every thing is going to be okay in my life. I know I have God on my side.

Christmas Eve

So its Christmas Eve. I am working today nothing special about today. But it seems to me to have a special feeling in the air. I feel for the first time during the holidays very free. I am who I am these days and I have learn to accept so many things in my life. This is the time of year that people reflect back on who they are, what they have done etc. I too find myself doing that. I find myself wanting to be in a better place then where I am now. I stop myself because that is such self centered behavior to feel like this. It's not about where I want to be but where I am at the moment and accepting that.
I have learned so much in the last few years. The last few days I find myself thinking about Jen a lot and how broken I was when I came to her. How through trust and faith I left her a much better person. Someone who was growing whole. Someone who was willing to be teachable again. I thank God for that time with her and that time I had with God. How God has kept me through every situation I have encountered.

I realized that I don't write as much as I would like. I feel like I have a story in my heart and soul. But how can I express that to others if I am not taking the action to get it done? I have to make a pact with myself that I need to write at least 90 minutes out of every day. If I miss I need to make up for that time.
Can I do this? Yes I can do this. Its call discipline. Something that many times I lack
I have to get my story out there, I have to be heard.

Change In My Life

I feel like I am on the verge of having some big changes happen in my life. I have realized one thing. I am burned out in the career of sales. The fear I have is that its all I know. But there has to be more that I can do with my life. I try and look at what makes me happy. I am basically very happy with my life. Very happy with my transition, happy with my living situation. I am not happy with my finances and how I would like to be making more money.
This job I have now was once again one of those I have to take it or else I starve jobs. I was up against the wall. I know they say its a lot easier to find a job with a job and that is exactly what I am going to do. Continue looking. Praying that Gods will is that I get a job that I am content with and feel like I am making a difference.

I never dreamed that my life would be so easy as it is right now. It has it ups and downs but I am so content with where I am. I never thought I would be content single. That I always needed to have someone in my life. That I would have to be in love or in lust with someone. Right now I am okay with me just being with me. I am loving me more every day. As I look back I see how miserable I was with my self. I could never had said I like me, I am okay with where I am, that life is pretty good. What made the change? I think a lot of it has to do with the great therapy I got for about two years. I think some of it has to do with the meds that I take and finally I think there is just a mixture of my life sober having a more concrete feel to it.

Last week I went to the training for this job in North Carolina. I had lots of time to think and pray and it was good. I also watched people drink. I realized that it could have been me. It could have been me headed to the bar before heading to dinner. It could have been me the next day smelling like stale alcohol. But it was not. I was fresh and ready to tackle the day. I had this small lingering fear that I would not be able to retain information by studying. It was hard but I was able to do it with very little problems.
I felt like it had been so long since I did the classroom thing that it was going to be difficult. As I had to study hard I made it
Once thing I realized that I just did not give myself credit is that I can do!

Passing

I have this new job and have been in North Carolina all week. It has been such a relief to be able to pass as male with no questions. Everyone knows me as a man and I am accepted in the men group just like one of the guys.
It is amazing what men will talk about. I have had the chance to hang out with them in the bar and get to know some of them. They talk about their wives and girlfriends and yes even freely talk about sex and its just a free flow of conversation. Of course it also gets a little more informative as they continue to drink and get a little more free with their conversation.
I found myself at times a little nervous that I might not be able to say the right thing or just do something that would dime me out.
What I realized was that I just needed to be myself and everything would be okay.

Why Do They Stare

People who know me are beginning to stare at me like I am something from space. Could it be my own fear of what I feeling and people are not staring at all? I want to think that its not me.I want to think that these people in AA are not staring at me. I have changed a little more of a defined mustache. It makes me feel a little uneasy and sometimes I want to just shave it off and blend back into the woodwork.
I have moment when my GID comes out raging and I just feel like what the hell do I have to go through this? It would have been so simple if I was born a man. Am I crazy to be feeling like this? Am I crazy for doing this? I just wish sometimes it was a little easier.
Every time I go the doctor and see someone different I have to explain. Who I am and where I am headed in my life. Each time it goes well but its just the anxiety before hand. Guess that makes sense. I find that writing more about my feelings this week has helped. The most important thing I need to remind myself is to be completely honest about my fears I write on this blog for two reasons to be heard and to let the feelings out.

More Stuff

So I am at an AA meeting today and really started to feel so isolated from everyone in the room. It was not a feeling of being scared or really no emotion at all. Just realized that there was no one in the room like me. I mean there was one other black guy there but a trans guy. Maybe I need to stop thinking of myself as a trans guy and just look at myself as a man. But I have a hard time doing that sometimes. I know I am different and that there are not any black transmen in Charlottesville other than me.
It was the same when I was getting sober. I was the only black butch lesbian or just a lesbian. I was accepted by everyone but it is and was the truth is I was different. I try to keep my ego about that in check most of the times but really it can be lonely. I don't know how to feel hanging out with the women still or should I make relationships with the straight guys? Will they accept me knowing what I am. I have been very honest in AA as to my journey.
I have to really pray about this and talk this over with other older trans guys. Sometimes I really wish I lived somewhere else. A larger city where there are more people like me.
I realized that more today than ever. I find myself really wanting more contact with transmen.
For now I will just continue to be me.

Stuff

Preparing for next week when I go out of town for this job. Hoping that I don't have to reveal too much about my personal life. Really feeling like I don't care if I have to or not. I am who I am. 

This week a young trans girl has been reported missing from Charlottesville. It has effected me because this girl and I have crossed paths. She met me at the booth during Charlottesville's Pride. She talked at great lengths with me about her struggles and how all she wanted was to be on hormones to complete her life.

I pray that she is safely returned back to her family. I pray that where ever she is that she is okay.

I just went last week to the Transgender Day of Rememberance and I was so effected as the names of these young people were read. Killed because of who they wanted to be. 

I wonder in this town what people think of me? I so want to just be another face in the crowd. Not go into a usual eating place and be called a woman because that is what they remember.I just want to be another face in the crowd. Just your average guy making it through life. Is that too much to ask for?

I need to get back to writing more about my feelings and fears. Get them down on paper. Sometimes just writing this out helps. 

Sunday Morning

So I start this new job next week and once again I will have to go through the explanation about why the name change when they do their background check or maybe not.
I pray that God will allow me to keep this job and I can have some longevity with it.
There is so much I want to do and it all evolves around having money. Like having the surgery and being able to travel to Dallas in March. Finally meeting a group of transmen of all ages. What a wonderful feeling that will be to finally meet some of the men that I admire and would like to have as a mentor.

So this Sunday morning has been quiet and a morning of getting things done. As I am at my computer looking out the window I feel the warmth of the sun coming through the window pane. It is soothing, and comforting. It's almost the same feeling I had the day I announced to myself and to Jen about my questions about my gender. When it was out and I was able to speak those words I felt the sunlight of the spirit wash over me. It was as if I was reborn.

I have been praying a lot lately and have recently started a fasting once a week to get closer to God. It is really something now today I feel like I am looking forward to doing this. Just building a better relationship with God and getting stronger in my faith.
I guess I am just growing up. I never would have dreamed that I would be fasting and praying and praising God the way that I do now. I am at peace with myself, my family and with God. It is an amazing feeling to be at peace. To be able to match calamity with serenity. The promises throughout the Big Book are coming true for me. I am nowhere near where I want to be but thank God I have faith that I will get there.

Oh No I Am In Panic Mode

Out running errands last night and realized right in Walmart that I was in panic mode. I saw an old school mate and here I am with mustache growing and he is screaming my name Charlotte from across the store.
I had already ditched down an aisle from seeing one old friend. Now I was going to encounter this guy face to face. I have not had this feeling in a long time. This do I have to explain or what will they think. Hating that they are still referring to me as Charlotte and using the pronoun of she and her. Do I just blurt out and say hey you are wrong I am no longer Charlotte, or do I just let it go? This and where the rubber hits the road. I should not feel shame for who I am now. But people who I see once every few years what difference does it make?
I realized tonight in a meeting that I might have the same fear going to meetings. I don't talk as much as I use to since my transition. I want to think a lot of it has to do with just being calm and willing to listen. I don't want to think its because I am hiding. I am trying to not be in the light. People will look, people will wonder the new ones why some people are still referring to me as she.
I don't know tonight and last night I really was dealing with my GID. Guess some days are better than others.

Wreckage of My Past

I feel like since I have lost this job that the wreckage of my past is coming into play. I keep thinking about my decisions to drink instead of going to school. To drug instead of going into the military when I could have. To listen to negative responses from my Mother when I wanted to make decisions about going away to school. I I know there is no reason to look back but with what little formal training I have I see how I have kept myself down all these years. I feel the pinch of it now. I can do one of two things. Continue to stay in this misery or do something about my lack of training. I just have to keep praying that God is going to do the right thing for me. That I just can't keep suffering like this financially. There is a world out there for me to enjoy and live and I deserve that living. I pray that I continue to keep the faith that everything is going to be okay. That I will stop looking at my past. But the Big Book say I will not regret my past or shut the door on it. So I have to acknowledge it and move on. Know that God is putting me through this for a reason and stay strong. It will be okay.

Writers Block

Okay so I want to do some writing that I have neglected to do for the last several months. Well almost a year. I have writers block and just can't seem to get motivated to get moving on this. I have so much to say, so much to get out, but I just come to this crossroads. Can't seem to put it down on paper. What do I need to do? I will just keep praying and asking God to direct me to what he will have me to do with this matter.
I have decided that with this particular problem and the problem with no job at the moment that I am going to turn it all over to God. I have also been reading about fasting and how I can get closer to God that way. What I need to do is have faith. Faith without works is dead. I think that is where I am right now with my writing. I have little faith that what I need to put down on paper makes any difference. It will make a difference to me. I just need to start and I believe it will start flowing. Come out and I will be a better person for doing that. I need to have faith in me. Something that is a problem right now.

Still On The Path

I could write about fear all day long. I have fear that has been surfacing a little more since I lost the job last week. What am I going to do? Will the bills be paid? Will I have enough money to survive? So many questions and I have been searching for the answers. I realized that there are no answers. As John Lennon said there are only solutions to the problems. My solution is that I will be okay, I will make it, I will find another job. I will continue to go through these moments of fear these moments of panic. What I need to do is step back and know that God is in control. He will walk with me not ahead, not behind but with me.
I have to exercise this faith with all my strength. As the bible says the size of a mustard seed. I gotta keep the faith. I realized today its okay to have fear. It's more than likely a little normal to be feeling fearful. It's when I allow the fear to over take me that I know its a problem. I am so amazed at where I am in life. I feel like my feet are planted on solid ground. There are curves and bumps along the road but I am on the road and that is what is important. I am still on the path.

Changes

I realized how much life has changed for me since I have transition. I am no longer a part of the lesbian world. I am now a man and looked as a man. It just sort of hit me like a ton of bricks of living here in Charlottesville I have alienated myself again with a new label. There are very few FTM's here and I am feeling the loneliness today. I really need to decide if this is the place I am going to live out the rest of my years Maybe its time to move on to another place, Maybe God is telling me the changes that are happening need to happen in a new place. I sure am not getting anywhere in this time. Always one foot ahead and three steps backwards. Always struggling. When does this struggle stop for me? I am trying to keep the faith with these employment changes but I really need a break here I am feeling bits and pieces of fear but I keep trying to turn it over. Turning it over. Its what they tell me in AA. Turn it over. The weekend I had a little bit of fear when I would be alone. Fear that I am here in this time all alone. Here with no job, no social circle of the FTM's just alone. I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself but its true. I am like a fish out of water when it comes to my transition. More prayer and more faith That is where I need to be. Changes are going to happen. I have to accept that. Change will change my life. I just have to hang on.

In My Head

Been sort of in my head the last few days. I just can't seem to get the fucking break I need with this damn employment. Laid off again from yet another job. This time I really didn't see it coming. Last Wednesday morning I woke feeling a little scared, having that fear that this might be my last day with this company. I guess my gut feeling was right. Within two hours I was once again without a job. Living in slight financial fear again. Having to put on the song and dance routine for interviews. What is God trying to tell me? Am I suppose to do something else in my life? I need to get quiet and await for God's answer. I know he has one for me. I know I just need to wait this out and God will provide. I have this faith, I have the belief. But there is still that small amount of fear. Sometimes it's like I have these moments of oh shit! I have to catch my breath and remind myself that I have been here before and I will get through this. I have to get through this. Fear and bad moments don't last forever.
I have to be vigilant with what I need to do with my life moving forward. I just need to speak my fear about everything. Job, relationships, money life stuff.
The most important thing is to keep my sober life intact. By that I need to continue to work my steps, go to meetings and just live my life emotionally sober.
I have to keep the faith, have to know that God has my back.
I have been reading a lot about following my dream. My dream has been to be a published author. Could this be what I do with the free time that I am going to have. Continue to put my words down on paper? I know all this sounds so crazy. Here I am with no job and I want to be a starving artist! It makes me smile. But its my dream. I have a story to tell, I have words that need to speak out. Help someone and help myself. By putting the words down I have in my journey to my healing. I have come to a lot of healing moments but there are more. I love the thought that I will always continue to heal from one thing or the next. But I have so much time to catch up on my healing So much to speak about. So much to acknowledge that it was not my fault.
Do I love my life right now? I do. I just wish it was a little better. But it's okay it is what it is for the moment.

Sunday morning

I like Sunday mornings. Quiet and peaceful. I use to not feel the serenity that days like today is giving me. I was so caught up in my head that I just could not feel or see the beauty. Today is so different. I am so different. Does this come from taking T? Having some therapy under my belt? On meds? I think it might be a combo of all of them. I also think that I am just maturing into the person I am becoming. I don't worry about what people think of me. 

I have had a little inside battle this week about my growing mustache. It is becoming more visible and I worry what my family is going to think. But after a lot of soul searching I have to live to be me. This is what this journey is all about. I have not driven the miles that I have every other week to Richmond, long hours of therapy and a lot of soul searching to be scared or concerned about that others think of me. It's non of my business what they think of me. They are going to be uncomfortable with whatever I do. First they were uncomfortable about my lifestyle. Then who I loved, now its my transition. It's all okay. As long as I am comfortable with who I am it's all that matters. 

I have been writing a lot more lately and determined to write at least 2500 words per day. That is my goal. I am not sure I will meet it but its what I have put upon my soul to do. It helps to put those words of the feelings from the past down on paper. I can feel it and just move on.

I have been packing more lately and it is such a great feeling to pack. It helps with me feeling caught in between lives. It helps with being more in touch with my masculine side. It just gives me a better feeling all together. Hard to explain but it just does. I am saving money to buy a STP and will be wearing this at all times. It's another step towards being the man I am suppose to be. I really am excited and can't wait until I have all the money saved to do this. 

I went to UVA on Friday and met with my Endo doc. She was very understanding and I am actually her first transman that she will be seeing. We spent a a lot of time just talking. I was afraid that they were going to require that I have more therapy. She was very impress with my letters of support and actually everything took less than an hour and I was out of there.

I then went for a job interview. My goal is to find a better job by the end of the year. One that pays a little better and one that I have some health benefits. I pray every night that God will enlarge my financial, and employment territory. I pray that I will have someone in my life to share these joys with. I pray that my life becomes complete. I am heading in the right direction and it all takes time. But I am becoming the man I want the world to see.

One Year

September 13 was one year of being on T. I am a little late writing about this. I did a quiet celebration of my anniversary. I don't know its like its not complete. I want to have top surgery so bad. It's hard trying to save money on the salary that I am currently making. But I just keep praying for a better job, just keep praying that something will work out and I can get the surgery that I so need to take that next step into my manhood.

I went to the Charlottesville Pride and worked a booth for Black Transmen Inc. It was official that in Charlottesville those who know me now know that I am a black transman and I am living my life as one.

I still have my moments with my family that scare me a little about what are they thinking. What are they saying. But I quickly let go of that fear and just know that I am living my life for me. It's time that I just simply step up and be who I was suppose to be all along. 

I have fear that I might not ever love someone in a intimate relationship because there are no women out there wanting someone who is trans. But that too will come in time. What I want to do is finish my novel, finish those thoughts and get them down on paper. See if it can help the next person like me who is attempting this late in life. 

To be their voice, to the print of their footsteps and follow me.

This week I am going to a new doc for my T. This will be at UVA. I am not sure what to expect from them. If they are going to be ignorant to what I need and treat me differently. I am prepared to defend myself on what medical services I need. I am not going to be afraid to speak up for what I need, what I am suppose to get for my health. 

So for today I am feeling okay. I am feeling like I am going to make it okay. I am on the right path and I am moving forward to being the person I am suppose to be. After a year on T. I am right on target.

Grateful Monday

So many things I am grateful for today. I just think that life is going okay now. I am grateful to have a job, a place to live, good friend to turn to when I need it. I am so grateful for Black Transmen Inc. They are opening doors for me I would have never step through. I am excited that I am going to run a Black Transmen booth at the Cville Pride fest. In the past I would have never even attended this let alone work a booth!
My self confidence is getting higher. I am much more comfortable with who I am.
I still have my struggle about my transition from time to time. I still struggle sometimes if this is the right thing to do. Will anyone ever love me and I love them again? Is this what God wants from me? Just questions that I am sure sometimes goes through the minds of almost anyone going through this.
I will have to ask some more of the trans guys if this ever crosses their minds. I know its less than it use to be. In the beginning I would get fearful and then those thoughts would come to mind.
Today they are less. But I still have them. I think of it like when I was getting sober and would second guess if this the the thing I want to do. Was I really an addict. The truth is my life got so much better after using that I don't want to go back out and try it and see. I just could not think of what my life would be like if it was like it was when I first came to AA.
I am grateful today just to be grateful. I still need to work on developing some stronger friendships with some trans guys. But I am reaching out more and helping some younger guys. Keeping check on them see how they are doing. Just putting myself out there more. It feels good to think about someone else. To be of service to someone other than myself. It gets me out of my head so.
Today I am so grateful

Sunday Morning

It's been awhile since I posted anything. I have got to get better at my writing. I am feeling really good about my transition. I am comfortable where I am and even more comfortable with my manhood. I wonder a lot where my path would be right now if I was born a male. Would I have been a substance abuser and drinker? Would I be married now with the kids and the house. What would my profession be? Making this change late in life is almost like a rebirth. I am starting for the first time. I feel the need to become a new person all over again.
I had this dream the other night that I was total male and I was having a drink at the bar with this woman. It was so real. I woke up thinking that was my glimpse into the world of what I would have been like if I was born male. I might have been able to drink. But this it the real life and I cannot drink I am a recovering alcoholic and in this life I cannot and will not drink.
In AA they call that a drinking dream. Have never had one in my 6 years of being sober. I have heard people talk about them but I had never had one. It tricky because I woke up thinking man was that a dream or did that happen? Thank God it was a dream!

So here I am on the Sunday morning enjoying the quietness and getting ready to start my day. Something about Sunday mornings it's quiet and serene. I yearn for those serene moments. I love just being with me in the quiet. My soul is at rest.

I promise to write more to become better discipline with writing in my blog as well as my personal writings that I have started.

Just For Today

So its been awhile since I post and I keep telling myself I am going to get better at this. But of course I slip. I have got to put my thoughts and feelings out here just to help me from keeping them all in.
I am doing okay. Work is good, my family is well and I am adjusting to life. I never thought I would say I am comfortable being single. But its is not all that bad. I have a good life right now. Just for today. I am feeling good about losing almost 30 pounds and am going to keep eating healthy and need to pump up the workout more. Right now I am going to workout at home since I am trying to save money and the gym is not something I can afford right now.
I was at one point doing 100 push ups and sit ups and need to get back to that. Man was I feeling strong when I was doing them! I don't know if it was all in my mind or if it was really happening but I felt like I was bulking up!
So since the last time I wrote I on here I guess I really had not talk about the changes that I am seeing since being on T for 9 months. I am beginning to get more hair on my thighs and knuckles. I know that a crazy thing to notice but hair on my knuckles was a big deal for me! I have to shave every day or I have that teenage fuzz look. I really don't need a beard or a mustache to make me the man I am wanting to be.
I guess I am just throwing a lot of random thoughts out here today.

My time with my therapist Michael is ending this month and we are having a hard time connecting. With me working in Richmond a lot we really could not connect. I am feeling okay with just chilling out for a little while and shopping around for a therapist this time what will understand the trans thing.
I remember when Jen left I was really sad and it took awhile for Michael and I to connect. I don't really think we ever really totally connected but he gave me what I needed for the time that he gave. I needed to be with a male therapist to get some of the male take on things.
I am going to take a holiday until about September on seeing a therapist and then I will find one through the Fan Free Clinic. Someone who has knowledge of the trans life.

Just for today I am good. I am feeling okay mentally and emotionally and I am relaxed with my life.
Just for today.

My Father

Today is the 7 year anniversary of my Fathers death. I remember it well. Being there by his side. How I wish I was clean, sober and healthy. I always think of these last 6 years of being clean and sober that the one person who would have seen my difference was my Father. No words would have ever needed to be spoken. He would have just understood and flash that smile. He would have had peace knowing that I had peace in my heart. Today I am moved by the mannerisms that I have like him. My actions and my words. I am often reminded of the things he said or did just by thinking about him.
Today I miss my Father and today I am proud to be like him.

Will I always be?

Man have I been sick all week. High fever, UTI shit. Got some antibotics for it yesterday. This is when I get a little pissed about still having parts of a woman when I suffer from these UTI's. Within the last 2 years I get a lot of them. But it has affected me more this time around. Perhaps because it has been the worst one yet. Usually not with a fever like this. Just don't have any energy at all. Will these be the things that will always remind me I am still a woman? Will I be fully able to walk this earth knowing I am the man I am suppose to be?
When someone slips and says ma'am or miss now it just spins my head a little. Thank God I have a filter today on my anger because someone who does not even know would be in my line of fire.
I often wonder what happened to that rage and to that anger and I realized that its all because of the acceptance of who I am. I am finally living the life I am suppose to live. Developing the body I am suppose to have and loving the person I was always suppose to love.
So today I just praise God for bringing me this far and being teachable to accept what he has in store for me.

Feeling Good

I realized this morning just what a good space I am in. I am moving forward with life. I still have moments of anxiety about what people think about me. Am I going to be figured out by people who just meet me. I really wish that I had moved to another area. I can't even imagine how freeing that would be. So I have some long term goals that I am going to start trying to shoot for being moved out of Charlottesville in the next 12 months. I realize the importance of setting goals.

On another note I am constantly seeing changes now in my body. Hair on my knuckles I know sounds crazy but I love looking at my hands now. Hair is coming out on my thighs and little fuzz on my arms! I feel so much more confident. It is amazing to watch these small changes occur.

Still horny as hell and don't know why I just don't find someone and take care of that! I realize that I am not the kind of person who just does one night stands. I want to save myself as a transman for someone who I will fall in love with and who will support me of this change. Not someone who is just interested in seeing what it would be like.

Okay so I am on the clock with work and need to get busy for the day. I need to come back later and write more. I just started again writing in what I will hope will become a book. It's all about growing up in being so confused with my gender. I am digging deep and looking into my childhood. Some of it is painful but many of them of the memories are so vague. I can't remember what it felt like to be a child.
I will keep working with that.

9 Months

So its been 9 months since I have been on T. A lot has changed in those 9 months. I have struggled financially and starting to pull myself back up slowly due to lost of jobs. I have mended a very good friendship and its stronger every day behind my becoming a good honest man. I feel more confident than ever with who and where I am. The motto for Black Transmen is Becomg The Change You Want The World  To See. That is where I am. I am changing and becoming that man. It has not been easy and my anxiety level surfaces from time to time. But the anxiety is no where near crippling like it use to be. Today my recovery program is strong, I am physically strong and mentally strong.
You know if I were to get into a relationship today, that person would be very lucky because of the secure, confident person I am evolving into.
I have so much to say about my growing up and where I am now. I have started writing a book but somehow I cannot put pen to paper to do. I have got to discipline myself to do better with that. As I need to discipline myself to do better with my daily blogging. I really need to get back to a daily journal here.
Life is good.

Long Time

It's been a long time since I have posted. Not sure I had a lot of words to say just living life one moment at a time. I did this 6 week workshop on Mindfulness Meditation. I have been incorporating that a lot in my life. Just being aware of everything I do and everything around me. I have gotten so comfortable being the man that I am becoming to be. I am accepted as a male at my new job. As a matter of fact the coworkers know nothing about my transition. It's has been so comfortable just being me.
I don't know about other transmen but there are moments when I am in the company of all men that I feel like they are going to figure me out. That I am going to do something that will give me away. I don't know what that something is, but I have just a twinge of anxiety about that.
I take a deep breath and try to get myself centered into being who I know I am suppose to be. An African American man just trying to make a living in this world.
As I look back over the last year I see how I have gotten stronger with every hurdle I have had to cross. I look at my spiritual level and how much it has increased. My faith is stronger than ever.
My next challenge is finishing my book. I have it in me, I just have to step out of the boat and continue the journey.

New Job

Been awhile since I have been here. Feeling a little anxiety this evening. Got offered a new job. Not the greatest of jobs for one reason is that they do not offer health care. I keep feeling like I just settle for jobs cause my back is up against the wall. So I let my anxiety fly for just a little while and now its time to bring myself back to reality. My unemployment runs out in 11 weeks. I have been unemployed since January. This is the first job offer. I need to accept this job. Do well on it and continue to move forward looking for my next opportunity. Who knows what it will be. I prayed for a job I got my answer. Just didn't tell God the specifics on what I wanted! :-)
So here comes the next part of this anxiety. I have had three interviews with these men. I have passed as a guy for all three interviews. Next week comes the test as I have to show ID and my ID still shows female. What do I do. Well I just suck it up and explain if I have to and move on.
I did not go through my transition thus far to be afraid. I am proud of who I am and I should not let this effect me in anyway. I just needed to get this out that I am having anxiety about it and what should I do.
I took it to my VA group of brothers on the Black Transmen site. Will get some of their experience, strength and hope on this.
The beauty of having a support system is one is never alone.

On My Own

Last night was the last night that I have to go to the Fan Free Clinic for injections. Yet another change in my life that is good. I am on my own with injecting myself. I feel yet another form of freedom.
My life is so serene today for many reasons. I have settled into my sober life, I have accepted being a transman. I am at peace with being alone. I love myself. I could just go on and on about what this peace and serenity means to me. I never thought I would be so at peace. One of the directors at the FFC last night joked and said when we see you again will you stop smiling so much! I have never been told that before. I always had this mad, serious, unhappy look on my face. Today I can feel my facial expressions are different. I am not saying that every day is a great day. There are some days I am filled with fear but it does not consume me any longer. I recognize it, accept it and move on.
Today I am grateful for the peace and serenity that fills my day. It has been all about acceptance of who I am.

Last Night In This House

So tonight is the last night in my home in North Garden. I am sad but its what has to happen. This was the home that my ex and I created and in a short time I found myself here alone. But so many things have happened with my life while being in this home. I arrived here a very confused butch or so I thought butch woman. It was here in the dark of night feeling so out of place that I discovered who I really am. That I am a man trapped in this body that is called a woman. That underneath this skin is the boy I always knew I was suppose to be.
Tonight I have one final time in this home. Reflecting and knowing that there is something out there greater for me. I just have to keep the faith and stay positive. God has my back.

Accepting Change

In AA we use the Serenity prayer a lot. I have been saying that prayer a lot these days. So many changes happening with me. Changes that I see physically and mentally because of the hormones. Changes that are happening with the move and with continued faith that I am going to be okay through all of this. Turning things over on a daily basics. I am see and feel the growth in me. I am becoming the man I also yearned to be. The one that I toyed with the idea at 16 what it would be like to be a boy. The one shoved aside for so many years. I am emerging to become someone I truly want to be around.
I still have my extreme lonely periods. Where do I fit in. No longer fit in with the women, never did really. Feel like I don't truly fit in with the guys. But I always was more comfortable around them. There is something different some sort of quietness to my soul. Is it a mixture of the acceptance of who I am? Could it be that I am just no longer depressed? That I am enjoying life even though I don't have anyone to share my joy with. Oh I have a few people that I could share this with, but I miss the intimate person. The person who will know all sides. That too will come in time. Or maybe not. I am not the one to for see what my future holds. That is where the Serenity Prayer comes in. To accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am gaining that wisdom to know the difference these days.

First Negative Response

So today I am doing some work and I had a cousin and his boyfriend (yes they are gay) helping me.
I thought it was as better time as any to tell them about my transition. My cousin just went on and on about why would I want to do this and he thought it was not something I needed to do.
His boyfriend was behind me 100%. He kept telling my cousin because it was what I wanted to do. He then went on to say they had been together 35 years and he had wanted to have a marriage ceremony but will have to wait until my cousins mother dies!
I said I was not waiting for anyone to die to be happy.
It really hit home because I thought of all people they would understand. I have to look at them and realize that they have their share of problems and ignorance about what I am doing. Should not let it effect me but just one more reason to know I might not have family and close friends to support me through this.

Connecting

Hooked up with some brothers last night and had dinner. They were all transmen. I felt so connected, so myself for the first time in my life. It was my first time being with African American transmen. I can't even describe how comfortable I felt and how I felt like I had finally arrived.
Earlier this week I was invited to dinner with a bunch of women. Other obligations lead me not to go. But I was also thinking that what I and my female friends need to realize is that no longer am I one of the girls. If I am coming along for the ride it will be as a male. More and more every day I am accepting my maleness. I am getting comfortable with becoming a male. Not sure what lead up to this or if it's just a step I was heading in and finally have gotten there. I am feeling much more a free man these days!

Manning Up

So I have now been on T for 5 months. I see changes that are beginning to take place and its all good. I need to now become a man full time. Not that I was not trying before, but I need to change the look so that its not any confusion with people that I am a man. Michael ( my therapist) and I talked about this on Friday. His suggestion was a good one about the earrings. Funny that its is taking me this long of a time to remove the earrings. Such a small feat to do but so fucking challenging. It's like another step to killing off Charlotte. As much as I want this there is a part of me that misses Charlotte. Even though I could not see a thing that would be female with Charlotte, I still miss that softness. I still grieve that killing off of Charlotte. Charlotte went through so much and remained strong. Charley is walking through his own shit too, but Charlotte was the survivor. So this week I will man it up a little more. Make my appearance just a little more masculine. I have to cause I believe in me. I trust where Charley is going to take me. Being Charley is going to be strong, loving and kind. Just like my Father. Charley will be the man that people look up to. Charley will be balanced and stable, a sober and clean black man that walks with respect.
I can't wait for the world to see the real Charley.

Life On Life Terms

It's been awhile since I have blogged. Call it lazy but really I just didn't know what to say. Life has been kicking my ass and I have just been taking the punches and keep getting up moving through the shit.
I still don't know where I am going to live by April. I just have faith that things are going to work out.
I really want all of this over. The move, getting out of this house, finding another job. All of it to just be done.
I want to get back to adjusting my life as trying to live as a man. I want to save money to have my top surgery and face life as life is handed to me. Maybe that is too much. Am I trying to play God? I have thought so many times about me in my transition. Am I playing God? I don't know. I know that I feel a fake in this body trying to pull if off as a woman. I know I am tired of being a woman wearing men's clothes. I want to fit the part I am presenting to the world.
Damn I knew this would not be easy but this shit is hard.

New Day

Amazing what a little sleep and some hope can do for the soul. This morning I woke up without the pitty party going on. Had a hell of a headache but it is now better. Amazing what stress can do to the body. My life is so uncertain right now. Not sure where I will be living in a few months, what the job situation will look like. But at least I know who I am. I have accepted my life becoming a man and I am clean and sober. Life is not all that bad. It's a new day and I just need to walk through each day 24 hours at a time.

Hard Day

Today has been a very stressful day but I have gotten through it. I realized just how much I miss not having a partner to help me with these types of things in life. As much as I think I can do things myself and don't get me wrong friends are good. I just wish I had someone to hold me and tell me its going to be alright. Of course I go straight to that fear that there will never be anyone in my life like that again. I quickly move that notion out of my mind. I don't know just for tonight I wish this house was not so quiet and no so lonely.
There I said it. The lonely word. I try to be strong and want others to think shit I am okay, I don't need anybody. The truth is I really do need someone in my life. But for tonight I will just take care of me and trust that on the hard days one day in the future I will not have to go through this alone.

Man Up

Today I felt a little disconnected from becoming a man. Not that I don't want to do this. I just am trying to figure out ways to pass off as a man more. Use to be that I was called sir all the time. Now its the opposite. What the hell is going on? What do I need to do to man it up some more? Not sure what I need to do to change things. It is a little disappointing that I am going through this and even strangers can see that I am still female. Bad enough I have to wait to go through surgery to have my gender changed. I am a man in mind, a man in my body and a man in my world. Why can't people see that? What do I have to do?
I don't want to come across as hardcore, that is just not my style. Is it the way I am dressing? The way I carry myself? So many fucking questions. So fucking frustrating.

End Of A Day

It's nearing the end of another day. I am grateful that I did not have the desire to take a drink or a drug today. That I was of service to someone else. I woke up this morning thanking my Higher Power for the start of the day. I will end my day by thanking my Higher Power for getting through this day. I feel more confident in things today and feel more at peace again. I like it when I can piece together several days of serenity. So for tonight I can look back and see that today has been a good day. Confident in the man that I am becoming.

Another Tuesday

Another Tuesday and I am taking action to do what I need to do. I am up to 100 push ups and 100 sit ups! I am determine to get rid of these last 60 pounds! Bulk up a little and feel good about myself.
I keep thinking what would like be like if I lived in a bigger city with more resources for my transition. Would I reach out for the help? I not one to ask for help up front. I keep trying to do it myself until I have exhausted all possibilities. I guess I have just done things myself all my life that asking for help is hard.
I wish I could hang out with people like me. Trans/Gay and trans friendly/African Americans. It gets hard just being here in Charlottesville. Most of the time I continue to feel like that lone wolf. Standing at the top of the mountain looking down. I guess at least I am on top instead of looking from the bottom up!
Today I am going to concentrate on looking for a job, writing and getting a meeting in. I feel so creative lately. Like I have so much to say that I really do need to put it down on paper. Let my feelings flow into words.
So it Tuesday and it will be a productive day!

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Choices

So I am here researching the internet for items that I need. I am looking at packers, stp's. Not sure which one to choose. The great thing about this is I have brothers from Black Transmen that I can turn to that will guide me into the right choices of the items I need to purchase. I had a wave of anger come over me that I have to do this. Why couldn't I have just been born a man? Why do I have to find shit that will make me a man instead of just having the proper tools. I know everyone goes through this and I need to express it but I guess I reacted because of the fear of the unknown. Not knowing what to get and how to use it all that shit.
I will learn and I will be willing to be taught. Just needed to vent.

Monday

Went to an interview this morning and think I did fairly well with the interview itself. Will just do the waiting game now to see if I get called back for a second interview. As I was there talking with the guy I felt so confident as to who I am and what I have to offer someone in the work place. As I walked in the cold misty rain on the downtown mall I never felt so connected with who I am. Even through my life on life terms obstacles I am moving through life at the pace my Higher Power wants me to move. The situations in life will always be there I just have to take the action to change what I can and leave the rest. I can truly say that for today my soul, spirit and mind are at rest. I just have to take it one day at a time.
I have been thinking about goals for the year and what things do I want to do just for me. I know I want to continue writing I know I have something to say. I know I might be able to help the next person my age come out to be who they truly are.
So its Monday and I have accomplished a few things and will continue to move through the rest of this day in peace and serenity.

Coming To Terms

I have struggled so these last few weeks about the next steps I need to take to become the man I want the world to see. Should I change my dress, should I remove earrings, shave or not to shave. I am learning that I can be any kind of man I choose to be. I no longer have to meet the standards of this planet to dictate how I should look. I am slowly becoming the man I want to be.
I now have women taking a second look and of course my paranoid mind wants to say its because they wonder. I now have a whole new struggle to deal with. Who do I date. Will straight women want to date someone who has not gone completely through the change over to a man? Are lesbians wanting to be with someone who is stepping over the fence to be a man? Am I attracted to gay men? So many questions about my sexuality. I put it on the back burner as life on life terms comes up. But I have to address this sooner or later. Am I a gay man, a straight man? What am I? Does it make a difference who I am as long as I am free and happy with myself?
So many questions but I have plenty of time to address that.

Life As A Black Man

So lately I have been wondering why I am getting these looks of fear from white women. I finally realized living here in Virginia and in the south that I am now one of the most feared creatures to the white society. I am a black man. I dress professionally, I speak and walk with confidence. I was getting paranoid and thought it was because they could not figure out who I am. It's what every black man has had to endure in the south all their lives. Fear. I have had women cross the street and keep looking back. No its not that they are attracted to me, its the look of fear and panic in their eyes.
So as I continue my journey as a black man I also can look at this from another genders prospective as well.

Been Awhile

It's been awhile since my last entry. Lot going on in my life but I just continue to try and have some faith that it will all work out. I feel like my hormonal changes are all good. I am gaining more confidence in myself, can speak up for me without getting angry. Could this be changes because of the T? Or am I just gaining confidence in myself because of who I am becoming? I feel so free these days even in the midst of all the changes I am doing. I might be isolating a little but I think its the down time that I needed. Here is a fear that I need to get out. As I am looking for a job, I have changed the resume to state Charley. When I am getting calls people are saying he and yes sir. What the fuck do I do when I get to the face to face interview? Have to check with the other guys in my group about that? These days I am up for getting suggestions on about any life changing thing I am doing. I guess AA taught me that. Amazing what I bring with me through being in recovery.
While I am home I try and stay productive and busy. Up to 100 push ups a day and 100 sit ups. Work out with a couple of guys online through video chat. I never realized what I comfortable feeling I had being able to see those two and talk to them. It was amazing. It was just like I was where I belong.
I need to be able to write more and get my feelings down on paper on screen whatever. This is my journey and I want to be able to record it somehow. Just for my own personal keepsake. Perhaps it could help another older guy like me new in transition.
So its been 4 months on T. It seemed like yesterday I was given the script and now its been 4 months. At 6 months I can start giving the injections myself! I think for me through everything that has happened and happening, I am still able to stand tall and be the man I need to be. It is amazing to see this.
I am feeling a down about the possibility of having to move and no real job. I still have everything I need to get me through. I am becoming the man I want the world to see.

Just Another Day....

Nothing special about this day. Just here chilling out and taking the action to move forward. I am feeling hopeful about so many things. The possibility of some dating, new career path and really wanting to settle down and do some service to my community. I also have a goal of losing a few more pounds of course everyone has that goal! I need to start doing more push ups to strengthen the upper body for top surgery some day. So many things in my life but I just have to keep reminding myself its a day at a time and each day is just another day.

Been listening to music again that is a good thing. Music enriches my soul. I had stopped listening to music last year because I was just in this bad space. When I did listen to music is was depressing music. Today I want to listen to the type of music that stirs my soul, that pumps me up to be ready to get through whatever task is ahead of me.

The last few days I have felt more in touch with my maleness than ever before. I am feeling so confident in me. Feeling like this is the right thing and I am on the right path. Last Tuesday when I fell found out about the job, I questioned everything. I just went to that dark place. It was okay though I didn't stay in the dark space. I recognized that I was there and I just kept on moving. What do I owe this to? God doing for me what I can't do for myself. I simply turned it over to that power greater than me.

At this moment, at this time. I am me, I am confident in what I believe in and I am ready to move through life and do what I need to do to make a difference.

New Year New Life

I have had a lot to reflect on these last few days about my life. The path in which it is going. How much control I have in it. I know that I let my Higher Power that I choose to call God take control of the wheel. But I also know that I have to step up and take the action. I can't just ride this journey for free!
So many changes last year. Some for the better all for the good is the way I am looking at it.
So right now I am in search of that next better job, in search of that next person to love and in search of the man I am becoming.
It's a new year with a new life. I am learning more and more every day to just remain teachable. Remain willing to listen, willing to step up and walk out on that water without fear.
I remember once being in so much fear that I was not going to ever love someone if I became trans. That I would forever remain alone. I have to take the action to get to know people and that is happening right now and it feels good to have someone interested in getting to know me for me. Take it slow boy is the motto I am chanting to myself. Don't let the ego get in the way. Just move slow, get to know and have some fun in the process.
I am approaching this new year with a new attitude. I am no longer that scared little boy hidden behind the shield of woman. I am no longer that lost child waiting to be save. I am a man moving towards my life in a direction that I have control, I have the wheel. I can choose who to bring along for the ride. I can change passengers whenever I want and even sometimes I can step out of the way and let someone else drive.
It's all my choice. This is a new year with a new life and I am in charge along with my Higher Power.