Why Do They Stare

People who know me are beginning to stare at me like I am something from space. Could it be my own fear of what I feeling and people are not staring at all? I want to think that its not me.I want to think that these people in AA are not staring at me. I have changed a little more of a defined mustache. It makes me feel a little uneasy and sometimes I want to just shave it off and blend back into the woodwork.
I have moment when my GID comes out raging and I just feel like what the hell do I have to go through this? It would have been so simple if I was born a man. Am I crazy to be feeling like this? Am I crazy for doing this? I just wish sometimes it was a little easier.
Every time I go the doctor and see someone different I have to explain. Who I am and where I am headed in my life. Each time it goes well but its just the anxiety before hand. Guess that makes sense. I find that writing more about my feelings this week has helped. The most important thing I need to remind myself is to be completely honest about my fears I write on this blog for two reasons to be heard and to let the feelings out.

More Stuff

So I am at an AA meeting today and really started to feel so isolated from everyone in the room. It was not a feeling of being scared or really no emotion at all. Just realized that there was no one in the room like me. I mean there was one other black guy there but a trans guy. Maybe I need to stop thinking of myself as a trans guy and just look at myself as a man. But I have a hard time doing that sometimes. I know I am different and that there are not any black transmen in Charlottesville other than me.
It was the same when I was getting sober. I was the only black butch lesbian or just a lesbian. I was accepted by everyone but it is and was the truth is I was different. I try to keep my ego about that in check most of the times but really it can be lonely. I don't know how to feel hanging out with the women still or should I make relationships with the straight guys? Will they accept me knowing what I am. I have been very honest in AA as to my journey.
I have to really pray about this and talk this over with other older trans guys. Sometimes I really wish I lived somewhere else. A larger city where there are more people like me.
I realized that more today than ever. I find myself really wanting more contact with transmen.
For now I will just continue to be me.

Stuff

Preparing for next week when I go out of town for this job. Hoping that I don't have to reveal too much about my personal life. Really feeling like I don't care if I have to or not. I am who I am. 

This week a young trans girl has been reported missing from Charlottesville. It has effected me because this girl and I have crossed paths. She met me at the booth during Charlottesville's Pride. She talked at great lengths with me about her struggles and how all she wanted was to be on hormones to complete her life.

I pray that she is safely returned back to her family. I pray that where ever she is that she is okay.

I just went last week to the Transgender Day of Rememberance and I was so effected as the names of these young people were read. Killed because of who they wanted to be. 

I wonder in this town what people think of me? I so want to just be another face in the crowd. Not go into a usual eating place and be called a woman because that is what they remember.I just want to be another face in the crowd. Just your average guy making it through life. Is that too much to ask for?

I need to get back to writing more about my feelings and fears. Get them down on paper. Sometimes just writing this out helps. 

Sunday Morning

So I start this new job next week and once again I will have to go through the explanation about why the name change when they do their background check or maybe not.
I pray that God will allow me to keep this job and I can have some longevity with it.
There is so much I want to do and it all evolves around having money. Like having the surgery and being able to travel to Dallas in March. Finally meeting a group of transmen of all ages. What a wonderful feeling that will be to finally meet some of the men that I admire and would like to have as a mentor.

So this Sunday morning has been quiet and a morning of getting things done. As I am at my computer looking out the window I feel the warmth of the sun coming through the window pane. It is soothing, and comforting. It's almost the same feeling I had the day I announced to myself and to Jen about my questions about my gender. When it was out and I was able to speak those words I felt the sunlight of the spirit wash over me. It was as if I was reborn.

I have been praying a lot lately and have recently started a fasting once a week to get closer to God. It is really something now today I feel like I am looking forward to doing this. Just building a better relationship with God and getting stronger in my faith.
I guess I am just growing up. I never would have dreamed that I would be fasting and praying and praising God the way that I do now. I am at peace with myself, my family and with God. It is an amazing feeling to be at peace. To be able to match calamity with serenity. The promises throughout the Big Book are coming true for me. I am nowhere near where I want to be but thank God I have faith that I will get there.

Oh No I Am In Panic Mode

Out running errands last night and realized right in Walmart that I was in panic mode. I saw an old school mate and here I am with mustache growing and he is screaming my name Charlotte from across the store.
I had already ditched down an aisle from seeing one old friend. Now I was going to encounter this guy face to face. I have not had this feeling in a long time. This do I have to explain or what will they think. Hating that they are still referring to me as Charlotte and using the pronoun of she and her. Do I just blurt out and say hey you are wrong I am no longer Charlotte, or do I just let it go? This and where the rubber hits the road. I should not feel shame for who I am now. But people who I see once every few years what difference does it make?
I realized tonight in a meeting that I might have the same fear going to meetings. I don't talk as much as I use to since my transition. I want to think a lot of it has to do with just being calm and willing to listen. I don't want to think its because I am hiding. I am trying to not be in the light. People will look, people will wonder the new ones why some people are still referring to me as she.
I don't know tonight and last night I really was dealing with my GID. Guess some days are better than others.

Wreckage of My Past

I feel like since I have lost this job that the wreckage of my past is coming into play. I keep thinking about my decisions to drink instead of going to school. To drug instead of going into the military when I could have. To listen to negative responses from my Mother when I wanted to make decisions about going away to school. I I know there is no reason to look back but with what little formal training I have I see how I have kept myself down all these years. I feel the pinch of it now. I can do one of two things. Continue to stay in this misery or do something about my lack of training. I just have to keep praying that God is going to do the right thing for me. That I just can't keep suffering like this financially. There is a world out there for me to enjoy and live and I deserve that living. I pray that I continue to keep the faith that everything is going to be okay. That I will stop looking at my past. But the Big Book say I will not regret my past or shut the door on it. So I have to acknowledge it and move on. Know that God is putting me through this for a reason and stay strong. It will be okay.

Writers Block

Okay so I want to do some writing that I have neglected to do for the last several months. Well almost a year. I have writers block and just can't seem to get motivated to get moving on this. I have so much to say, so much to get out, but I just come to this crossroads. Can't seem to put it down on paper. What do I need to do? I will just keep praying and asking God to direct me to what he will have me to do with this matter.
I have decided that with this particular problem and the problem with no job at the moment that I am going to turn it all over to God. I have also been reading about fasting and how I can get closer to God that way. What I need to do is have faith. Faith without works is dead. I think that is where I am right now with my writing. I have little faith that what I need to put down on paper makes any difference. It will make a difference to me. I just need to start and I believe it will start flowing. Come out and I will be a better person for doing that. I need to have faith in me. Something that is a problem right now.

Still On The Path

I could write about fear all day long. I have fear that has been surfacing a little more since I lost the job last week. What am I going to do? Will the bills be paid? Will I have enough money to survive? So many questions and I have been searching for the answers. I realized that there are no answers. As John Lennon said there are only solutions to the problems. My solution is that I will be okay, I will make it, I will find another job. I will continue to go through these moments of fear these moments of panic. What I need to do is step back and know that God is in control. He will walk with me not ahead, not behind but with me.
I have to exercise this faith with all my strength. As the bible says the size of a mustard seed. I gotta keep the faith. I realized today its okay to have fear. It's more than likely a little normal to be feeling fearful. It's when I allow the fear to over take me that I know its a problem. I am so amazed at where I am in life. I feel like my feet are planted on solid ground. There are curves and bumps along the road but I am on the road and that is what is important. I am still on the path.

Changes

I realized how much life has changed for me since I have transition. I am no longer a part of the lesbian world. I am now a man and looked as a man. It just sort of hit me like a ton of bricks of living here in Charlottesville I have alienated myself again with a new label. There are very few FTM's here and I am feeling the loneliness today. I really need to decide if this is the place I am going to live out the rest of my years Maybe its time to move on to another place, Maybe God is telling me the changes that are happening need to happen in a new place. I sure am not getting anywhere in this time. Always one foot ahead and three steps backwards. Always struggling. When does this struggle stop for me? I am trying to keep the faith with these employment changes but I really need a break here I am feeling bits and pieces of fear but I keep trying to turn it over. Turning it over. Its what they tell me in AA. Turn it over. The weekend I had a little bit of fear when I would be alone. Fear that I am here in this time all alone. Here with no job, no social circle of the FTM's just alone. I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself but its true. I am like a fish out of water when it comes to my transition. More prayer and more faith That is where I need to be. Changes are going to happen. I have to accept that. Change will change my life. I just have to hang on.

In My Head

Been sort of in my head the last few days. I just can't seem to get the fucking break I need with this damn employment. Laid off again from yet another job. This time I really didn't see it coming. Last Wednesday morning I woke feeling a little scared, having that fear that this might be my last day with this company. I guess my gut feeling was right. Within two hours I was once again without a job. Living in slight financial fear again. Having to put on the song and dance routine for interviews. What is God trying to tell me? Am I suppose to do something else in my life? I need to get quiet and await for God's answer. I know he has one for me. I know I just need to wait this out and God will provide. I have this faith, I have the belief. But there is still that small amount of fear. Sometimes it's like I have these moments of oh shit! I have to catch my breath and remind myself that I have been here before and I will get through this. I have to get through this. Fear and bad moments don't last forever.
I have to be vigilant with what I need to do with my life moving forward. I just need to speak my fear about everything. Job, relationships, money life stuff.
The most important thing is to keep my sober life intact. By that I need to continue to work my steps, go to meetings and just live my life emotionally sober.
I have to keep the faith, have to know that God has my back.
I have been reading a lot about following my dream. My dream has been to be a published author. Could this be what I do with the free time that I am going to have. Continue to put my words down on paper? I know all this sounds so crazy. Here I am with no job and I want to be a starving artist! It makes me smile. But its my dream. I have a story to tell, I have words that need to speak out. Help someone and help myself. By putting the words down I have in my journey to my healing. I have come to a lot of healing moments but there are more. I love the thought that I will always continue to heal from one thing or the next. But I have so much time to catch up on my healing So much to speak about. So much to acknowledge that it was not my fault.
Do I love my life right now? I do. I just wish it was a little better. But it's okay it is what it is for the moment.