Family Gatherings

So today I gather with my family. The pronouns will be different. I will not be looked at as Charley but as Charlotte. Will I correct them or just let it slide? These are the questions that float constantly in my mind with friends and family. Amazing though my AA community accepts my changes and respects my wishes. Why is it that family does not? Could it be that I need to instill it more to them? I don't know I just wish I was born a male. That way none of this would have to happen. I wouldn't have the fear in the gut feeling every time I fill out an application or go on a job interview. I would not have to feel like I am a trader. Most important I would not have to feel like I am doing something wrong.
It's a struggle with the transition. More so than just coming out as gay or lesbian.
I have some struggle every day about who I am. Will this get easier? Would it be better if I moved? I can't predict the future just have to learn to live in the today. For today I am grateful to have a family to go to. That later this evening I will be spending time with a good friend and her family. All is good. I am not going to let pronouns and a name to change my course today.

The Gathering

Little things make such a difference to me at this time in my life. I will be gathering with the family on Thursday and it will be the first time I am sporting a mustache. I feel a little awkward about it. Even considered shaving it off. But I finally realized that if I am going to truly be a trans man I need to not be afraid. Being afraid of what people would think of me has been the driving force of my life. I have to let go of that fear and just keep moving in the direction I want my life to be in. I have to become the man I want to be without any reservations.
For years I lived my life in the shadows. Afraid to express who I am and who I wanted to love for fear of what people would think. Today I am proud of who I am. I am a decent, loving black man of trans experience. I am someone who loves their life, loves deeply friends I have in my life and I am proud to be a black man.
Today I will express who I am in whatever way I want to. I will be loving, kind and grateful for the life God has given me. Knowing that God is by my side.
I am proud and I am a black transman.

Feeling Grateful

You know at the moment I am unemployed. Money is really tight. But I still have a lot to be grateful for. Grateful that I don't find it necessary to take a drink or a drug today after 7 1/2 years. That its not my automatic go to like it use to be. That drama and ego inflation is not a part of my life today. Today I try to remain humble and know that its not about me.
Tonight I am going to pray for this job and know that it's okay to ask God to send it to me. Tonight before I go to bed I would have did the best I could at living as a decent human being just for today. Tonight I okay.

Changes

As I see more and more changes with my body. The more I feel like hiding. I have been growing a mustache and I feel so open and raw about it. There are times I want to just shave it off so that people don't think I am so sort of freak who does not know about my transition Why should I care? I am living my life being who I am comfortable being. These are the things that I carry around with me. I need to talk to someone about them. Express my fears and my feelings. I wish I lived in a town where no one knows me. Where I am just another person. Is this normal? Why should I care what people think? I am who I am.
Tonight I was in the grocery store. Saw someone I knew from many years ago. I went down the next aisle to keep from speaking to her. I felt so raw, so ashamed of who I am. Am I being a fake? Is this normal for where I am in my transition?
I am comfortable being a man, but uncomfortable being a man in front of people who know me. I worry they are going to think I am some sort of freak, sick. Just the way I was treated when I was a little girl trying to fit in. Being laughed at and bullied by friends. I was always treated like a freak. I was even called one. So when I see someone that has some sort of idea of what I am doing, I feel that rawness. The same rawness I felt as a child at the big tree near the merry go round.
Am I that child again?

Been Awhile

So its been awhile since I posted on the page. Life has had its series of ups and down. Another job lost. Which means another having to explain myself when they do background checks. I want to just settle down with a stable job and have a good life of work and pleasure. Is that too much to ask for? I have been dealing with writers block and have not been able to write a lot. No writing in my journal,, no writing on my novel. I really wish I could get past this block and get back to writing. I remember when I was drinking and doing drugs it was then I could put my thoughts and feelings down on paper. Now that I am sober I have such a difficult time putting thoughts, feelings down on paper. I need to get past this procrastination and get busy.
I have so much to write about, so much in my head and in my heart but I can't seem to put it down on paper.
I need to do small writing exercises like this one. Try to put thoughts and feelings down every day.

Here I am

So here I am with no job, money running low and I have writers block. Can't seem to get motivated enough to continue writing. I have about another 100 pages to go and I think I would be finished. Why is it that I cant buckle down and write. There is so much in my head that needs to go on paper. So much of my past that I need to write about. I have to pray that I am going to start moving in the direction of writing and soon. I have so many excuses. So much idle time on my hands. I think I am a lot more depress about this job situation than I am letting on.
I am so grateful for the meds I am on that will not allow me to get any further depress than I already am.
It helps that I have someone to talk to. My good friend. She supports me in every endeavor I am doing.
Pretty much my day is filled with minor things to do around the house. I basically sit and stare at the computer screen for hours. What am I to do?

Two Steps Forward Three Backwards

So I have been laid off again. This time I did not see it coming. I was performing well. Meeting targets. So what was the problem this time? Couldn't really explain except they are doing a reduction and I am one of the people they were sending out the door.
So here I go again. Having to find a job. Fear I am not going to meet my bills, fear I will lose stuff. Just normal fear and panic. But I just keep praying. When fear creeps up I just stop and pray. I don't know anything else to do. I am taking action. Resume is up to date and I am sending them out there.
I have faith that God is not going to let me down. I have to do the next right thing. I have to just keep taking action. Faith without works is dead. I am much stronger than my last lay off. I am more centered and grounded. I am going to take the off time to also write more and just take care of me. I am not afraid for the moment.

2 Years

Last Friday was two years of being on T for me. In March it will be 3 years of coming out as trans. I have had it fairly easy compared to what some people have to deal with. I still have my family who ignores. Ignoring is easier than accepting. But that's okay I am who I am. I pretty much came out trans over the weekend by being interview by the local paper. That too was God doing for me what I could not do for myself. It was decent and in order. That is how God wants me to live my life. Live it as a good and decent man.

When I got to work on Monday I had some people who looked funny at me. Was it my imagination or was it true. I then got a call that my pay was being cut and I was the only one being effected by this. Last month I was the best thing going bringing in money for the company. This week they are struggling and not meeting the goals. Which is it with me. But you know I took it all in stride. Was again the decent and in order man that I am trying to be. I accepted but I don't have to work there for the rest of my life. So I have started actively looking for a new job.
I will do what God directs me to do. Stay in prayer over this and just do the next right thing.
2 years and its bringing a lot of different changes. Who would have believe two years ago I would be giving myself injections. Who would have believe that 2 years ago I would be speaking out about our local pride. 2 years ago who would have believe that I would be so content with life?

Just Stuff

Got a lot of stuff going on in my head. I am feeling pretty good about myself this week. Feeling confident. But man that feeling of I want to hide when I see people from my past can come on so quickly.
I see people from my past at work and I find myself hiding. Like today I saw a few old friends from the past and I would not go up and speak to them. First I have not shaved in a few days so I got the beard thing going on. Second I just don't want for them to out me at work. I know I need to step up and not worry about that but its something that I fight with daily. What if I get caught at work and people find out that I was a girl once named Charlotte.
I see now it might be some help to go find another therapist to throw this stuff off at. A different perspective. But then there is the problem of finding someone who deals with trans issues. I don't know its a lot I thought I dealt with a lot with the name change and telling some people. It's down to the nitty gritty now and its a little scary.

Fear

Something as simple as wanting to let my beard and mustache grow gives me a little fear in the pit of my stomach. What will people think who know me as a woman. How do I explain if one of them asks? Will my family think I have gone crazy? Will it confuse my 96 year old Mother who already in her bouts of confusion not know who I am. What do I do?
This is when I wish two things. I was already born a man and that I did not live in this area. It would be so simple to be in a city away from people I grew up with and be who I truly am.
Am I being a sell out trying to be something I am not? What about the honesty I want to be who I am suppose to be?
I need to get feedback from others I am sure I am not the only one going through this. I am not alone in this nor am I unique.

Stages Of Life

These last few weeks in watching my Mother as she continues to get older, I think about the stages of life. I think about how she did the best she could in raising three children with limited income and education. I watch as this woman who was very smart and well education despite her limitations worked hard to provide for her family. I watched as now she just does not have the kick like she use to in order to get better. Is this her final stage in life? At 96 one would say yes. I was reminded by a good friend last night that death and our living is between us and God. She is so right. The final say so in when and how and where we go is between the person and their higher power.
I cannot will that my Mother will get better. I cannot will that she will get out of bed and go back to the way she was a month ago. That is between her and God. There is nothing I can say or do. I can be there for her and I can listen when she needs someone to listen and I can be the daughter/son she can turn to in order to help her.
I had to learn that I need to stop being willful in this and not want her to get better for my own selfish needs but that if she gets better she gets better.
I look at my own stages in life. Being the little girl I never wanted to be. Going through the stage of drinking and drugging, going through the stage of being a lesbian. Then being a butch lesbian and now being what I always should have been, a transman. I am today comfortable in this stage of life. There is more I want but in due time that will happen. I am free to be who I want to be and that is what I strive for all my life. Today I can take a deep breath and just as I can't be willful of my Mothers health I cannot be willful of my own stages in life. Today we both are where our Higher Power wants us to be.

Checking In

It's been awhile since I have written anything. It's like I have been in some sort of slump about putting words out on paper. I have so much to say but don't know what or how to formulate it. Does that make any sense? My Mother has been placed in a nursing facility for rehab and it has sort of rocked my world a little bit. Just knowing that she is there and seeing how helpless she is makes me realize that life is never always the same. That it is constantly changes.
I think the hardest part is there I am looking totally like a man and she is introducing me to the staff as her youngest daughter. What do I do? Do I correct her? Leave it alone? I choose to just leave it alone. She will never accept what and who I am now. Her mind would not comprehend it nor would she want to accept it. She never truly accepted that I was a lesbian, she would never accept this.
She is one of those church going people who believes that gays will all burn in hell. She would never present that to the outside world but behind close doors and to me she would express her feelings very openly.

I feel at peace with my Mother in that the steps of AA taught me about forgiveness and I have forgave and have made my amends to what I have done to her. I am free with that. I just now don't talk a lot of substance stuff with her. We just do the same thing in the nursing home as we did at home. We just talk about surface things and leave the heavy duty stuff alone.

So tonight I just check in with my writing and I just vow to write more.

7 Years

Today is 7 years clean and sober. I can't believe that for 7 years now I have not had a drink or drug. Each year gets just a little bit better in the process of dealing with emotional living. I am a sober man today. Today I don't have everything I want but I have everything I need. I am so grateful.
I would have never been able to embrace the life I have embraced if it was not for being a member of AA. AA saved my life. AA created the person I am today. Who is that person? I am just a little more honest, a little more self assured as to who I am. If I just stay on that path things are bearable. Today I am so grateful for being the man I am. Sober, happy and free.

Feeling Good

I realized yesterday that even though I don't make the money I want to make, that I am not in the space I want to be in. I am feeling good about where my life is right now and how I handle things.
9th step promises says I will not regret the pass nor wish to shut the door on it. I will be able to to handle things that use to baffle me. Is that so true. It does not promise that I am going to free of everything, just that I will be able to handle them with a new pair of glasses on. I sure do look at things differently now.
I am feeling more confident in who I am and even though I still have my bouts of anxiety they are less and and less intense.
What do I owe this all to? I owe it to being able to truly be who I am and being able to finally be free. I remember I would have moments about my dress before my transition. I was always afraid that people were going to make fun of me wearing men clothing. Actually men clothing was the only thing I felt comfortable in. It's a crazy thought but I was always thinking that people were saying things about my dress. Today I don't care what people think to a certain degree. It's not my business what people think of me. I know easier said than done, but its a motto I try to carry with me along my path.

Please Help!

http://www.gofundme.com/2tfnak

Family Gathering

Had my first family gathering at a funeral yesterday. I was a little nervous as I drove out to the church. How will I approach people? Will they see me as different. Some people who know I felt looked at me a little different. Could that have been my perception?
As I was getting dressed I just realized that no longer did I have to feel guilty for putting on men clothing. I could wear what I wanted without fear of people thinking differently. Then I realized that I didnt have to worry again what people thought of me. I felt a sense of comfort. The first time in my life I could be who I truly wanted to be.
I survived the event yesterday and never once worried about what people think. They still called me by my female name at times that was okay too. These are not people I deal with every day.

Next Step

I am preparing for my next step in my transition. I need to buy a STP. I find that I am having a lot of anxiety going to the men's bathroom. I have to use the stall because I don't have a STP. I am afraid someone will come in and hear or see me sitting down to pee. I know they say that most men go into the bathroom do what they need and out of there. But what if I get caught? Why do I feel its about a getting caught thing? I have found myself holding it until I get home and I should not have to do that. With a STP I could still use the stall but also could stand to pee. So the next step if picking and buying a STP. Teaching myself how to use it and throwing that anxiety out the window.

Anniversary Month

Pretty soon I will celebrate 7 years of being clean and sober. As I look back over my past year I am amazed at the things God has granted me. My transition is going okay. I finally have a job that I am doing good in and not micromanaged. My sober life is good. I really don't have anything to complain about. On May 22 I will have 7 years clean and sober and the 5 days later will be my birthday. I am so grateful I came into the rooms of AA before my birthday. I would have had the possibility of not making it at the rate I was going. I was mixing pills and drinking more than I had ever before. I was feeling lost and all alone. Thank God he lead me to where he did. I am so grateful for my life right now. I still don't have a lot of money, I hold my breath that nothing major happens but financially but all in all I am please. This month I am so grateful for where I am compared to 7 years ago.

Sometimes....

Sometimes I forget about my gender change and I wonder why someone is calling me a guy. A wave of embarrassment hits me and I am like I am going to be discovered. When I am around men I wonder if I am man enough.
I was at work and was about to get up from my cubicle and grab a cup of coffee. I saw someone who knows me and I went back into my cubicle. I know this woman was going to call me my other name and refer to me as female. I waited until she was gone. It's a fear that I can't describe when I think I am going to be outed at work.
Some times I wish I had moved first before making my transition. Sometimes I get angry because I just wish I was a man and none of this would have to a worry. No binders, no trying to save money for surgery. Life would be so much better at times.

Life Of A Black Man

Lately I have notice how women respond to me as a black man now. White women seem to be scared or they just ignore me. Black women very seldom even look my way. They too ignore my presence. Is this something that women do? I smile and try to be pleasant but a lot of times I don't even get a response back from them. I have to wonder. I remember when I was much bigger than I am now. People would stare and ignore because it was like they were going to catch my fat on them. Some laughed, some even shook their head. Men would not even look my way. Today a little less weight on me I would have to say its not about the weight. It's about the look. I am a black man and I am a threat. I have to remind myself of that when I am ignored in the rooms of AA by people who don't know me.
I am not a part of just an extension. That's how I feel. But for me we are all there for one common goal. To stay sober. I think sometimes their love and tolerance rule applies to only a few.

I heard the other night a comment about a transwomen in the rooms. They called her a he/she and then she was called an it. There was laughter. I asked what are you calling me? What are they saying I am? I had to let that go because its none of my business what they think of me.

First Time

It's the little things that are happening in my life that make the biggest impact for me lately. Last week I got into my first tux and and went to a black tie affair. I had wondered what it would feel like to be in a suit. Would it feel different? It felt just like I had put on a new layer of skin. It was such a great fit.
I had a little anxiety when they were measuring me for my tux. Touching me around my chest. What would happen if they discovered what I am. Then I realized that I am me. I don't have to explain anything. I am Charley and I am a proud trans man. Nothing more, nothing less.
It's amazing where my anxiety about being trans can come up in a moments notice.

Feeling Alone In AA

Lately I have felt more alone in AA than ever before. I feel like being a black man is keeping me away from people. My transition has isolated me a little from people. Once I was always included in social events. I am now never asked. I go to a meeting get my recovery and go home. I don't have much conversation with people any more and feel like I am just not a part of the group any longer.
I know this could all be in my head. But I see how each group of people have their own little click and I am just not a part of. People I use to be around have disappeared and are a part of a new group.
I don't fit in with being with woman and I don't fit in being with men. I don't raise my hand to sponsor because who am I suppose to sponsor? So I just walk my recovery with me.

Support

Almost two years ago I was given some information about transmen from Constance. She had found the info at a conference and mailed it to me to read. In the information was information about Black Transmen Inc. It opened the door for my new life. I found this group on Facebook and joined. It has been one of the greatest things that ever happened. It's my AA for my transition. There is never a topic that I am going through that someone else has not already been through. Just put it out there and someone speaks up and says oh yeah I am going through this or I have gone through this.
I am so grateful to have this group.

Birth Certificate

My next step for my transition is changing my birth certificate. Some reason it has been the hardest of the steps I have had to take. Not sure why I have a little anxiety about this. Why am I so uncertain about this. Everything else I have jumped right in and got it done. Name change, starting T, marker change. But this is making me hold off.
I have to really look at this and see what is going on. Why am I holding back so? I need to take this to the group and ask the question why? Maybe others are feeling the same way.
I printed out the form but that is as far as I have gotten. I need to take the next step. I need to remove the anxiety and push forward. Do this the same way that I did everything else.
I have to make a step toward freedom.

My First Tux

I am going to a formal event in April and I got fitted today for my first tux ever. So many firsts is happening in my life since my transition. Going to the the event will be my first formal affair I have ever attended. It is also the first time I have been fitted for a suit. I had a little anxiety when the woman was measuring me. What if she discovers I am different. What will she say. What does she think? It was very painless and I must say I felt really at ease.
So I now know my suit size and will be going out buying my own suit to own in the future. This world has opened up so much of a world I never knew. In high school I couldn't go to the prom in a tux. It was the 70's I would have been laughed out of there. I stayed at home. Everyone else went to the prom but I didn't. I don't remember if it bothered me or not. I just remember not being a part of the conversation of all the happenings the following Monday. I didn't even know where the after parties were. So I just stayed home that night. I do remember my Mother asking me if I was upset. I would have never voiced it if I was.
I was different and that was all that it was. No one asked me to go and so I was not going. I was not going to wear a dress and I could't wear what I wanted to.
Life being a lesbian was pretty tough back then. I just didn't fit in anywhere at that moment.
I don't even know if anyone missed me. No one asked.

Fear of being outed

I had this fear of being outed at work. I kept that fear with me for a couple of days and then I just let it go. Figured if it happened it was going to happen. So I continued to do my little avoiding with the guy that I knew from my neighborhood.

On Thursday I was faced to see him on the sales floor. He said hello and called me sweetie. There were a few men around but I don't think any of the picked up on the sweetie comment. I quickly told him where my cubicle was and please stop by and see me. 

He stopped by the next day. As always fear is not as big as I think it would be. I told him about my transition. He smiled shook my hand and said you know I am cool with whatever you do.

March marks the 2 anniversary of me coming out to my therapist as to be wanting to become a man. I am amazed at how I am still changing in looks, attitude and action. 

Being Outed

So I started this new job. It pays very little money and pretty entry level for me. But its a job and I just suck up my pride and do the task that is put before me. I realized about a day into the job that someone that I have known for a long time works there. He does not know about my transition and I need to talk to him in private about it before he outs me as to who I am to co workers.
I had not had a chance to see him and he didn't even know I was working with the company. I saw his name on the directory and have heard him talk while I was sort of hidden in a cubicle. Yesterday he saw me and in front of a bunch of guys he said hey sweetie what are you doing here? I am not sure if anyone picked up on it and I quickly told him to stop by my cubicle and see me. He did not yesterday but I am praying that we can meet up soon.
I have come up with things in my mind as to what I need to do. If he does not stop by today, I will seek out his cell number and give him a call and talk to him then. If he leaks it out that I was once female, than so be it. I just live with it.
I had a day or so of fear when I first found out he was there, but I am living my life as I need and want to live it. It has no room for fear.

Job

So I started this new job today. No one knows about my past and I am referred to as a guy by everyone. Its the perfect world of where I want to be. It was so comfortable today until it was time to go to the bathroom.
I just chose not to go until I got home. Couple of things I can see that I will need to do is get a STP. I have been putting it off for some time. But its something I am going to have to get. I didn't sweat it. I am okay. I guess lately I have been sort of use to not using public restrooms.
It still frustrates me that I have to go through this. If only I was born male.But I deal with the hand that is given to me and I am really proud of the man I am becoming.

Speaking of this job. I am thinking that it is easier for a man to get a job than a woman. In the past when I lost jobs it took a long time to get one and it almost no one would call me back for an interview. This time I get tons of calls for interviews and I got a job less than a month unemployed. Maybe its the economy turning around. I want to think because I am male.
Either way I am grateful to be back working. This morning and last night I was feeling a little down about the job and how its yet another entry level position but I don't have to stay there for the rest of my career. I still know what I want to be doing and that is finishing up my novel and getting it out for people to read.
I have something to say and I feel that it will help others who are walking this path.

I have to discipline myself to write every day. So my plan is to get up early in the mornings and write before going to work. Wish me luck on that!!

Not A Part Of

I have been in AA now almost 7 years. I use to be connected to people, go out and do things. Then I went into hiding after the breakup and concentrated on therapy. I went to very few meetings but was getting better emotionally because of the hard work in therapy.
After taking a break from therapy I knew I needed to crank my meeting schedule back up. Which I have. What I have found out is that since my transition I don't fit into any group socially anymore. Okay is that my feeling about that? Let's take a look. I don't feel comfortable hanging around the women anymore and I don't feel comfortable hanging with the guys. I just sort of go to the meeting get my hours worth of recovery and move on. The fellowship is not there for me. Is that a problem? It's something that I need to ask myself.

Yesterday was Superbowl. I was hoping that I would get invited to go somewhere but I did not. What really hurt was I found out one of my friends was having a Super Bowl party and I was not invited. Now I have no control over who he invites to his own home but I did have him over twice to mine when I had Superbowl parties. I thought we were good enough friends that it would have happened. Did he just have guys and felt I was not one of the guys?
I was hurt when I found out he was having this party. It was just another stake in my heart that I feel like I am not a part of any group socially right now. I wish there were more trans guys locally here. But it is what it is right now with where I am.
What do I do to become accepted with men? It's tough because living here most of my life men already know that I was once female. It's really funny the men accepted me more when I was a butch lesbian than they do know that I am a transman.
Once again is this my perspective?

It has gotten so bad that I don't even share in meetings a lot anymore because I am afraid someone is goong to use the wrong pronoun with me and that people who didn't know me before are going to be confused. Not even sure that makes sense to anyone but me. But today is a day of getting this shit out.
So here I am afraid to raise my hand to say I will sponsor because who do I sponsor? Men? Women?
What group am  I really a part of?

The Struggle Without Fear

The 9th step promises tell me that one day I will live with little or no fear. I have struggled these past few weeks with fear of economic insecurity. But somewhere along the line with a lot of prayer to a power greater than myself I have lessen that fear. It does not consume me like it almost did a few weeks ago.
I am still without a job, still have little money but I am content. How did that happen? I feel like I am just walking along this path the scenery has not changed but my attitude has.
I am more fit spiritually, I feel it. I have more confidence that every thing is going to be okay.
Today I am going to try and get back to writing my novel. It is something that has been blocking me for some time. The only way to overcome is to start writing again. I have so much to say, so much to get down but a lot of times my fingers just can't hit the keyboard. I am ready to do every thing else but settle down and do the task.
I wonder sometimes if there might be a little depression going on. I don't know. I know its not a deep depression if it is. Then I think who wouldn't be a little depressed? I have no job, no money coming in at the moment, some bills are due and I am just sometimes on the sofa staring out into space.
I have to remind myself that I have to struggle without the fear. But what about the struggle without the struggle? Does that make sense? I have to stop the do nothing attitude and do something productive every day. Its my promise today to myself. Do something. I can start by writing a blog every day. How about that?

Another Day

Just got back from a meeting. Sometimes I just feel God in those rooms more so than other times. Today I felt very serene and was able to truly relax in the meeting. Listening to people talk about unity. Before I got sober I did not know what is was truly like to be a part of something. I look back over my life and the one thing that I have done perfectly is stay sober. It amazes me that I have a hard time holding on any job lately for any long length of time, but I have held on to my sober life for almost 7 years now. What a miracle! I don't think about drinking or drugging. When life is kicking me in the ass I don't think about that default button of destroying myself.

Yesterday I had to go take a drug test for a potential job. What a relief that I did not have to worry about the results. I could walk into Labcorp with confidence knowing I had nothing to hide. It amazes me how much my life has changed. I recall a time I was due for a really great job about 8 years ago. They called and told me I had the job but I needed to take a drug test. Was told where to go and I never went to take the test. I knew I would fail it. Today I don't have that monkey on my back.

So today is just another day to be kind to people, to love myself just a little bit more and take care of myself. During my quiet times get in touch with my Higher Power and just be okay. Life is handing me some challenges but I am handling life by staying sober.

Just For Today

If AA has taught me anything it is just living in the moment. Something I have been able to do for the last two days. Man I have to admit for a few days I was really in my head. Fearing the worse about not having a main job. But I just continued to pray to a power greater than me that I chose to call God and well I just don't have that level of anxiety that I had. I handle things these last few days that I would have been over the top over because of everything else that was happening.
I would have been out there blasting people for no reason. You know the damn cool thing is when I can see the change in me. I am becoming a really decent guy!
Did making the transition do this for me? I will have to say feeling comfortable in my own skin makes a big difference.
So just for today I a okay.

2 Years

Two years are approaching that I made the decision about becoming a man. I can't believe that almost two years ago I realized what had been missing in my life. That I was not truly happy because of the things lacking in my life. What was lacking? I made that decision to transition. I remember coming out to my therapist about this first. That I just needed to say it out loud. It was such a freeing feeling. I felt the same way the day I walked into the rooms of AA and declared that I was an addict and I was powerless over my life. Today I am a free man. I am who I know I should have always been.

2 years of not being ashamed of who I am. Two years of being comfortable in my own skin. 

Although there are other aspects of my life that are not in order, one thing is for sure. I know who I am and what I want to continue to become. That is a good and decent African American man. 

The Struggle

So I have fucking lost yet another job. I just can't seem to find the right job that is stable and I can settle in and be okay with.
It's going to be rough meeting the bills but I just keep turning it over to God. My fears that it. I go through the moment of fear and I just stop say a little prayer and move on until the next wave of fear happens. This is all so different for me. Usually I am so wigged out I can't function. All up in my head and really freaking out. What is different this time? Could it be I am just learning how to take these tools of living and have been able to apply them to my every day living? Am I just so not emotionally attached since I have been on T that this is a different ride this time?
I know it sometimes feels like a struggle but what the hell can I do really? All I can do is apply for jobs, allow myself to feel the fear, move through it and keep on going. What is the worst thing that could happen? I become homeless? At least I would still have my life. I would still be sober and I would still try and be a decent person.
What this time of not having a job is teaching me is that I need to be humble, let go of the pride and ask for help.
I don't have to be in the struggle unless I want to. I can feel the pain and the fear and move on.
I want to go to that dark place where I want to look at the past and blame all my bad behavior back then on what life is like now. Leave that alone. Move on and get ready for the next ride.

What About God?

Lately I have been wondering if my life is always on alert because of God's approval of what I am doing. I know that it is said God makes no mistakes and I am altering God's creation. I don't know it is something I have been struggling with. Why is it that at 52 I just don't have it all taken care of? I should be looking at retiring instead of looking for yet another career. I know I just am feeling a little sorry for myself this evening. This current job will more than likely end Friday and here I am again trying to figure out what to do with my life.
It's Humpty Dumpty. All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put him back together again. I feel like sometimes I am just coming apart. Always strapped for the cash, struggling to be the man that I want to be. It's just a fucking struggle. When will the struggle end? I wait upon God's answer but it seems like it never comes. When I lost the other job I knew I had to take something before the unemployment runs out. It was a desperate move. Always in the desperate mode. When can I just set back and just be patience with looking for the right job that will finish out my career? I want to just enjoy life.
When will I be able to just enjoy what life is giving me?
Not a good evening. God please hear me. I know you are out there. I know that you will not let me fall, but God if you could just allow me take a deep breath and be okay.

Faith

Something that I am learning through this whole ordeal about this job is my faith in God or a power greater than myself.
I also have been a little hard on myself about my past again. Looking at the things I should have done back during my younger years. Finished school. Acquired some office skills or some sort of skills. I could go on and on about what I should have done but I know now that looking back will make no difference.
I was told once that the rear view mirror is the size that it is and the front window is the size that it is for a reason. We look at the smaller view from the rear view mirror and the whole picture from the front.
I need to be looking ahead and seeing what is in store for me in front of me.
Looking back just causes a whole lot of discomfort and discomfort is not where I want to be. Where I am today is trying to have a better walk with God.
I have been fasting from meat and sugar these last two days. The meat I have done okay with, I have slipped with the sugar with the hard candy I have in my candy dish. I need to pray that I can let that go. My prayers should not be for a job but for my relationship with God to get stronger and I have more faith in God.
When I pray I have a comfort level that I can't describe. It is like something washes over me and says its going to be okay. I don't think it will be easy but it will be okay.

Life On Life Terms

Okay so I have mentally been beating myself up a little the last few days. My job is in jeopardy and I feel like I just continue to go back to square one all the time. So is this a little pity party going on with me? My high school and college years I just did a lot of drinking and drugging. Never thought that it was important to gain a skill. I just thought it was all about getting drunk and where the next drug was going to be. Now at 52 I am paying for it. I have no real skills and no college degree. It gets hard trying to find and hold onto a good job. I lost 3 jobs in the last 3 years. Two were of no fault of my own and the other was the owner probably felt I needed to bring in more money. He didn't say that just that the company was moving in another direction. I just was not going down the path with them. This one I have now is a failure waiting to happen. Its a product that no body wants to buy. As I write this I see that a lot of this is no fault of my own. What is my responsibility behind this is my lack of skills to obtain a different job. I am the last of a dying breed of salesmen. The kind that builds relationships and then they buy. In today's world its about grabbing the money and go. I was not trained as a salesman that way. So here I go on belly aching about what I am not. The truth of the matter is that my past is kicking my ass right now. The one thing that I feel like I want to accomplish is finishing my novel. I can't even get focus enough to do that. I just want to sleep on the sofa all weekend and any chance I get after working. Am I depress? As I write this out I don't feel depressed. I just feel like I need a kick in the ass to send me on my direction as to where my life needs to be.
If I am lacking skills is there a way I can get them now? I am hoping that it will be. I pray that if this job folds and I can get some unemployment that I can get some skills while unemployed that I can become a skilled worker in another field.
So as I write I feel better. I feel like okay look at my life and change it These jobs that are fly by night needs to stop. I keep taking these out of desperation but its insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I was a little knocked down after not getting the State Farm job. It was something that would have been different. Out of sales and more customer service oriented. But God didn't see fit for me to have that. There is something else out there for me. Something big. I believe that and I just have to keep focusing on that and waiting and preparing. Is it my novel? I have to get quiet and see where God leads me to go.
Okay so this all might sound confusing and going from one extreme to another. But its just where I am for today. A little scattered, a little fearful, and a little on the pitty pot.
I heard once it was okay to be on the pitty pot every now and then, just remember to flush.

New Years

So its 2013. Another year. This has certainly been a year of change and my spiritual growth. I have learned to become teachable. I have embraced my emotional health and come out on the other side.
Today I can say that as I step into this new year I have much better off than I was last year. I don't have the financial freedom that I want, but I have such growth in my emotional and mental state. I owe a lot of it to working with Jen and I owe a lot of it as day after day I stay sober. In AA they say after 5 years of being sober one gets their marbles back. After 5 one learns how to play with them. I can say that for myself. I am learning to play well with others. That was one thing that Jen and I talked about a lot was learning how to play well with others. Even wanting to play with others period. That was something I never wanted or knew how to do.
Last night I went out to dinner and a movie and then dessert after the movie with a friend. It was such a relaxing evening. A evening that was filled with laughter and healthy living. I am all about living a healthy emotional life these days

I remember what New Years would be like before I got sober. Sick and hungover. Not sure what I did or what I had said the night before. Sad because I would be coming up on a year that had no hope or promise. I would just feel like it was just another year for the bad things to happen. I am so grateful I don't live that way anymore. I am grateful that today I have choices and chances. I have the choice to server a power greater than myself. I have a choice to love me just a little more and stay teachable. I have the choice to drink or not to drink. I have the choice to have a choice. As long as I continue to keep these choices I have a chance at a good day. Living it one day at a time.