Frustrating

Before T I was referred to as sir, he a lot more than I am now. Am I more sensitive to it now? Was it happening all along? What do I need to do to "look" more male? I just want to feel comfortable in my skin and be comfortable with who people see me as.
I feel like I need to 'man it up" more. I have to ask others is this normal. I am learning to reach out more and ask for help. Never going to step out of the boat and feel more comfortable unless I put myself out there.

So it's Saturday night and I am a little lonely being in the house all alone. I wish for more. But what more do I want? A relationship? Friendships? What am I feeling like I am missing. This too is frustrating.

For tonight I will just rest and find some peace.

Changes

I really thought I would have seen a few changes since starting the "T". I can't see anything but have been told about how my facial features are changing. Guess it was sort of like when I stopped drinking and drugging. People were saying they were seeing a difference in me but I could not see it. I am slowly feeling more comfortable in my body. So much to think about with my life. I am only at the beginning of this with changes. But I fear what people are going to think. I have to admit my fear. If I keep it inside it just festers and grows. In the past I would keep all this stuff in and it would then just explode. I am beyond the exploding stage. I am all about what is the next healthy step.
I am so glad I connected with the VA Chapter of the Black Transmen. This is going to be a great support to me. I will be able to have people like me and I will be able to finally see someone like me. Think like me.

So today I watched two coworkers be given their pink slip. I felt a lot of fear at the moment. Knowing that I have seen this before. Letting someone go and then in a few months everyone is gone. I can't just watch now and do nothing. I have to take action. I could step outside of myself so quickly and see that wave of fear come over me. First thoughts were who would hire me now? What am I going to do now. I stopped myself and went right to helping those two guys by talking to them and being there for them. I did what the program of AA has taught me. To get out of myself help the next sick and suffering person. I worry about one of the guys because he is a member of AA. He could very easily go out and take a drink. I just have to pray that he does the next right thing.

As for me them leaving will be yet another change at the job. But it also for today is not me. Just keep doing what I am doing and I will be okay.

Peaceful Sunday

I woke up this morning and listened to the Sunday morning sounds. Quiet, peaceful, serene. A work week that was like the strong winds that blow, it has not become the calm after the storm. My feelings about work, future etc was just the strong wind blowing. Wind is going to blow and I have to learn to ride the storm. I never thought I would be able to feel this way. Always thought that life was just a big storm. The reality is my life is good. I am just where I need to be. I am who I am because of the choices I have am taking. Life is good. I am going to have more storms and more craziness in my life. It's what I do with it today that will help my tomorrows.
I am okay.

Early Morning

I woke up early. Guess I have a lot to think about. With job and future and stuff. But I keep reminding myself what Jen said. The rear view mirror is a lot smaller than the windshield for a reason. So I am going to keep reminding myself of that. Amazing though I am not in freak out mode about the job. I am just getting myself geared to be in survivor mode. I have to take action to make up for the lost money I will have. I just have to step up and do the next right thing.
I quickly thought last night that the timing for all of this is bad. How do I present myself at my job as one thing and I am becoming someone else? If I interview for a job now who am I? Damn these are the thoughts that woke me up. But I just started praying and started writing. It's the only thing I know how to do right now.
I have been thinking so much about Jen lately. What Would Jen Suggest That I Do? That is a little saying I am repeating to myself when I feel up against the wall. No need to tell Michael. It's just not working with us. That is okay. I am giving it till the holidays and then I will look at things then. I am okay for now with ME and GOD and God and I. If I need to bounce stuff off of someone I will. I have learned a lot about keeping those sick secrets. So its 6:30 in the morning and the start of my day. I am grateful to wake up and feel free. Grateful I can recognize my feelings and can work through it. Grateful to be a part of another day.
I have to take the action that is needed to make my life complete. I will do that I will move forward and not be crippled by the anxiety that life can bring.

In The Middle Part 2

I am beginning to get stares out in public. It was the same stares when I was larger with more weight on. Weighing in at close to 500 pounds 7 years ago. I got stares and eyes rolled and laughter. Last few days I get the stares like what is that? Is it a man? Is it a woman? Could it be me being more sensitive to what I am trying to become? Could it be a mixture of both? I am feeling a little uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment. I am operating off of a little more fear.
Got word that my job is suffering like every other company during these times. Cutting our hours back. I think right now I don't want to look for another job. Just came out to these people as to what I am doing. They have been very accepting. Fear about money, fear about applying for another job. But I just am trying on a daily basics to take these fears and give them to God. Have faith that my Higher Power is going to ease my fears and things will work out the way they are suppose to.
Funny thing about fear it always seems to just come on me at different times. It's like a big ugly bird that swoops down and tries to grab me. I am trying to figure which direction to go to and it just keeps flapping its large, dark wings. If I just close my eyes and open them it's gone. Just my imagination. It's never as big as it seems or dark. I just have to stop and take a deep breath and recognize that it will be okay.

I feel stuck in the middle with therapy right now too. I know with this cut in pay I am going to have to cut my time back. Co pays are too high to pay every week. I am a little fearful of that too. I am also trying to get into some sort of groove with Michael. It's just not clicking. It's missing something. It's not feeding me what I need or what I was getting with Jen. Again is it me? What adjustments do I have to do? I need to talk to Michael about this and I will. AA has taught me that your secrets keep you sick. I don't want to be sick any longer and I am not one to keep secrets not with something as important as therapy right now
Why did Jen have to leave? It's all a process of growth. I accept that.I just don't like it.

Caught In The Middle

A lot of days I feel so caught in the middle. Am I male or female? When do I become completely male? Will it be when my name change is official? Is it when I feel more emotionally fit in my new world? I feel like I am walking this alone. All I have to do is reach out to others. I will go to the support group Tuesday night. Get back with at least transmen. They are different. No black transmen, no one my age At least we all have one thing in common. We are men trapped in another genders body and we are traveling a new journey to create ourselves
I miss Jen more the last few weeks. As much as I am trying I am not feeling a connection with Michael. I have tried more and more but there is a wall. A barrier. Is it me? Can I try harder?
I just don't know how much longer I need to give this before moving on. I will try just a little while longer. I have to keep reminding myself he is not Jen and he will not be bringing to the table what Jen brought. He is bringing something different. I am not one to give up on any thing any longer. I will not give up on therapy with Michael

Thoughts

Spent time today when I was cutting grass thinking about all the changes in my life that have taken place. The changes that has happened and the ones becoming up. I felt a sense of fear for just a moment thinking about the challenges ahead of me. Today I felt the loss of not being in a relationship. Not being able to come home and share details both intimate and just the whatever moments. I realized that it could be that I will be even more alone as the changes happen with my gender changes. I have to keep reminding myself that I am okay with where I am right now. That it is okay to be alone and it is okay to be single going through this.
That I am healthy and free to move around the universe today. I am who I am because I chose the path of healthy instead of sick.
I read Jen's letter that she wrote me today and it made me sad but hopeful. The last line in her letter is that the rear view mirror is smaller that the windshield for a reason. I need to buckle up and drive without fear. Look at whats ahead but always pay attention to what is happening now. The now is that I am happy, I am healthy and I have a sense of freedom.
There is more I will write in the days to come about therapy and how its just not working for me right now But for today I am going to enjoy that freedom I am feeling at the moment. Looking out the windshield at the drive in front of me at the moment. Feeling okay and knowing I am making the right decisions about my life