Okay so I have mentally been beating myself up a little the last few days. My job is in jeopardy and I feel like I just continue to go back to square one all the time. So is this a little pity party going on with me? My high school and college years I just did a lot of drinking and drugging. Never thought that it was important to gain a skill. I just thought it was all about getting drunk and where the next drug was going to be. Now at 52 I am paying for it. I have no real skills and no college degree. It gets hard trying to find and hold onto a good job. I lost 3 jobs in the last 3 years. Two were of no fault of my own and the other was the owner probably felt I needed to bring in more money. He didn't say that just that the company was moving in another direction. I just was not going down the path with them. This one I have now is a failure waiting to happen. Its a product that no body wants to buy. As I write this I see that a lot of this is no fault of my own. What is my responsibility behind this is my lack of skills to obtain a different job. I am the last of a dying breed of salesmen. The kind that builds relationships and then they buy. In today's world its about grabbing the money and go. I was not trained as a salesman that way. So here I go on belly aching about what I am not. The truth of the matter is that my past is kicking my ass right now. The one thing that I feel like I want to accomplish is finishing my novel. I can't even get focus enough to do that. I just want to sleep on the sofa all weekend and any chance I get after working. Am I depress? As I write this out I don't feel depressed. I just feel like I need a kick in the ass to send me on my direction as to where my life needs to be.
If I am lacking skills is there a way I can get them now? I am hoping that it will be. I pray that if this job folds and I can get some unemployment that I can get some skills while unemployed that I can become a skilled worker in another field.
So as I write I feel better. I feel like okay look at my life and change it These jobs that are fly by night needs to stop. I keep taking these out of desperation but its insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I was a little knocked down after not getting the State Farm job. It was something that would have been different. Out of sales and more customer service oriented. But God didn't see fit for me to have that. There is something else out there for me. Something big. I believe that and I just have to keep focusing on that and waiting and preparing. Is it my novel? I have to get quiet and see where God leads me to go.
Okay so this all might sound confusing and going from one extreme to another. But its just where I am for today. A little scattered, a little fearful, and a little on the pitty pot.
I heard once it was okay to be on the pitty pot every now and then, just remember to flush.
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