Who Am I?

During my quiet times. I have this question come to my mind. Who am I? Where am I suppose to be. After a few minutes of pondering. I realize I am just where I need to be. I am becoming comfortable with becoming a man. Every thing else can come in its own time. I try to look more male. I feel fake. I try to man it down and I feel like a fake. But when I just say fuck it and let it be. I am more comfortable.
I am more honest with who I am with people. I am not shouting from the roof tops that I am becoming a transman but I let people know who need to know.

I went to a local church function tonight. For a few moments I did the there is no one here like me routine. I finally relaxed and enjoyed the music. That old gospel music that I was brought up on. I always feel like in church that I am going to be called out. That they are going to try and convert me into being something I can't or won't be. Again its all in my head. Everyone is in church for their own reasons. I am not that important that they are there thinking about me.

Amazing what where my head goes. I can take those thoughts so far out in left field. I get so scared of being dimed out. But who is diming me out? Them or me?

Becoming a Man So Far

So here I am been on T since September 13. Almost two months. Am I changing? Some say I look different. Face is not as round. I know I am needing to use more hygiene products. But I have always used men's products. Nothing new with that. But I have had to crank it up because I have a different odor about me. Amazing how things are changing.
I am so fucking horny. I feel like I need a lot of sex. I have never had to get off like I am now. If I could I would just stay in bed and play with myself all day. I think about sex, I look at women and think so many fucking sexual thoughts. Just strange women at the grocery store. But what is frustrating is that I still look female. So what do I need to do to man it up? I think I might start with getting rid of the earrings.Changing them or something. Hell would fucking earrings make me a man?
I feel like I am stuck. I myself am not sure a lot of times what am I. I have such excitement on what I will be like, what I will look like. What kind of man will I be. I want to be this perfect man. But there is no perfect man. It's just a man striving to live in a perfect world but never obtaining that perfect status.
So for now I just have the hormones of a 17 year old boy and live the life of the road I have walked in 51 years.

Frustrating

Before T I was referred to as sir, he a lot more than I am now. Am I more sensitive to it now? Was it happening all along? What do I need to do to "look" more male? I just want to feel comfortable in my skin and be comfortable with who people see me as.
I feel like I need to 'man it up" more. I have to ask others is this normal. I am learning to reach out more and ask for help. Never going to step out of the boat and feel more comfortable unless I put myself out there.

So it's Saturday night and I am a little lonely being in the house all alone. I wish for more. But what more do I want? A relationship? Friendships? What am I feeling like I am missing. This too is frustrating.

For tonight I will just rest and find some peace.

Changes

I really thought I would have seen a few changes since starting the "T". I can't see anything but have been told about how my facial features are changing. Guess it was sort of like when I stopped drinking and drugging. People were saying they were seeing a difference in me but I could not see it. I am slowly feeling more comfortable in my body. So much to think about with my life. I am only at the beginning of this with changes. But I fear what people are going to think. I have to admit my fear. If I keep it inside it just festers and grows. In the past I would keep all this stuff in and it would then just explode. I am beyond the exploding stage. I am all about what is the next healthy step.
I am so glad I connected with the VA Chapter of the Black Transmen. This is going to be a great support to me. I will be able to have people like me and I will be able to finally see someone like me. Think like me.

So today I watched two coworkers be given their pink slip. I felt a lot of fear at the moment. Knowing that I have seen this before. Letting someone go and then in a few months everyone is gone. I can't just watch now and do nothing. I have to take action. I could step outside of myself so quickly and see that wave of fear come over me. First thoughts were who would hire me now? What am I going to do now. I stopped myself and went right to helping those two guys by talking to them and being there for them. I did what the program of AA has taught me. To get out of myself help the next sick and suffering person. I worry about one of the guys because he is a member of AA. He could very easily go out and take a drink. I just have to pray that he does the next right thing.

As for me them leaving will be yet another change at the job. But it also for today is not me. Just keep doing what I am doing and I will be okay.

Peaceful Sunday

I woke up this morning and listened to the Sunday morning sounds. Quiet, peaceful, serene. A work week that was like the strong winds that blow, it has not become the calm after the storm. My feelings about work, future etc was just the strong wind blowing. Wind is going to blow and I have to learn to ride the storm. I never thought I would be able to feel this way. Always thought that life was just a big storm. The reality is my life is good. I am just where I need to be. I am who I am because of the choices I have am taking. Life is good. I am going to have more storms and more craziness in my life. It's what I do with it today that will help my tomorrows.
I am okay.

Early Morning

I woke up early. Guess I have a lot to think about. With job and future and stuff. But I keep reminding myself what Jen said. The rear view mirror is a lot smaller than the windshield for a reason. So I am going to keep reminding myself of that. Amazing though I am not in freak out mode about the job. I am just getting myself geared to be in survivor mode. I have to take action to make up for the lost money I will have. I just have to step up and do the next right thing.
I quickly thought last night that the timing for all of this is bad. How do I present myself at my job as one thing and I am becoming someone else? If I interview for a job now who am I? Damn these are the thoughts that woke me up. But I just started praying and started writing. It's the only thing I know how to do right now.
I have been thinking so much about Jen lately. What Would Jen Suggest That I Do? That is a little saying I am repeating to myself when I feel up against the wall. No need to tell Michael. It's just not working with us. That is okay. I am giving it till the holidays and then I will look at things then. I am okay for now with ME and GOD and God and I. If I need to bounce stuff off of someone I will. I have learned a lot about keeping those sick secrets. So its 6:30 in the morning and the start of my day. I am grateful to wake up and feel free. Grateful I can recognize my feelings and can work through it. Grateful to be a part of another day.
I have to take the action that is needed to make my life complete. I will do that I will move forward and not be crippled by the anxiety that life can bring.

In The Middle Part 2

I am beginning to get stares out in public. It was the same stares when I was larger with more weight on. Weighing in at close to 500 pounds 7 years ago. I got stares and eyes rolled and laughter. Last few days I get the stares like what is that? Is it a man? Is it a woman? Could it be me being more sensitive to what I am trying to become? Could it be a mixture of both? I am feeling a little uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment. I am operating off of a little more fear.
Got word that my job is suffering like every other company during these times. Cutting our hours back. I think right now I don't want to look for another job. Just came out to these people as to what I am doing. They have been very accepting. Fear about money, fear about applying for another job. But I just am trying on a daily basics to take these fears and give them to God. Have faith that my Higher Power is going to ease my fears and things will work out the way they are suppose to.
Funny thing about fear it always seems to just come on me at different times. It's like a big ugly bird that swoops down and tries to grab me. I am trying to figure which direction to go to and it just keeps flapping its large, dark wings. If I just close my eyes and open them it's gone. Just my imagination. It's never as big as it seems or dark. I just have to stop and take a deep breath and recognize that it will be okay.

I feel stuck in the middle with therapy right now too. I know with this cut in pay I am going to have to cut my time back. Co pays are too high to pay every week. I am a little fearful of that too. I am also trying to get into some sort of groove with Michael. It's just not clicking. It's missing something. It's not feeding me what I need or what I was getting with Jen. Again is it me? What adjustments do I have to do? I need to talk to Michael about this and I will. AA has taught me that your secrets keep you sick. I don't want to be sick any longer and I am not one to keep secrets not with something as important as therapy right now
Why did Jen have to leave? It's all a process of growth. I accept that.I just don't like it.