I have been in AA now almost 7 years. I use to be connected to people, go out and do things. Then I went into hiding after the breakup and concentrated on therapy. I went to very few meetings but was getting better emotionally because of the hard work in therapy.
After taking a break from therapy I knew I needed to crank my meeting schedule back up. Which I have. What I have found out is that since my transition I don't fit into any group socially anymore. Okay is that my feeling about that? Let's take a look. I don't feel comfortable hanging around the women anymore and I don't feel comfortable hanging with the guys. I just sort of go to the meeting get my hours worth of recovery and move on. The fellowship is not there for me. Is that a problem? It's something that I need to ask myself.
Yesterday was Superbowl. I was hoping that I would get invited to go somewhere but I did not. What really hurt was I found out one of my friends was having a Super Bowl party and I was not invited. Now I have no control over who he invites to his own home but I did have him over twice to mine when I had Superbowl parties. I thought we were good enough friends that it would have happened. Did he just have guys and felt I was not one of the guys?
I was hurt when I found out he was having this party. It was just another stake in my heart that I feel like I am not a part of any group socially right now. I wish there were more trans guys locally here. But it is what it is right now with where I am.
What do I do to become accepted with men? It's tough because living here most of my life men already know that I was once female. It's really funny the men accepted me more when I was a butch lesbian than they do know that I am a transman.
Once again is this my perspective?
It has gotten so bad that I don't even share in meetings a lot anymore because I am afraid someone is goong to use the wrong pronoun with me and that people who didn't know me before are going to be confused. Not even sure that makes sense to anyone but me. But today is a day of getting this shit out.
So here I am afraid to raise my hand to say I will sponsor because who do I sponsor? Men? Women?
What group am I really a part of?
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