Being A Black Man

So I am watching this you tube video on Facebook about this brother who is trans and how he is being treated now as a male. That when he is walking down the street white people fear him. It struck me that this very thing could happen to me as I continue to transition. I mean I sort of kind of get it now but a little different. People before I got the binder could not figure me out from a distance. They looked at the chest first. Now they still look at the chest see barely nothing and then try to figure out. This is what I am right now having a hard time living with. This see saw gender living. Work I am Charlotte, to family I am Charlotte but to some I am Charley. I just will be glad when I can finally step over and just be me! The African American brother I am suppose to be.

You know this would all be so simple if I was just born a man. I can remember as a child dreaming of being a little black boy. I would climb up in the tree in the front yard. Armed with green army men, GI Joe and I would play for hours as the little boy I wanted to be. Amazing how many of my childhood memories are coming back now that I have taken this step. I keep thinking about that tree and how when it was cut down. I wonder if those green army men were still in their cave? Today I have some of those green army men on my book shelf. Some of them had parachutes and I would drop them from the tree. Those hours I spent playing alone must have been the happy moments of my childhood. I was all boy. I was just being me.

Today I can play with those green army men like a young boy if I want to. I don't have to feel ashamed or that I am being different. I won't be laughed at from classmates at school or made to play with Barbie dolls. Today if I want to play with green army men I can be who I want to be.

Being a black man. Will I be feared? How different will it be? Do I have fear of being a black man? Can I handle being a black man? So many questions circle around in my head about this. What will I be like? I want to have the gentle soul of my Father. His honesty and his character. Can I live up to be the man my Father was?