Got a lot of stuff going on in my head. I am feeling pretty good about myself this week. Feeling confident. But man that feeling of I want to hide when I see people from my past can come on so quickly.
I see people from my past at work and I find myself hiding. Like today I saw a few old friends from the past and I would not go up and speak to them. First I have not shaved in a few days so I got the beard thing going on. Second I just don't want for them to out me at work. I know I need to step up and not worry about that but its something that I fight with daily. What if I get caught at work and people find out that I was a girl once named Charlotte.
I see now it might be some help to go find another therapist to throw this stuff off at. A different perspective. But then there is the problem of finding someone who deals with trans issues. I don't know its a lot I thought I dealt with a lot with the name change and telling some people. It's down to the nitty gritty now and its a little scary.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
Fear
Something as simple as wanting to let my beard and mustache grow gives me a little fear in the pit of my stomach. What will people think who know me as a woman. How do I explain if one of them asks? Will my family think I have gone crazy? Will it confuse my 96 year old Mother who already in her bouts of confusion not know who I am. What do I do?
This is when I wish two things. I was already born a man and that I did not live in this area. It would be so simple to be in a city away from people I grew up with and be who I truly am.
Am I being a sell out trying to be something I am not? What about the honesty I want to be who I am suppose to be?
I need to get feedback from others I am sure I am not the only one going through this. I am not alone in this nor am I unique.
This is when I wish two things. I was already born a man and that I did not live in this area. It would be so simple to be in a city away from people I grew up with and be who I truly am.
Am I being a sell out trying to be something I am not? What about the honesty I want to be who I am suppose to be?
I need to get feedback from others I am sure I am not the only one going through this. I am not alone in this nor am I unique.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Stages Of Life
These last few weeks in watching my Mother as she continues to get older, I think about the stages of life. I think about how she did the best she could in raising three children with limited income and education. I watch as this woman who was very smart and well education despite her limitations worked hard to provide for her family. I watched as now she just does not have the kick like she use to in order to get better. Is this her final stage in life? At 96 one would say yes. I was reminded by a good friend last night that death and our living is between us and God. She is so right. The final say so in when and how and where we go is between the person and their higher power.
I cannot will that my Mother will get better. I cannot will that she will get out of bed and go back to the way she was a month ago. That is between her and God. There is nothing I can say or do. I can be there for her and I can listen when she needs someone to listen and I can be the daughter/son she can turn to in order to help her.
I had to learn that I need to stop being willful in this and not want her to get better for my own selfish needs but that if she gets better she gets better.
I look at my own stages in life. Being the little girl I never wanted to be. Going through the stage of drinking and drugging, going through the stage of being a lesbian. Then being a butch lesbian and now being what I always should have been, a transman. I am today comfortable in this stage of life. There is more I want but in due time that will happen. I am free to be who I want to be and that is what I strive for all my life. Today I can take a deep breath and just as I can't be willful of my Mothers health I cannot be willful of my own stages in life. Today we both are where our Higher Power wants us to be.
I cannot will that my Mother will get better. I cannot will that she will get out of bed and go back to the way she was a month ago. That is between her and God. There is nothing I can say or do. I can be there for her and I can listen when she needs someone to listen and I can be the daughter/son she can turn to in order to help her.
I had to learn that I need to stop being willful in this and not want her to get better for my own selfish needs but that if she gets better she gets better.
I look at my own stages in life. Being the little girl I never wanted to be. Going through the stage of drinking and drugging, going through the stage of being a lesbian. Then being a butch lesbian and now being what I always should have been, a transman. I am today comfortable in this stage of life. There is more I want but in due time that will happen. I am free to be who I want to be and that is what I strive for all my life. Today I can take a deep breath and just as I can't be willful of my Mothers health I cannot be willful of my own stages in life. Today we both are where our Higher Power wants us to be.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Checking In
It's been awhile since I have written anything. It's like I have been in some sort of slump about putting words out on paper. I have so much to say but don't know what or how to formulate it. Does that make any sense? My Mother has been placed in a nursing facility for rehab and it has sort of rocked my world a little bit. Just knowing that she is there and seeing how helpless she is makes me realize that life is never always the same. That it is constantly changes.
I think the hardest part is there I am looking totally like a man and she is introducing me to the staff as her youngest daughter. What do I do? Do I correct her? Leave it alone? I choose to just leave it alone. She will never accept what and who I am now. Her mind would not comprehend it nor would she want to accept it. She never truly accepted that I was a lesbian, she would never accept this.
She is one of those church going people who believes that gays will all burn in hell. She would never present that to the outside world but behind close doors and to me she would express her feelings very openly.
I feel at peace with my Mother in that the steps of AA taught me about forgiveness and I have forgave and have made my amends to what I have done to her. I am free with that. I just now don't talk a lot of substance stuff with her. We just do the same thing in the nursing home as we did at home. We just talk about surface things and leave the heavy duty stuff alone.
So tonight I just check in with my writing and I just vow to write more.
I think the hardest part is there I am looking totally like a man and she is introducing me to the staff as her youngest daughter. What do I do? Do I correct her? Leave it alone? I choose to just leave it alone. She will never accept what and who I am now. Her mind would not comprehend it nor would she want to accept it. She never truly accepted that I was a lesbian, she would never accept this.
She is one of those church going people who believes that gays will all burn in hell. She would never present that to the outside world but behind close doors and to me she would express her feelings very openly.
I feel at peace with my Mother in that the steps of AA taught me about forgiveness and I have forgave and have made my amends to what I have done to her. I am free with that. I just now don't talk a lot of substance stuff with her. We just do the same thing in the nursing home as we did at home. We just talk about surface things and leave the heavy duty stuff alone.
So tonight I just check in with my writing and I just vow to write more.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
7 Years
Today is 7 years clean and sober. I can't believe that for 7 years now I have not had a drink or drug. Each year gets just a little bit better in the process of dealing with emotional living. I am a sober man today. Today I don't have everything I want but I have everything I need. I am so grateful.
I would have never been able to embrace the life I have embraced if it was not for being a member of AA. AA saved my life. AA created the person I am today. Who is that person? I am just a little more honest, a little more self assured as to who I am. If I just stay on that path things are bearable. Today I am so grateful for being the man I am. Sober, happy and free.
I would have never been able to embrace the life I have embraced if it was not for being a member of AA. AA saved my life. AA created the person I am today. Who is that person? I am just a little more honest, a little more self assured as to who I am. If I just stay on that path things are bearable. Today I am so grateful for being the man I am. Sober, happy and free.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Feeling Good
I realized yesterday that even though I don't make the money I want to make, that I am not in the space I want to be in. I am feeling good about where my life is right now and how I handle things.
9th step promises says I will not regret the pass nor wish to shut the door on it. I will be able to to handle things that use to baffle me. Is that so true. It does not promise that I am going to free of everything, just that I will be able to handle them with a new pair of glasses on. I sure do look at things differently now.
I am feeling more confident in who I am and even though I still have my bouts of anxiety they are less and and less intense.
What do I owe this all to? I owe it to being able to truly be who I am and being able to finally be free. I remember I would have moments about my dress before my transition. I was always afraid that people were going to make fun of me wearing men clothing. Actually men clothing was the only thing I felt comfortable in. It's a crazy thought but I was always thinking that people were saying things about my dress. Today I don't care what people think to a certain degree. It's not my business what people think of me. I know easier said than done, but its a motto I try to carry with me along my path.
9th step promises says I will not regret the pass nor wish to shut the door on it. I will be able to to handle things that use to baffle me. Is that so true. It does not promise that I am going to free of everything, just that I will be able to handle them with a new pair of glasses on. I sure do look at things differently now.
I am feeling more confident in who I am and even though I still have my bouts of anxiety they are less and and less intense.
What do I owe this all to? I owe it to being able to truly be who I am and being able to finally be free. I remember I would have moments about my dress before my transition. I was always afraid that people were going to make fun of me wearing men clothing. Actually men clothing was the only thing I felt comfortable in. It's a crazy thought but I was always thinking that people were saying things about my dress. Today I don't care what people think to a certain degree. It's not my business what people think of me. I know easier said than done, but its a motto I try to carry with me along my path.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)