Childhood

It was not until talking with Michael this evening that I thought about the green army men. I remember playing in the Mimosa tree in the front yard. It had a hole in it that I would hide my army men in every night. Neatly tuck them away because they were my boy toys. Two had parachutes that I would climb in the tree and let them spiral down. Even at 6 and 7 years old I was that little boy trapped inside that body of a girl. Even then I was living a dual life. I was the little boy romping through the yard by the week. Weekend at church time I had to become the little awkward little girl. I didn't know how to stand or sit correctly in dresses. I felt like such a fake. I think back now and how unfair I had to live this life in this body. How I just wanted to be free to be who I always thought I was suppose to be.
I think maybe that why drugs and alcohol became so important in my life. I could escape into a a world. Today I don't have to do that escape. I am becoming more comfortable with who I am as a transman. Someday I have to introduce the two the little six year old boy and the 51 year old man.