Just Stuff

Got a lot of stuff going on in my head. I am feeling pretty good about myself this week. Feeling confident. But man that feeling of I want to hide when I see people from my past can come on so quickly.
I see people from my past at work and I find myself hiding. Like today I saw a few old friends from the past and I would not go up and speak to them. First I have not shaved in a few days so I got the beard thing going on. Second I just don't want for them to out me at work. I know I need to step up and not worry about that but its something that I fight with daily. What if I get caught at work and people find out that I was a girl once named Charlotte.
I see now it might be some help to go find another therapist to throw this stuff off at. A different perspective. But then there is the problem of finding someone who deals with trans issues. I don't know its a lot I thought I dealt with a lot with the name change and telling some people. It's down to the nitty gritty now and its a little scary.

Fear

Something as simple as wanting to let my beard and mustache grow gives me a little fear in the pit of my stomach. What will people think who know me as a woman. How do I explain if one of them asks? Will my family think I have gone crazy? Will it confuse my 96 year old Mother who already in her bouts of confusion not know who I am. What do I do?
This is when I wish two things. I was already born a man and that I did not live in this area. It would be so simple to be in a city away from people I grew up with and be who I truly am.
Am I being a sell out trying to be something I am not? What about the honesty I want to be who I am suppose to be?
I need to get feedback from others I am sure I am not the only one going through this. I am not alone in this nor am I unique.