During my quiet times. I have this question come to my mind. Who am I? Where am I suppose to be. After a few minutes of pondering. I realize I am just where I need to be. I am becoming comfortable with becoming a man. Every thing else can come in its own time. I try to look more male. I feel fake. I try to man it down and I feel like a fake. But when I just say fuck it and let it be. I am more comfortable.
I am more honest with who I am with people. I am not shouting from the roof tops that I am becoming a transman but I let people know who need to know.
I went to a local church function tonight. For a few moments I did the there is no one here like me routine. I finally relaxed and enjoyed the music. That old gospel music that I was brought up on. I always feel like in church that I am going to be called out. That they are going to try and convert me into being something I can't or won't be. Again its all in my head. Everyone is in church for their own reasons. I am not that important that they are there thinking about me.
Amazing what where my head goes. I can take those thoughts so far out in left field. I get so scared of being dimed out. But who is diming me out? Them or me?
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