Stuff

Today I started my new job. Working from home was very different. I have to pull out all the discipline I can  muster just not to slack off. But I have incentives to make money to get the things I need in order to continue my journey. I want to set a goal to have top surgery by this time next year. So I have to work hard and save the cash I will need to make it through this. I know if I put my trust in God and let him work it out it will happen.
I am so excited about this job. It will allow me to test my marketing skills and also my sales ability to step up and perform.
I just need to continue with the discipline and not become a slacker.

Name Change

So all the official paper work is in and I can now move forward to changing all documents to my new name. There is a little bit of sadness to losing the name Charlotte. It was Charlotte who endured evil at the hands of my uncle. It was Charlotte who watch her Father take his last breath. It was Charlotte who walked into the rooms of AA and got clean and sober. So many milestones that Charlotte took. What will the path for Charley be like? So many changes. New job, new name, new life. Some times I wonder if I am doing too much too soon. But you know I have to take action on being in love with my life and start to live again. I have never been so content with my life right now. I am living the peaceful, serene life I have always thought I could never have.
Today I am truly Charley. As the name says it means Free Man. Today I am a free man!

Changes Continue

Today I feel more in touch with who I am as a human being. New job in the works where I can take a deep breath and exhale a little financially. It's still not within reach but I can see some financial breathing happening in the near future. I will be okay. No matter what happens I will be alright. I just have learned to turn it over to my Higher Power I choose to call God and let the rest move at its own pace. I have no control.
I still feel like I am in the in between stage but that too is something I need to just accept and move through it.
Today I am just me. I am someone who is becoming who I have wanted to be since a child.
My thoughts still go back to that tree with my green army men. There are days I wish I could play with those green army men again. I guess why can't I? I mean there is nothing wrong with me going back and living bits of my childhood again by playing with some toys. Sounds crazy? I don't think so. I just want to be able to get in touch with that which has been lost. Lately I miss my memories of my childhood. I want to remember more. I want to feel more. I try and reach deep down and pull out those memories but it's just not there. Am I trying too hard? Maybe one day I will buy me some green army men and play with them. I want to connect with some of my past. I want to accept some of my past. I want to be able to feel safe looking at my childhood. Maybe working with Michael I can do that. Maybe slowly going to the tree and climbing it I will be able to see the view and feel safe about doing it.

Changing

Every day I look in the mirror and I wonder when I will see that changes of the man I want to become. I realize though that the change needs to start from within. I need to step my game up and be more accepting of who I am. Sometimes I operate off the fear. Fear that this is not going to be what I need to do, fear that I am going to be alone, just plain fear. But I stop and I think about what I have heard in the rooms. Stop telling God how big my fears are and start telling my fears how big my God is. Just that plain and simple and a lot of times it slows my fears.
So last night I looked in the mirror and saw that I was getting more hair on my chin and starting a mustache. I went straight to fear. Fear that people are going to see part woman, part man and put me in a freak category. That fear came back. I am so thankful I have develop a group of transmen friends from Richmond and other areas to talk to about this stuff. I have like minded people who are and have gone through this.
Sometimes I think I need to just move so that I am in an area with more people like me. But I feel like I have more to do here before my journey in this area is over. Or am I just staying in a place that I am fearful of stepping out and doing something different.
Even through all the fears I am more content with my life today than I was a year ago.

Thoughts And Such....

Any day now I should have my name changed. Then the work begins of contacting places and changing my name. But changing my name does not make me the man I want to be. It will take a lot more than that. I stumble today in a world of in between. I have learned to live that way a lot. When I was struggling with being a lesbian, a butch woman I always felt I lived my life in between. Sort of what it is like in living in two worlds. One world has me as a woman, the other world had me as a butch woman. I didn't fit in either world. This is what it is like right now. I am shifting through two different worlds. 

Some days I feel like I am just floating between the the two worlds. It's okay because I am feeling more comfortable just floating. I am confident as to who I will become. It's almost like I am taking deep breaths and able to exhale. 

For so long I help my breath. Hold my breath afraid of what people would think of  me. Afraid that people would think less of me or that I would not be accepted. 

Today after making the decision to transition into the life I was suppose to be. I no longer have that fear of what people will think. I feel so much more comfort in my skin. Life is good. 

Childhood

It was not until talking with Michael this evening that I thought about the green army men. I remember playing in the Mimosa tree in the front yard. It had a hole in it that I would hide my army men in every night. Neatly tuck them away because they were my boy toys. Two had parachutes that I would climb in the tree and let them spiral down. Even at 6 and 7 years old I was that little boy trapped inside that body of a girl. Even then I was living a dual life. I was the little boy romping through the yard by the week. Weekend at church time I had to become the little awkward little girl. I didn't know how to stand or sit correctly in dresses. I felt like such a fake. I think back now and how unfair I had to live this life in this body. How I just wanted to be free to be who I always thought I was suppose to be.
I think maybe that why drugs and alcohol became so important in my life. I could escape into a a world. Today I don't have to do that escape. I am becoming more comfortable with who I am as a transman. Someday I have to introduce the two the little six year old boy and the 51 year old man.

Midnight

So it's after 12 and the house is quiet. The world has taken a little break from all the hustle. I am in a quiet mood. Tonight I want to be around people more than ever. I realized that I really don't know who to turn to without feeling like I am exposing myself. I feel like that lone wolf. That massive animal that stands on the top of the mountain and looks down for its prey. As much as the lone wolf is a hunter its very much alone. Operating through life without the pack. I feel like that. I am separated from the pack. Do I do this just because I don't want to get hurt? Have I had enough of this that I just don't want to try anymore? I am not sure which answer is the one that is correct. Maybe there are more than just two answers. Maybe I am am right about people. Expose myself and get hurt. Every time. What is the reason for trying? I am not into this keep jumping on the horse and ride mentality. I am get bucked off the horse once. Don't get back on that horse. Look for another one. Is that so wrong?
I miss conversations, I miss the closeness, I miss just the regular conversations. Where do I find these?

Who Am I?

During my quiet times. I have this question come to my mind. Who am I? Where am I suppose to be. After a few minutes of pondering. I realize I am just where I need to be. I am becoming comfortable with becoming a man. Every thing else can come in its own time. I try to look more male. I feel fake. I try to man it down and I feel like a fake. But when I just say fuck it and let it be. I am more comfortable.
I am more honest with who I am with people. I am not shouting from the roof tops that I am becoming a transman but I let people know who need to know.

I went to a local church function tonight. For a few moments I did the there is no one here like me routine. I finally relaxed and enjoyed the music. That old gospel music that I was brought up on. I always feel like in church that I am going to be called out. That they are going to try and convert me into being something I can't or won't be. Again its all in my head. Everyone is in church for their own reasons. I am not that important that they are there thinking about me.

Amazing what where my head goes. I can take those thoughts so far out in left field. I get so scared of being dimed out. But who is diming me out? Them or me?

Becoming a Man So Far

So here I am been on T since September 13. Almost two months. Am I changing? Some say I look different. Face is not as round. I know I am needing to use more hygiene products. But I have always used men's products. Nothing new with that. But I have had to crank it up because I have a different odor about me. Amazing how things are changing.
I am so fucking horny. I feel like I need a lot of sex. I have never had to get off like I am now. If I could I would just stay in bed and play with myself all day. I think about sex, I look at women and think so many fucking sexual thoughts. Just strange women at the grocery store. But what is frustrating is that I still look female. So what do I need to do to man it up? I think I might start with getting rid of the earrings.Changing them or something. Hell would fucking earrings make me a man?
I feel like I am stuck. I myself am not sure a lot of times what am I. I have such excitement on what I will be like, what I will look like. What kind of man will I be. I want to be this perfect man. But there is no perfect man. It's just a man striving to live in a perfect world but never obtaining that perfect status.
So for now I just have the hormones of a 17 year old boy and live the life of the road I have walked in 51 years.

Frustrating

Before T I was referred to as sir, he a lot more than I am now. Am I more sensitive to it now? Was it happening all along? What do I need to do to "look" more male? I just want to feel comfortable in my skin and be comfortable with who people see me as.
I feel like I need to 'man it up" more. I have to ask others is this normal. I am learning to reach out more and ask for help. Never going to step out of the boat and feel more comfortable unless I put myself out there.

So it's Saturday night and I am a little lonely being in the house all alone. I wish for more. But what more do I want? A relationship? Friendships? What am I feeling like I am missing. This too is frustrating.

For tonight I will just rest and find some peace.

Changes

I really thought I would have seen a few changes since starting the "T". I can't see anything but have been told about how my facial features are changing. Guess it was sort of like when I stopped drinking and drugging. People were saying they were seeing a difference in me but I could not see it. I am slowly feeling more comfortable in my body. So much to think about with my life. I am only at the beginning of this with changes. But I fear what people are going to think. I have to admit my fear. If I keep it inside it just festers and grows. In the past I would keep all this stuff in and it would then just explode. I am beyond the exploding stage. I am all about what is the next healthy step.
I am so glad I connected with the VA Chapter of the Black Transmen. This is going to be a great support to me. I will be able to have people like me and I will be able to finally see someone like me. Think like me.

So today I watched two coworkers be given their pink slip. I felt a lot of fear at the moment. Knowing that I have seen this before. Letting someone go and then in a few months everyone is gone. I can't just watch now and do nothing. I have to take action. I could step outside of myself so quickly and see that wave of fear come over me. First thoughts were who would hire me now? What am I going to do now. I stopped myself and went right to helping those two guys by talking to them and being there for them. I did what the program of AA has taught me. To get out of myself help the next sick and suffering person. I worry about one of the guys because he is a member of AA. He could very easily go out and take a drink. I just have to pray that he does the next right thing.

As for me them leaving will be yet another change at the job. But it also for today is not me. Just keep doing what I am doing and I will be okay.

Peaceful Sunday

I woke up this morning and listened to the Sunday morning sounds. Quiet, peaceful, serene. A work week that was like the strong winds that blow, it has not become the calm after the storm. My feelings about work, future etc was just the strong wind blowing. Wind is going to blow and I have to learn to ride the storm. I never thought I would be able to feel this way. Always thought that life was just a big storm. The reality is my life is good. I am just where I need to be. I am who I am because of the choices I have am taking. Life is good. I am going to have more storms and more craziness in my life. It's what I do with it today that will help my tomorrows.
I am okay.

Early Morning

I woke up early. Guess I have a lot to think about. With job and future and stuff. But I keep reminding myself what Jen said. The rear view mirror is a lot smaller than the windshield for a reason. So I am going to keep reminding myself of that. Amazing though I am not in freak out mode about the job. I am just getting myself geared to be in survivor mode. I have to take action to make up for the lost money I will have. I just have to step up and do the next right thing.
I quickly thought last night that the timing for all of this is bad. How do I present myself at my job as one thing and I am becoming someone else? If I interview for a job now who am I? Damn these are the thoughts that woke me up. But I just started praying and started writing. It's the only thing I know how to do right now.
I have been thinking so much about Jen lately. What Would Jen Suggest That I Do? That is a little saying I am repeating to myself when I feel up against the wall. No need to tell Michael. It's just not working with us. That is okay. I am giving it till the holidays and then I will look at things then. I am okay for now with ME and GOD and God and I. If I need to bounce stuff off of someone I will. I have learned a lot about keeping those sick secrets. So its 6:30 in the morning and the start of my day. I am grateful to wake up and feel free. Grateful I can recognize my feelings and can work through it. Grateful to be a part of another day.
I have to take the action that is needed to make my life complete. I will do that I will move forward and not be crippled by the anxiety that life can bring.

In The Middle Part 2

I am beginning to get stares out in public. It was the same stares when I was larger with more weight on. Weighing in at close to 500 pounds 7 years ago. I got stares and eyes rolled and laughter. Last few days I get the stares like what is that? Is it a man? Is it a woman? Could it be me being more sensitive to what I am trying to become? Could it be a mixture of both? I am feeling a little uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment. I am operating off of a little more fear.
Got word that my job is suffering like every other company during these times. Cutting our hours back. I think right now I don't want to look for another job. Just came out to these people as to what I am doing. They have been very accepting. Fear about money, fear about applying for another job. But I just am trying on a daily basics to take these fears and give them to God. Have faith that my Higher Power is going to ease my fears and things will work out the way they are suppose to.
Funny thing about fear it always seems to just come on me at different times. It's like a big ugly bird that swoops down and tries to grab me. I am trying to figure which direction to go to and it just keeps flapping its large, dark wings. If I just close my eyes and open them it's gone. Just my imagination. It's never as big as it seems or dark. I just have to stop and take a deep breath and recognize that it will be okay.

I feel stuck in the middle with therapy right now too. I know with this cut in pay I am going to have to cut my time back. Co pays are too high to pay every week. I am a little fearful of that too. I am also trying to get into some sort of groove with Michael. It's just not clicking. It's missing something. It's not feeding me what I need or what I was getting with Jen. Again is it me? What adjustments do I have to do? I need to talk to Michael about this and I will. AA has taught me that your secrets keep you sick. I don't want to be sick any longer and I am not one to keep secrets not with something as important as therapy right now
Why did Jen have to leave? It's all a process of growth. I accept that.I just don't like it.

Caught In The Middle

A lot of days I feel so caught in the middle. Am I male or female? When do I become completely male? Will it be when my name change is official? Is it when I feel more emotionally fit in my new world? I feel like I am walking this alone. All I have to do is reach out to others. I will go to the support group Tuesday night. Get back with at least transmen. They are different. No black transmen, no one my age At least we all have one thing in common. We are men trapped in another genders body and we are traveling a new journey to create ourselves
I miss Jen more the last few weeks. As much as I am trying I am not feeling a connection with Michael. I have tried more and more but there is a wall. A barrier. Is it me? Can I try harder?
I just don't know how much longer I need to give this before moving on. I will try just a little while longer. I have to keep reminding myself he is not Jen and he will not be bringing to the table what Jen brought. He is bringing something different. I am not one to give up on any thing any longer. I will not give up on therapy with Michael

Thoughts

Spent time today when I was cutting grass thinking about all the changes in my life that have taken place. The changes that has happened and the ones becoming up. I felt a sense of fear for just a moment thinking about the challenges ahead of me. Today I felt the loss of not being in a relationship. Not being able to come home and share details both intimate and just the whatever moments. I realized that it could be that I will be even more alone as the changes happen with my gender changes. I have to keep reminding myself that I am okay with where I am right now. That it is okay to be alone and it is okay to be single going through this.
That I am healthy and free to move around the universe today. I am who I am because I chose the path of healthy instead of sick.
I read Jen's letter that she wrote me today and it made me sad but hopeful. The last line in her letter is that the rear view mirror is smaller that the windshield for a reason. I need to buckle up and drive without fear. Look at whats ahead but always pay attention to what is happening now. The now is that I am happy, I am healthy and I have a sense of freedom.
There is more I will write in the days to come about therapy and how its just not working for me right now But for today I am going to enjoy that freedom I am feeling at the moment. Looking out the windshield at the drive in front of me at the moment. Feeling okay and knowing I am making the right decisions about my life

Sunday Morning

Here I am on a Sunday morning. House is quiet and my thoughts of my new life are swirling around in my head. Two weeks on the "T". I wake up every morning thinking something has changed. But change takes time and I have all the time in the world.
I realized this morning what a calm peaceful life I have going on right now. I am content in many ways. I miss not being in a relationship but that too takes time. I love Sunday mornings. Quiet, easy, no rush, nothing on the agenda.
I have been thinking a lot of what will I look like on "T". Will my looks change? How much will my body change? How soon? So many questions. I have some fear and doubt at times. Fear that this will just alienate me even more in this town. Doubt if I am doing the right thing. I just keep coming back to the core of all of this. What is making me happy. Why am I so content in my life right now? I am because of the decisions I have made thus far. I am because I know I am not a lesbian, or straight woman. Where do I fit? Who am I? I am a Transman who happens to be attracted to lesbian women?
Will I be accepted by the lesbian community? I really need to connect with more black transmen. How do I do that? I have to be willing to step out of the boat and walk on the water. Have faith in what I believe in and move forward. These words sound great but can I do this? Can I step out? I have to I have no other choice. I don't want my life to be alone, no good friends like me etc. I have to do what I need to do.

On The "T"

One week and I have been on the T. Every day I look for changes. I feel like I did when I was 8. It was Christmas and all I wanted was Johnny and Jane West set Of course the complete set! With the ranch and the horses Deep down I wondered if I would be allowed to have this boy toy. There had been no debate about it when I asked for what I wanted on that special day. I thought it would be safer asking for Jane West as well. After all she was a girl doll. But she wore western wear and looking at her now. She was nothing near the femme world of Barbie. She wore pants and a shirt very much like her husband or could it have been her sibling? I got the entire set including Johnny West that Christmas. I think it was the best Christmas present I ever got. I certainly is the one I remembered. All the accessories were included. I spent hours playing with Johnny and Jane. Riding into the sunset on Thunderbolt, waking up in the morning having coffee over the flames. As I recall I was always allowed the boy toys. I had the GI Joe's etc 

I write all of this because I felt like that little boy last Tuesday. Excited and anxious all at the same time. I am crossing over to being the man that this little girl of 8 wanted to be. 

Name Change

So tomorrow I go and get the official name change with the court. Just filling out some paper work and then wait and it's all done. How do I feel about that? A little scared, not sure where the fear is coming from. Can't really pen point the anxiety. But I feel it in my stomach. Many times I wonder if this is the right thing. I know in my heart and soul it is. I know that in order for me to be a complete person I have to move forward with this.
There are days I want to shout this out from the roof top. Other days I just want to go and hide. I am in the peeking out the hole stage today. Just like the ground hog, peeking out to see what I see. But unlike the ground hog I am not running back in. I can't, I won't. I should not have to.

August 23rd

I have my prescription and the next step is to get it filled and move on to the next stage of my life. This is yet another new journey. I feel alone with this. Like I am the lone wolf out in the field away from the pack. It's not a that it's a horrible feeling. I just will be glad when the changes really start to take effect. I will then not feel so much like the freak that I feel now. I can wear men's clothes and feel okay. I will be looked at as a the male that I am. Right now I feel like I am caught in between. Is this what it is like when one dies? People talk about them being present in the earthly world and present in the Godly world. Am I waiting for Charlotte to die and Charley to emerge and bring new life?
I will just keep moving towards being healthy. Eating well, exercising and keeping my head clear. I keep the head clear by forever remaining teachable. It's work living healthy. Every morning I take the responsibility of what my day is going to be like. How am I going to treat people. How do I want people to treat me. I think that by practicing these principles in all my affairs will keep me healthy.
I need to make a commitment that I will blog my feelings, and thoughts more. I can't go back to the old routine of keeping them closed in. I have to write this out. I did a mental 10th step daily I need to do this as well. I am going to apply the steps about my transitioning.
I was a little shocked they gave me these meds so quickly. So many thoughts running through my head. Am I ready? What will it do to me? Will I die from this? Is God pleased with what I am doing? I need to just settle down and just go with the what God is doing for me. He is doing for me what I can't do for myself!

Making A Difference

Yesterday I see what it means to make a difference in someone's life. I was at a meeting and this guy comes to me after the meeting. Shakes my hand and proceeds to say he heard my share over a month ago about changing my name. He asked if I was going transition to female to male. I swallowed hard not knowing what to expect from my yes to his question. But I did and what happened next was earth shattering for me. He proceeded to tell me about his daughter who was ten who they were taking to a specialist to help her become a boy. He spoke of his daughter/son with such love and caring. How all he wanted from his child was that they be happy. He asked if I was willing to meet with his daughter/son. It was the first time through just my short life of attempting to live as a male that I felt I could be of service to this father and his child.

Amazing what happens when we put our self out of the way and let our Higher Power simply move through us. We can make a difference.

Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the last session with Jen. I am having some mixed feelings about all of this. A little anger that she is moving and I feel like she is leaving me. Some sadness that she won't be a part of the next part of my journey. Jen has been riding shot gun with me for awhile now. So now it's time for her to jump out the car and I am allowing someone to ride in the car with me.

How will the ride be from here on out?

Jen saved my life when I could not even know where I needed to start to even live a good life. I didn't even have a clue as to what life was supposed to be like. So tonight I am going to pray for our last session will not be very emotional. That saying good bye is only a start to something new.

Being A Black Man

So I am watching this you tube video on Facebook about this brother who is trans and how he is being treated now as a male. That when he is walking down the street white people fear him. It struck me that this very thing could happen to me as I continue to transition. I mean I sort of kind of get it now but a little different. People before I got the binder could not figure me out from a distance. They looked at the chest first. Now they still look at the chest see barely nothing and then try to figure out. This is what I am right now having a hard time living with. This see saw gender living. Work I am Charlotte, to family I am Charlotte but to some I am Charley. I just will be glad when I can finally step over and just be me! The African American brother I am suppose to be.

You know this would all be so simple if I was just born a man. I can remember as a child dreaming of being a little black boy. I would climb up in the tree in the front yard. Armed with green army men, GI Joe and I would play for hours as the little boy I wanted to be. Amazing how many of my childhood memories are coming back now that I have taken this step. I keep thinking about that tree and how when it was cut down. I wonder if those green army men were still in their cave? Today I have some of those green army men on my book shelf. Some of them had parachutes and I would drop them from the tree. Those hours I spent playing alone must have been the happy moments of my childhood. I was all boy. I was just being me.

Today I can play with those green army men like a young boy if I want to. I don't have to feel ashamed or that I am being different. I won't be laughed at from classmates at school or made to play with Barbie dolls. Today if I want to play with green army men I can be who I want to be.

Being a black man. Will I be feared? How different will it be? Do I have fear of being a black man? Can I handle being a black man? So many questions circle around in my head about this. What will I be like? I want to have the gentle soul of my Father. His honesty and his character. Can I live up to be the man my Father was?

Tonight

A little disappointed in that the clinic called and cancelled at the last minute. Once I got over the first response of disappointment I realized that every thing cannot go my way. I have to learn to go with the flow of life. So amazing these days how I can recognize my feelings address them and move on. Wish I had learn this months or years ago. Things could have been different. Or are they coming to me at the time they are suppose to come? Talked to a good friend tonight who feels like he does not need AA. I listened. I never made a statement until the end. I just shared my own experience, strength and hope with him, My experience is that I have to go to a certain number of meetings. If I don't I start spinning out of control. I don't over dose on meetings like some but I have 3 or 4 that I go to a week. My strength from this is that I stay in control with a mixture of AA, the fellowship with a few certain people and my own self worth that I am helping someone else by being there. There might be someone that I can take just a minute of my time to give them something that they are missing or don't even have. My hope is that by going I am helping someone else who helps me stay away from the drink and the drug.

I have learned the hard way that I cannot put all my trust in AA. That there are other things that are going to help me have a balance life. AA, therapy, work, my home, taking care of me. Just to name a few. Tonight I listened to my friend struggle with issues of an ex, struggle with allowing sick people in AA rule his coming and goings. I take what I need and leave the rest. I am grateful that we are all not sick on the same day. That someone with 30 minutes of being sober and clean can help me just like someone with 30 years. We all are the same just a daily reprieve.

Fear

Last night I got sick at my stomach. Not sure what was going on and I had this cloud of fear surround me. What will happen when I have surgery and there is no on there in the night if I get sick? What happens if my body has a hard time with testosterone? Will someone be there to help me? This is the lonely fearful part of this in my mind. I was really in my head last night when I woke up sick. The mental sick side of me felt like a victim wanted to feel sorry for myself. But deep down God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. He quieted the disturbance in my head. I was able to awake this morning not feeling well but able to take care of a few things. Then take care of me. Sleep, eat good and rest, and pray. Those were the essential things that I need to do. I have the tools today to make my day good or bad. I took care of me.

Tonight I am preparing to meet with the Fan Free Clinic on Tuesday and take that next step towards becoming a man. They will talk to me about testosterone, an intake and I am officially on my road. 

How I wish Jen could be a part of this next step. I have to recognize that this is some of what is going on with my emotional self. This is going to be a tough emotional week and I just need to accept and move on. Relationships change and end and new ones begin.

A New Man

Today I have been thinking about how I will soon become a new man. I have a little fear about what I will be like. How I will react to things in life as a new man. My mind can sometimes go so far to the left that it is scary. I have been thinking that since I am becoming a man. I will be able to drink a beer from time to time or have a drink from time to time when I get home. I then come back to the reality that I am an alcoholic no many what changes my body will take. I guess I need to crank the meetings up a little more. Talk about it with this new therapist guy. Damn how I just don't want to star a new relationship with a therapist. Why can't Jen just stay? Well that is all just me wanting things my way. Her leaving is not about me. That is what I have to realize and keep reminding myself. This is not about me. It's about change and how I need to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot believe how my life has change since accepting my gender differences. How I feel more at ease, how I am just happy with what life has to offer. It amazes me how I handle situations and it baffles me! Am I in some dream world? Is life just this good for me right now? I mean I still have little money from month to month. I am in a job that is the least favorite job I have ever had. But I just keep moving through.

As a new man I want to be a gentle soul like my Daddy. Someone who just takes life as it comes.
Charley means "free man". I have to smile when I think that, say that. "Free Man". I am free.

Serenity and Peace

I am feeling something this evening not sure what it is. I am thinking I am just at peace in my life and serenity from time to time. I keep thinking about the 9th Step Promises. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace......We will suddenly realize that God is going for us what we could not do for ourselves. I love this and try to remind myself of this daily. My life is taking a new step, a new phrase of my development. I will become a different person. The person I have always was suppose to be.

Saying Goodbye

So one more hour with Jen and we say good bye. The last few months have been a tremendous growth experience for me. I don't know where I would be right now if I had not found Jen. We taught each other a lot. I know Jen has taught me to be secure in who I am. When I first came to Jen about my gender issues she went right into lets teach each other about this. She help educate me on who I was going to be. What to expect and where to go for help. She never stopped trying to learn as much as she could about the man I wanted to be. As sad as I am about Jen leaving I am so at peace with what she is leaving me. With how she taught me to play well with others.

I don't have anger about this just sadness that she will not be around to continue to watch the progress unfold. But I shall never forget her for what she brought to my life.

My New Journey To A New Life

I am in the process of changing my name. Amazing I am having a hard time changing my voice mail. What is that all about? I am so ready for this new life. So ready to move forward. Why is it so hard to change the voice mail?

It is almost like I know once I change it ...I am out in the open with this. This will be one of the next steps to my new journey to a new life. 

When I bought my binder it was like it was one of the welcoming pieces I have missed for so long. Why did it take 51 years for me to get to this? It was all in God's time. God was not ready for me to move through this until now. Succeeding through the stillness. I have learned to be still. I have learned that its okay today to feel lonely.

Today I feel really lonely. Really all by myself. I will just move through it with no drama. I tried to reach out to a few people everyone is busy. So I will just get productive with starting this new blog and putting down my thoughts. 

So tonight I will just read a little, pray a lot and rest my body, mind and spirit. I will be okay feeling a little lonely tonight.