Another Day

Just got back from a meeting. Sometimes I just feel God in those rooms more so than other times. Today I felt very serene and was able to truly relax in the meeting. Listening to people talk about unity. Before I got sober I did not know what is was truly like to be a part of something. I look back over my life and the one thing that I have done perfectly is stay sober. It amazes me that I have a hard time holding on any job lately for any long length of time, but I have held on to my sober life for almost 7 years now. What a miracle! I don't think about drinking or drugging. When life is kicking me in the ass I don't think about that default button of destroying myself.

Yesterday I had to go take a drug test for a potential job. What a relief that I did not have to worry about the results. I could walk into Labcorp with confidence knowing I had nothing to hide. It amazes me how much my life has changed. I recall a time I was due for a really great job about 8 years ago. They called and told me I had the job but I needed to take a drug test. Was told where to go and I never went to take the test. I knew I would fail it. Today I don't have that monkey on my back.

So today is just another day to be kind to people, to love myself just a little bit more and take care of myself. During my quiet times get in touch with my Higher Power and just be okay. Life is handing me some challenges but I am handling life by staying sober.

Just For Today

If AA has taught me anything it is just living in the moment. Something I have been able to do for the last two days. Man I have to admit for a few days I was really in my head. Fearing the worse about not having a main job. But I just continued to pray to a power greater than me that I chose to call God and well I just don't have that level of anxiety that I had. I handle things these last few days that I would have been over the top over because of everything else that was happening.
I would have been out there blasting people for no reason. You know the damn cool thing is when I can see the change in me. I am becoming a really decent guy!
Did making the transition do this for me? I will have to say feeling comfortable in my own skin makes a big difference.
So just for today I a okay.

2 Years

Two years are approaching that I made the decision about becoming a man. I can't believe that almost two years ago I realized what had been missing in my life. That I was not truly happy because of the things lacking in my life. What was lacking? I made that decision to transition. I remember coming out to my therapist about this first. That I just needed to say it out loud. It was such a freeing feeling. I felt the same way the day I walked into the rooms of AA and declared that I was an addict and I was powerless over my life. Today I am a free man. I am who I know I should have always been.

2 years of not being ashamed of who I am. Two years of being comfortable in my own skin. 

Although there are other aspects of my life that are not in order, one thing is for sure. I know who I am and what I want to continue to become. That is a good and decent African American man. 

The Struggle

So I have fucking lost yet another job. I just can't seem to find the right job that is stable and I can settle in and be okay with.
It's going to be rough meeting the bills but I just keep turning it over to God. My fears that it. I go through the moment of fear and I just stop say a little prayer and move on until the next wave of fear happens. This is all so different for me. Usually I am so wigged out I can't function. All up in my head and really freaking out. What is different this time? Could it be I am just learning how to take these tools of living and have been able to apply them to my every day living? Am I just so not emotionally attached since I have been on T that this is a different ride this time?
I know it sometimes feels like a struggle but what the hell can I do really? All I can do is apply for jobs, allow myself to feel the fear, move through it and keep on going. What is the worst thing that could happen? I become homeless? At least I would still have my life. I would still be sober and I would still try and be a decent person.
What this time of not having a job is teaching me is that I need to be humble, let go of the pride and ask for help.
I don't have to be in the struggle unless I want to. I can feel the pain and the fear and move on.
I want to go to that dark place where I want to look at the past and blame all my bad behavior back then on what life is like now. Leave that alone. Move on and get ready for the next ride.

What About God?

Lately I have been wondering if my life is always on alert because of God's approval of what I am doing. I know that it is said God makes no mistakes and I am altering God's creation. I don't know it is something I have been struggling with. Why is it that at 52 I just don't have it all taken care of? I should be looking at retiring instead of looking for yet another career. I know I just am feeling a little sorry for myself this evening. This current job will more than likely end Friday and here I am again trying to figure out what to do with my life.
It's Humpty Dumpty. All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put him back together again. I feel like sometimes I am just coming apart. Always strapped for the cash, struggling to be the man that I want to be. It's just a fucking struggle. When will the struggle end? I wait upon God's answer but it seems like it never comes. When I lost the other job I knew I had to take something before the unemployment runs out. It was a desperate move. Always in the desperate mode. When can I just set back and just be patience with looking for the right job that will finish out my career? I want to just enjoy life.
When will I be able to just enjoy what life is giving me?
Not a good evening. God please hear me. I know you are out there. I know that you will not let me fall, but God if you could just allow me take a deep breath and be okay.

Faith

Something that I am learning through this whole ordeal about this job is my faith in God or a power greater than myself.
I also have been a little hard on myself about my past again. Looking at the things I should have done back during my younger years. Finished school. Acquired some office skills or some sort of skills. I could go on and on about what I should have done but I know now that looking back will make no difference.
I was told once that the rear view mirror is the size that it is and the front window is the size that it is for a reason. We look at the smaller view from the rear view mirror and the whole picture from the front.
I need to be looking ahead and seeing what is in store for me in front of me.
Looking back just causes a whole lot of discomfort and discomfort is not where I want to be. Where I am today is trying to have a better walk with God.
I have been fasting from meat and sugar these last two days. The meat I have done okay with, I have slipped with the sugar with the hard candy I have in my candy dish. I need to pray that I can let that go. My prayers should not be for a job but for my relationship with God to get stronger and I have more faith in God.
When I pray I have a comfort level that I can't describe. It is like something washes over me and says its going to be okay. I don't think it will be easy but it will be okay.

Life On Life Terms

Okay so I have mentally been beating myself up a little the last few days. My job is in jeopardy and I feel like I just continue to go back to square one all the time. So is this a little pity party going on with me? My high school and college years I just did a lot of drinking and drugging. Never thought that it was important to gain a skill. I just thought it was all about getting drunk and where the next drug was going to be. Now at 52 I am paying for it. I have no real skills and no college degree. It gets hard trying to find and hold onto a good job. I lost 3 jobs in the last 3 years. Two were of no fault of my own and the other was the owner probably felt I needed to bring in more money. He didn't say that just that the company was moving in another direction. I just was not going down the path with them. This one I have now is a failure waiting to happen. Its a product that no body wants to buy. As I write this I see that a lot of this is no fault of my own. What is my responsibility behind this is my lack of skills to obtain a different job. I am the last of a dying breed of salesmen. The kind that builds relationships and then they buy. In today's world its about grabbing the money and go. I was not trained as a salesman that way. So here I go on belly aching about what I am not. The truth of the matter is that my past is kicking my ass right now. The one thing that I feel like I want to accomplish is finishing my novel. I can't even get focus enough to do that. I just want to sleep on the sofa all weekend and any chance I get after working. Am I depress? As I write this out I don't feel depressed. I just feel like I need a kick in the ass to send me on my direction as to where my life needs to be.
If I am lacking skills is there a way I can get them now? I am hoping that it will be. I pray that if this job folds and I can get some unemployment that I can get some skills while unemployed that I can become a skilled worker in another field.
So as I write I feel better. I feel like okay look at my life and change it These jobs that are fly by night needs to stop. I keep taking these out of desperation but its insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I was a little knocked down after not getting the State Farm job. It was something that would have been different. Out of sales and more customer service oriented. But God didn't see fit for me to have that. There is something else out there for me. Something big. I believe that and I just have to keep focusing on that and waiting and preparing. Is it my novel? I have to get quiet and see where God leads me to go.
Okay so this all might sound confusing and going from one extreme to another. But its just where I am for today. A little scattered, a little fearful, and a little on the pitty pot.
I heard once it was okay to be on the pitty pot every now and then, just remember to flush.

New Years

So its 2013. Another year. This has certainly been a year of change and my spiritual growth. I have learned to become teachable. I have embraced my emotional health and come out on the other side.
Today I can say that as I step into this new year I have much better off than I was last year. I don't have the financial freedom that I want, but I have such growth in my emotional and mental state. I owe a lot of it to working with Jen and I owe a lot of it as day after day I stay sober. In AA they say after 5 years of being sober one gets their marbles back. After 5 one learns how to play with them. I can say that for myself. I am learning to play well with others. That was one thing that Jen and I talked about a lot was learning how to play well with others. Even wanting to play with others period. That was something I never wanted or knew how to do.
Last night I went out to dinner and a movie and then dessert after the movie with a friend. It was such a relaxing evening. A evening that was filled with laughter and healthy living. I am all about living a healthy emotional life these days

I remember what New Years would be like before I got sober. Sick and hungover. Not sure what I did or what I had said the night before. Sad because I would be coming up on a year that had no hope or promise. I would just feel like it was just another year for the bad things to happen. I am so grateful I don't live that way anymore. I am grateful that today I have choices and chances. I have the choice to server a power greater than myself. I have a choice to love me just a little more and stay teachable. I have the choice to drink or not to drink. I have the choice to have a choice. As long as I continue to keep these choices I have a chance at a good day. Living it one day at a time.