Changes

I really thought I would have seen a few changes since starting the "T". I can't see anything but have been told about how my facial features are changing. Guess it was sort of like when I stopped drinking and drugging. People were saying they were seeing a difference in me but I could not see it. I am slowly feeling more comfortable in my body. So much to think about with my life. I am only at the beginning of this with changes. But I fear what people are going to think. I have to admit my fear. If I keep it inside it just festers and grows. In the past I would keep all this stuff in and it would then just explode. I am beyond the exploding stage. I am all about what is the next healthy step.
I am so glad I connected with the VA Chapter of the Black Transmen. This is going to be a great support to me. I will be able to have people like me and I will be able to finally see someone like me. Think like me.

So today I watched two coworkers be given their pink slip. I felt a lot of fear at the moment. Knowing that I have seen this before. Letting someone go and then in a few months everyone is gone. I can't just watch now and do nothing. I have to take action. I could step outside of myself so quickly and see that wave of fear come over me. First thoughts were who would hire me now? What am I going to do now. I stopped myself and went right to helping those two guys by talking to them and being there for them. I did what the program of AA has taught me. To get out of myself help the next sick and suffering person. I worry about one of the guys because he is a member of AA. He could very easily go out and take a drink. I just have to pray that he does the next right thing.

As for me them leaving will be yet another change at the job. But it also for today is not me. Just keep doing what I am doing and I will be okay.