So I am at an AA meeting today and really started to feel so isolated from everyone in the room. It was not a feeling of being scared or really no emotion at all. Just realized that there was no one in the room like me. I mean there was one other black guy there but a trans guy. Maybe I need to stop thinking of myself as a trans guy and just look at myself as a man. But I have a hard time doing that sometimes. I know I am different and that there are not any black transmen in Charlottesville other than me.
It was the same when I was getting sober. I was the only black butch lesbian or just a lesbian. I was accepted by everyone but it is and was the truth is I was different. I try to keep my ego about that in check most of the times but really it can be lonely. I don't know how to feel hanging out with the women still or should I make relationships with the straight guys? Will they accept me knowing what I am. I have been very honest in AA as to my journey.
I have to really pray about this and talk this over with other older trans guys. Sometimes I really wish I lived somewhere else. A larger city where there are more people like me.
I realized that more today than ever. I find myself really wanting more contact with transmen.
For now I will just continue to be me.
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