Changes

I realized how much life has changed for me since I have transition. I am no longer a part of the lesbian world. I am now a man and looked as a man. It just sort of hit me like a ton of bricks of living here in Charlottesville I have alienated myself again with a new label. There are very few FTM's here and I am feeling the loneliness today. I really need to decide if this is the place I am going to live out the rest of my years Maybe its time to move on to another place, Maybe God is telling me the changes that are happening need to happen in a new place. I sure am not getting anywhere in this time. Always one foot ahead and three steps backwards. Always struggling. When does this struggle stop for me? I am trying to keep the faith with these employment changes but I really need a break here I am feeling bits and pieces of fear but I keep trying to turn it over. Turning it over. Its what they tell me in AA. Turn it over. The weekend I had a little bit of fear when I would be alone. Fear that I am here in this time all alone. Here with no job, no social circle of the FTM's just alone. I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself but its true. I am like a fish out of water when it comes to my transition. More prayer and more faith That is where I need to be. Changes are going to happen. I have to accept that. Change will change my life. I just have to hang on.

In My Head

Been sort of in my head the last few days. I just can't seem to get the fucking break I need with this damn employment. Laid off again from yet another job. This time I really didn't see it coming. Last Wednesday morning I woke feeling a little scared, having that fear that this might be my last day with this company. I guess my gut feeling was right. Within two hours I was once again without a job. Living in slight financial fear again. Having to put on the song and dance routine for interviews. What is God trying to tell me? Am I suppose to do something else in my life? I need to get quiet and await for God's answer. I know he has one for me. I know I just need to wait this out and God will provide. I have this faith, I have the belief. But there is still that small amount of fear. Sometimes it's like I have these moments of oh shit! I have to catch my breath and remind myself that I have been here before and I will get through this. I have to get through this. Fear and bad moments don't last forever.
I have to be vigilant with what I need to do with my life moving forward. I just need to speak my fear about everything. Job, relationships, money life stuff.
The most important thing is to keep my sober life intact. By that I need to continue to work my steps, go to meetings and just live my life emotionally sober.
I have to keep the faith, have to know that God has my back.
I have been reading a lot about following my dream. My dream has been to be a published author. Could this be what I do with the free time that I am going to have. Continue to put my words down on paper? I know all this sounds so crazy. Here I am with no job and I want to be a starving artist! It makes me smile. But its my dream. I have a story to tell, I have words that need to speak out. Help someone and help myself. By putting the words down I have in my journey to my healing. I have come to a lot of healing moments but there are more. I love the thought that I will always continue to heal from one thing or the next. But I have so much time to catch up on my healing So much to speak about. So much to acknowledge that it was not my fault.
Do I love my life right now? I do. I just wish it was a little better. But it's okay it is what it is for the moment.

Sunday morning

I like Sunday mornings. Quiet and peaceful. I use to not feel the serenity that days like today is giving me. I was so caught up in my head that I just could not feel or see the beauty. Today is so different. I am so different. Does this come from taking T? Having some therapy under my belt? On meds? I think it might be a combo of all of them. I also think that I am just maturing into the person I am becoming. I don't worry about what people think of me. 

I have had a little inside battle this week about my growing mustache. It is becoming more visible and I worry what my family is going to think. But after a lot of soul searching I have to live to be me. This is what this journey is all about. I have not driven the miles that I have every other week to Richmond, long hours of therapy and a lot of soul searching to be scared or concerned about that others think of me. It's non of my business what they think of me. They are going to be uncomfortable with whatever I do. First they were uncomfortable about my lifestyle. Then who I loved, now its my transition. It's all okay. As long as I am comfortable with who I am it's all that matters. 

I have been writing a lot more lately and determined to write at least 2500 words per day. That is my goal. I am not sure I will meet it but its what I have put upon my soul to do. It helps to put those words of the feelings from the past down on paper. I can feel it and just move on.

I have been packing more lately and it is such a great feeling to pack. It helps with me feeling caught in between lives. It helps with being more in touch with my masculine side. It just gives me a better feeling all together. Hard to explain but it just does. I am saving money to buy a STP and will be wearing this at all times. It's another step towards being the man I am suppose to be. I really am excited and can't wait until I have all the money saved to do this. 

I went to UVA on Friday and met with my Endo doc. She was very understanding and I am actually her first transman that she will be seeing. We spent a a lot of time just talking. I was afraid that they were going to require that I have more therapy. She was very impress with my letters of support and actually everything took less than an hour and I was out of there.

I then went for a job interview. My goal is to find a better job by the end of the year. One that pays a little better and one that I have some health benefits. I pray every night that God will enlarge my financial, and employment territory. I pray that I will have someone in my life to share these joys with. I pray that my life becomes complete. I am heading in the right direction and it all takes time. But I am becoming the man I want the world to see.

One Year

September 13 was one year of being on T. I am a little late writing about this. I did a quiet celebration of my anniversary. I don't know its like its not complete. I want to have top surgery so bad. It's hard trying to save money on the salary that I am currently making. But I just keep praying for a better job, just keep praying that something will work out and I can get the surgery that I so need to take that next step into my manhood.

I went to the Charlottesville Pride and worked a booth for Black Transmen Inc. It was official that in Charlottesville those who know me now know that I am a black transman and I am living my life as one.

I still have my moments with my family that scare me a little about what are they thinking. What are they saying. But I quickly let go of that fear and just know that I am living my life for me. It's time that I just simply step up and be who I was suppose to be all along. 

I have fear that I might not ever love someone in a intimate relationship because there are no women out there wanting someone who is trans. But that too will come in time. What I want to do is finish my novel, finish those thoughts and get them down on paper. See if it can help the next person like me who is attempting this late in life. 

To be their voice, to the print of their footsteps and follow me.

This week I am going to a new doc for my T. This will be at UVA. I am not sure what to expect from them. If they are going to be ignorant to what I need and treat me differently. I am prepared to defend myself on what medical services I need. I am not going to be afraid to speak up for what I need, what I am suppose to get for my health. 

So for today I am feeling okay. I am feeling like I am going to make it okay. I am on the right path and I am moving forward to being the person I am suppose to be. After a year on T. I am right on target.

Grateful Monday

So many things I am grateful for today. I just think that life is going okay now. I am grateful to have a job, a place to live, good friend to turn to when I need it. I am so grateful for Black Transmen Inc. They are opening doors for me I would have never step through. I am excited that I am going to run a Black Transmen booth at the Cville Pride fest. In the past I would have never even attended this let alone work a booth!
My self confidence is getting higher. I am much more comfortable with who I am.
I still have my struggle about my transition from time to time. I still struggle sometimes if this is the right thing to do. Will anyone ever love me and I love them again? Is this what God wants from me? Just questions that I am sure sometimes goes through the minds of almost anyone going through this.
I will have to ask some more of the trans guys if this ever crosses their minds. I know its less than it use to be. In the beginning I would get fearful and then those thoughts would come to mind.
Today they are less. But I still have them. I think of it like when I was getting sober and would second guess if this the the thing I want to do. Was I really an addict. The truth is my life got so much better after using that I don't want to go back out and try it and see. I just could not think of what my life would be like if it was like it was when I first came to AA.
I am grateful today just to be grateful. I still need to work on developing some stronger friendships with some trans guys. But I am reaching out more and helping some younger guys. Keeping check on them see how they are doing. Just putting myself out there more. It feels good to think about someone else. To be of service to someone other than myself. It gets me out of my head so.
Today I am so grateful

Sunday Morning

It's been awhile since I posted anything. I have got to get better at my writing. I am feeling really good about my transition. I am comfortable where I am and even more comfortable with my manhood. I wonder a lot where my path would be right now if I was born a male. Would I have been a substance abuser and drinker? Would I be married now with the kids and the house. What would my profession be? Making this change late in life is almost like a rebirth. I am starting for the first time. I feel the need to become a new person all over again.
I had this dream the other night that I was total male and I was having a drink at the bar with this woman. It was so real. I woke up thinking that was my glimpse into the world of what I would have been like if I was born male. I might have been able to drink. But this it the real life and I cannot drink I am a recovering alcoholic and in this life I cannot and will not drink.
In AA they call that a drinking dream. Have never had one in my 6 years of being sober. I have heard people talk about them but I had never had one. It tricky because I woke up thinking man was that a dream or did that happen? Thank God it was a dream!

So here I am on the Sunday morning enjoying the quietness and getting ready to start my day. Something about Sunday mornings it's quiet and serene. I yearn for those serene moments. I love just being with me in the quiet. My soul is at rest.

I promise to write more to become better discipline with writing in my blog as well as my personal writings that I have started.

Just For Today

So its been awhile since I post and I keep telling myself I am going to get better at this. But of course I slip. I have got to put my thoughts and feelings out here just to help me from keeping them all in.
I am doing okay. Work is good, my family is well and I am adjusting to life. I never thought I would say I am comfortable being single. But its is not all that bad. I have a good life right now. Just for today. I am feeling good about losing almost 30 pounds and am going to keep eating healthy and need to pump up the workout more. Right now I am going to workout at home since I am trying to save money and the gym is not something I can afford right now.
I was at one point doing 100 push ups and sit ups and need to get back to that. Man was I feeling strong when I was doing them! I don't know if it was all in my mind or if it was really happening but I felt like I was bulking up!
So since the last time I wrote I on here I guess I really had not talk about the changes that I am seeing since being on T for 9 months. I am beginning to get more hair on my thighs and knuckles. I know that a crazy thing to notice but hair on my knuckles was a big deal for me! I have to shave every day or I have that teenage fuzz look. I really don't need a beard or a mustache to make me the man I am wanting to be.
I guess I am just throwing a lot of random thoughts out here today.

My time with my therapist Michael is ending this month and we are having a hard time connecting. With me working in Richmond a lot we really could not connect. I am feeling okay with just chilling out for a little while and shopping around for a therapist this time what will understand the trans thing.
I remember when Jen left I was really sad and it took awhile for Michael and I to connect. I don't really think we ever really totally connected but he gave me what I needed for the time that he gave. I needed to be with a male therapist to get some of the male take on things.
I am going to take a holiday until about September on seeing a therapist and then I will find one through the Fan Free Clinic. Someone who has knowledge of the trans life.

Just for today I am good. I am feeling okay mentally and emotionally and I am relaxed with my life.
Just for today.