In My Head

Been sort of in my head the last few days. I just can't seem to get the fucking break I need with this damn employment. Laid off again from yet another job. This time I really didn't see it coming. Last Wednesday morning I woke feeling a little scared, having that fear that this might be my last day with this company. I guess my gut feeling was right. Within two hours I was once again without a job. Living in slight financial fear again. Having to put on the song and dance routine for interviews. What is God trying to tell me? Am I suppose to do something else in my life? I need to get quiet and await for God's answer. I know he has one for me. I know I just need to wait this out and God will provide. I have this faith, I have the belief. But there is still that small amount of fear. Sometimes it's like I have these moments of oh shit! I have to catch my breath and remind myself that I have been here before and I will get through this. I have to get through this. Fear and bad moments don't last forever.
I have to be vigilant with what I need to do with my life moving forward. I just need to speak my fear about everything. Job, relationships, money life stuff.
The most important thing is to keep my sober life intact. By that I need to continue to work my steps, go to meetings and just live my life emotionally sober.
I have to keep the faith, have to know that God has my back.
I have been reading a lot about following my dream. My dream has been to be a published author. Could this be what I do with the free time that I am going to have. Continue to put my words down on paper? I know all this sounds so crazy. Here I am with no job and I want to be a starving artist! It makes me smile. But its my dream. I have a story to tell, I have words that need to speak out. Help someone and help myself. By putting the words down I have in my journey to my healing. I have come to a lot of healing moments but there are more. I love the thought that I will always continue to heal from one thing or the next. But I have so much time to catch up on my healing So much to speak about. So much to acknowledge that it was not my fault.
Do I love my life right now? I do. I just wish it was a little better. But it's okay it is what it is for the moment.