Changes

I realized how much life has changed for me since I have transition. I am no longer a part of the lesbian world. I am now a man and looked as a man. It just sort of hit me like a ton of bricks of living here in Charlottesville I have alienated myself again with a new label. There are very few FTM's here and I am feeling the loneliness today. I really need to decide if this is the place I am going to live out the rest of my years Maybe its time to move on to another place, Maybe God is telling me the changes that are happening need to happen in a new place. I sure am not getting anywhere in this time. Always one foot ahead and three steps backwards. Always struggling. When does this struggle stop for me? I am trying to keep the faith with these employment changes but I really need a break here I am feeling bits and pieces of fear but I keep trying to turn it over. Turning it over. Its what they tell me in AA. Turn it over. The weekend I had a little bit of fear when I would be alone. Fear that I am here in this time all alone. Here with no job, no social circle of the FTM's just alone. I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself but its true. I am like a fish out of water when it comes to my transition. More prayer and more faith That is where I need to be. Changes are going to happen. I have to accept that. Change will change my life. I just have to hang on.