Caught In The Middle

A lot of days I feel so caught in the middle. Am I male or female? When do I become completely male? Will it be when my name change is official? Is it when I feel more emotionally fit in my new world? I feel like I am walking this alone. All I have to do is reach out to others. I will go to the support group Tuesday night. Get back with at least transmen. They are different. No black transmen, no one my age At least we all have one thing in common. We are men trapped in another genders body and we are traveling a new journey to create ourselves
I miss Jen more the last few weeks. As much as I am trying I am not feeling a connection with Michael. I have tried more and more but there is a wall. A barrier. Is it me? Can I try harder?
I just don't know how much longer I need to give this before moving on. I will try just a little while longer. I have to keep reminding myself he is not Jen and he will not be bringing to the table what Jen brought. He is bringing something different. I am not one to give up on any thing any longer. I will not give up on therapy with Michael

Thoughts

Spent time today when I was cutting grass thinking about all the changes in my life that have taken place. The changes that has happened and the ones becoming up. I felt a sense of fear for just a moment thinking about the challenges ahead of me. Today I felt the loss of not being in a relationship. Not being able to come home and share details both intimate and just the whatever moments. I realized that it could be that I will be even more alone as the changes happen with my gender changes. I have to keep reminding myself that I am okay with where I am right now. That it is okay to be alone and it is okay to be single going through this.
That I am healthy and free to move around the universe today. I am who I am because I chose the path of healthy instead of sick.
I read Jen's letter that she wrote me today and it made me sad but hopeful. The last line in her letter is that the rear view mirror is smaller that the windshield for a reason. I need to buckle up and drive without fear. Look at whats ahead but always pay attention to what is happening now. The now is that I am happy, I am healthy and I have a sense of freedom.
There is more I will write in the days to come about therapy and how its just not working for me right now But for today I am going to enjoy that freedom I am feeling at the moment. Looking out the windshield at the drive in front of me at the moment. Feeling okay and knowing I am making the right decisions about my life

Sunday Morning

Here I am on a Sunday morning. House is quiet and my thoughts of my new life are swirling around in my head. Two weeks on the "T". I wake up every morning thinking something has changed. But change takes time and I have all the time in the world.
I realized this morning what a calm peaceful life I have going on right now. I am content in many ways. I miss not being in a relationship but that too takes time. I love Sunday mornings. Quiet, easy, no rush, nothing on the agenda.
I have been thinking a lot of what will I look like on "T". Will my looks change? How much will my body change? How soon? So many questions. I have some fear and doubt at times. Fear that this will just alienate me even more in this town. Doubt if I am doing the right thing. I just keep coming back to the core of all of this. What is making me happy. Why am I so content in my life right now? I am because of the decisions I have made thus far. I am because I know I am not a lesbian, or straight woman. Where do I fit? Who am I? I am a Transman who happens to be attracted to lesbian women?
Will I be accepted by the lesbian community? I really need to connect with more black transmen. How do I do that? I have to be willing to step out of the boat and walk on the water. Have faith in what I believe in and move forward. These words sound great but can I do this? Can I step out? I have to I have no other choice. I don't want my life to be alone, no good friends like me etc. I have to do what I need to do.

On The "T"

One week and I have been on the T. Every day I look for changes. I feel like I did when I was 8. It was Christmas and all I wanted was Johnny and Jane West set Of course the complete set! With the ranch and the horses Deep down I wondered if I would be allowed to have this boy toy. There had been no debate about it when I asked for what I wanted on that special day. I thought it would be safer asking for Jane West as well. After all she was a girl doll. But she wore western wear and looking at her now. She was nothing near the femme world of Barbie. She wore pants and a shirt very much like her husband or could it have been her sibling? I got the entire set including Johnny West that Christmas. I think it was the best Christmas present I ever got. I certainly is the one I remembered. All the accessories were included. I spent hours playing with Johnny and Jane. Riding into the sunset on Thunderbolt, waking up in the morning having coffee over the flames. As I recall I was always allowed the boy toys. I had the GI Joe's etc 

I write all of this because I felt like that little boy last Tuesday. Excited and anxious all at the same time. I am crossing over to being the man that this little girl of 8 wanted to be. 

Name Change

So tomorrow I go and get the official name change with the court. Just filling out some paper work and then wait and it's all done. How do I feel about that? A little scared, not sure where the fear is coming from. Can't really pen point the anxiety. But I feel it in my stomach. Many times I wonder if this is the right thing. I know in my heart and soul it is. I know that in order for me to be a complete person I have to move forward with this.
There are days I want to shout this out from the roof top. Other days I just want to go and hide. I am in the peeking out the hole stage today. Just like the ground hog, peeking out to see what I see. But unlike the ground hog I am not running back in. I can't, I won't. I should not have to.

August 23rd

I have my prescription and the next step is to get it filled and move on to the next stage of my life. This is yet another new journey. I feel alone with this. Like I am the lone wolf out in the field away from the pack. It's not a that it's a horrible feeling. I just will be glad when the changes really start to take effect. I will then not feel so much like the freak that I feel now. I can wear men's clothes and feel okay. I will be looked at as a the male that I am. Right now I feel like I am caught in between. Is this what it is like when one dies? People talk about them being present in the earthly world and present in the Godly world. Am I waiting for Charlotte to die and Charley to emerge and bring new life?
I will just keep moving towards being healthy. Eating well, exercising and keeping my head clear. I keep the head clear by forever remaining teachable. It's work living healthy. Every morning I take the responsibility of what my day is going to be like. How am I going to treat people. How do I want people to treat me. I think that by practicing these principles in all my affairs will keep me healthy.
I need to make a commitment that I will blog my feelings, and thoughts more. I can't go back to the old routine of keeping them closed in. I have to write this out. I did a mental 10th step daily I need to do this as well. I am going to apply the steps about my transitioning.
I was a little shocked they gave me these meds so quickly. So many thoughts running through my head. Am I ready? What will it do to me? Will I die from this? Is God pleased with what I am doing? I need to just settle down and just go with the what God is doing for me. He is doing for me what I can't do for myself!

Making A Difference

Yesterday I see what it means to make a difference in someone's life. I was at a meeting and this guy comes to me after the meeting. Shakes my hand and proceeds to say he heard my share over a month ago about changing my name. He asked if I was going transition to female to male. I swallowed hard not knowing what to expect from my yes to his question. But I did and what happened next was earth shattering for me. He proceeded to tell me about his daughter who was ten who they were taking to a specialist to help her become a boy. He spoke of his daughter/son with such love and caring. How all he wanted from his child was that they be happy. He asked if I was willing to meet with his daughter/son. It was the first time through just my short life of attempting to live as a male that I felt I could be of service to this father and his child.

Amazing what happens when we put our self out of the way and let our Higher Power simply move through us. We can make a difference.