Life Of A Black Man

Lately I have notice how women respond to me as a black man now. White women seem to be scared or they just ignore me. Black women very seldom even look my way. They too ignore my presence. Is this something that women do? I smile and try to be pleasant but a lot of times I don't even get a response back from them. I have to wonder. I remember when I was much bigger than I am now. People would stare and ignore because it was like they were going to catch my fat on them. Some laughed, some even shook their head. Men would not even look my way. Today a little less weight on me I would have to say its not about the weight. It's about the look. I am a black man and I am a threat. I have to remind myself of that when I am ignored in the rooms of AA by people who don't know me.
I am not a part of just an extension. That's how I feel. But for me we are all there for one common goal. To stay sober. I think sometimes their love and tolerance rule applies to only a few.

I heard the other night a comment about a transwomen in the rooms. They called her a he/she and then she was called an it. There was laughter. I asked what are you calling me? What are they saying I am? I had to let that go because its none of my business what they think of me.

First Time

It's the little things that are happening in my life that make the biggest impact for me lately. Last week I got into my first tux and and went to a black tie affair. I had wondered what it would feel like to be in a suit. Would it feel different? It felt just like I had put on a new layer of skin. It was such a great fit.
I had a little anxiety when they were measuring me for my tux. Touching me around my chest. What would happen if they discovered what I am. Then I realized that I am me. I don't have to explain anything. I am Charley and I am a proud trans man. Nothing more, nothing less.
It's amazing where my anxiety about being trans can come up in a moments notice.

Feeling Alone In AA

Lately I have felt more alone in AA than ever before. I feel like being a black man is keeping me away from people. My transition has isolated me a little from people. Once I was always included in social events. I am now never asked. I go to a meeting get my recovery and go home. I don't have much conversation with people any more and feel like I am just not a part of the group any longer.
I know this could all be in my head. But I see how each group of people have their own little click and I am just not a part of. People I use to be around have disappeared and are a part of a new group.
I don't fit in with being with woman and I don't fit in being with men. I don't raise my hand to sponsor because who am I suppose to sponsor? So I just walk my recovery with me.

Support

Almost two years ago I was given some information about transmen from Constance. She had found the info at a conference and mailed it to me to read. In the information was information about Black Transmen Inc. It opened the door for my new life. I found this group on Facebook and joined. It has been one of the greatest things that ever happened. It's my AA for my transition. There is never a topic that I am going through that someone else has not already been through. Just put it out there and someone speaks up and says oh yeah I am going through this or I have gone through this.
I am so grateful to have this group.

Birth Certificate

My next step for my transition is changing my birth certificate. Some reason it has been the hardest of the steps I have had to take. Not sure why I have a little anxiety about this. Why am I so uncertain about this. Everything else I have jumped right in and got it done. Name change, starting T, marker change. But this is making me hold off.
I have to really look at this and see what is going on. Why am I holding back so? I need to take this to the group and ask the question why? Maybe others are feeling the same way.
I printed out the form but that is as far as I have gotten. I need to take the next step. I need to remove the anxiety and push forward. Do this the same way that I did everything else.
I have to make a step toward freedom.

My First Tux

I am going to a formal event in April and I got fitted today for my first tux ever. So many firsts is happening in my life since my transition. Going to the the event will be my first formal affair I have ever attended. It is also the first time I have been fitted for a suit. I had a little anxiety when the woman was measuring me. What if she discovers I am different. What will she say. What does she think? It was very painless and I must say I felt really at ease.
So I now know my suit size and will be going out buying my own suit to own in the future. This world has opened up so much of a world I never knew. In high school I couldn't go to the prom in a tux. It was the 70's I would have been laughed out of there. I stayed at home. Everyone else went to the prom but I didn't. I don't remember if it bothered me or not. I just remember not being a part of the conversation of all the happenings the following Monday. I didn't even know where the after parties were. So I just stayed home that night. I do remember my Mother asking me if I was upset. I would have never voiced it if I was.
I was different and that was all that it was. No one asked me to go and so I was not going. I was not going to wear a dress and I could't wear what I wanted to.
Life being a lesbian was pretty tough back then. I just didn't fit in anywhere at that moment.
I don't even know if anyone missed me. No one asked.

Fear of being outed

I had this fear of being outed at work. I kept that fear with me for a couple of days and then I just let it go. Figured if it happened it was going to happen. So I continued to do my little avoiding with the guy that I knew from my neighborhood.

On Thursday I was faced to see him on the sales floor. He said hello and called me sweetie. There were a few men around but I don't think any of the picked up on the sweetie comment. I quickly told him where my cubicle was and please stop by and see me. 

He stopped by the next day. As always fear is not as big as I think it would be. I told him about my transition. He smiled shook my hand and said you know I am cool with whatever you do.

March marks the 2 anniversary of me coming out to my therapist as to be wanting to become a man. I am amazed at how I am still changing in looks, attitude and action.