Last Night In This House

So tonight is the last night in my home in North Garden. I am sad but its what has to happen. This was the home that my ex and I created and in a short time I found myself here alone. But so many things have happened with my life while being in this home. I arrived here a very confused butch or so I thought butch woman. It was here in the dark of night feeling so out of place that I discovered who I really am. That I am a man trapped in this body that is called a woman. That underneath this skin is the boy I always knew I was suppose to be.
Tonight I have one final time in this home. Reflecting and knowing that there is something out there greater for me. I just have to keep the faith and stay positive. God has my back.

Accepting Change

In AA we use the Serenity prayer a lot. I have been saying that prayer a lot these days. So many changes happening with me. Changes that I see physically and mentally because of the hormones. Changes that are happening with the move and with continued faith that I am going to be okay through all of this. Turning things over on a daily basics. I am see and feel the growth in me. I am becoming the man I also yearned to be. The one that I toyed with the idea at 16 what it would be like to be a boy. The one shoved aside for so many years. I am emerging to become someone I truly want to be around.
I still have my extreme lonely periods. Where do I fit in. No longer fit in with the women, never did really. Feel like I don't truly fit in with the guys. But I always was more comfortable around them. There is something different some sort of quietness to my soul. Is it a mixture of the acceptance of who I am? Could it be that I am just no longer depressed? That I am enjoying life even though I don't have anyone to share my joy with. Oh I have a few people that I could share this with, but I miss the intimate person. The person who will know all sides. That too will come in time. Or maybe not. I am not the one to for see what my future holds. That is where the Serenity Prayer comes in. To accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am gaining that wisdom to know the difference these days.

First Negative Response

So today I am doing some work and I had a cousin and his boyfriend (yes they are gay) helping me.
I thought it was as better time as any to tell them about my transition. My cousin just went on and on about why would I want to do this and he thought it was not something I needed to do.
His boyfriend was behind me 100%. He kept telling my cousin because it was what I wanted to do. He then went on to say they had been together 35 years and he had wanted to have a marriage ceremony but will have to wait until my cousins mother dies!
I said I was not waiting for anyone to die to be happy.
It really hit home because I thought of all people they would understand. I have to look at them and realize that they have their share of problems and ignorance about what I am doing. Should not let it effect me but just one more reason to know I might not have family and close friends to support me through this.

Connecting

Hooked up with some brothers last night and had dinner. They were all transmen. I felt so connected, so myself for the first time in my life. It was my first time being with African American transmen. I can't even describe how comfortable I felt and how I felt like I had finally arrived.
Earlier this week I was invited to dinner with a bunch of women. Other obligations lead me not to go. But I was also thinking that what I and my female friends need to realize is that no longer am I one of the girls. If I am coming along for the ride it will be as a male. More and more every day I am accepting my maleness. I am getting comfortable with becoming a male. Not sure what lead up to this or if it's just a step I was heading in and finally have gotten there. I am feeling much more a free man these days!

Manning Up

So I have now been on T for 5 months. I see changes that are beginning to take place and its all good. I need to now become a man full time. Not that I was not trying before, but I need to change the look so that its not any confusion with people that I am a man. Michael ( my therapist) and I talked about this on Friday. His suggestion was a good one about the earrings. Funny that its is taking me this long of a time to remove the earrings. Such a small feat to do but so fucking challenging. It's like another step to killing off Charlotte. As much as I want this there is a part of me that misses Charlotte. Even though I could not see a thing that would be female with Charlotte, I still miss that softness. I still grieve that killing off of Charlotte. Charlotte went through so much and remained strong. Charley is walking through his own shit too, but Charlotte was the survivor. So this week I will man it up a little more. Make my appearance just a little more masculine. I have to cause I believe in me. I trust where Charley is going to take me. Being Charley is going to be strong, loving and kind. Just like my Father. Charley will be the man that people look up to. Charley will be balanced and stable, a sober and clean black man that walks with respect.
I can't wait for the world to see the real Charley.

Life On Life Terms

It's been awhile since I have blogged. Call it lazy but really I just didn't know what to say. Life has been kicking my ass and I have just been taking the punches and keep getting up moving through the shit.
I still don't know where I am going to live by April. I just have faith that things are going to work out.
I really want all of this over. The move, getting out of this house, finding another job. All of it to just be done.
I want to get back to adjusting my life as trying to live as a man. I want to save money to have my top surgery and face life as life is handed to me. Maybe that is too much. Am I trying to play God? I have thought so many times about me in my transition. Am I playing God? I don't know. I know that I feel a fake in this body trying to pull if off as a woman. I know I am tired of being a woman wearing men's clothes. I want to fit the part I am presenting to the world.
Damn I knew this would not be easy but this shit is hard.

New Day

Amazing what a little sleep and some hope can do for the soul. This morning I woke up without the pitty party going on. Had a hell of a headache but it is now better. Amazing what stress can do to the body. My life is so uncertain right now. Not sure where I will be living in a few months, what the job situation will look like. But at least I know who I am. I have accepted my life becoming a man and I am clean and sober. Life is not all that bad. It's a new day and I just need to walk through each day 24 hours at a time.