9 Months

So its been 9 months since I have been on T. A lot has changed in those 9 months. I have struggled financially and starting to pull myself back up slowly due to lost of jobs. I have mended a very good friendship and its stronger every day behind my becoming a good honest man. I feel more confident than ever with who and where I am. The motto for Black Transmen is Becomg The Change You Want The World  To See. That is where I am. I am changing and becoming that man. It has not been easy and my anxiety level surfaces from time to time. But the anxiety is no where near crippling like it use to be. Today my recovery program is strong, I am physically strong and mentally strong.
You know if I were to get into a relationship today, that person would be very lucky because of the secure, confident person I am evolving into.
I have so much to say about my growing up and where I am now. I have started writing a book but somehow I cannot put pen to paper to do. I have got to discipline myself to do better with that. As I need to discipline myself to do better with my daily blogging. I really need to get back to a daily journal here.
Life is good.

Long Time

It's been a long time since I have posted. Not sure I had a lot of words to say just living life one moment at a time. I did this 6 week workshop on Mindfulness Meditation. I have been incorporating that a lot in my life. Just being aware of everything I do and everything around me. I have gotten so comfortable being the man that I am becoming to be. I am accepted as a male at my new job. As a matter of fact the coworkers know nothing about my transition. It's has been so comfortable just being me.
I don't know about other transmen but there are moments when I am in the company of all men that I feel like they are going to figure me out. That I am going to do something that will give me away. I don't know what that something is, but I have just a twinge of anxiety about that.
I take a deep breath and try to get myself centered into being who I know I am suppose to be. An African American man just trying to make a living in this world.
As I look back over the last year I see how I have gotten stronger with every hurdle I have had to cross. I look at my spiritual level and how much it has increased. My faith is stronger than ever.
My next challenge is finishing my book. I have it in me, I just have to step out of the boat and continue the journey.

New Job

Been awhile since I have been here. Feeling a little anxiety this evening. Got offered a new job. Not the greatest of jobs for one reason is that they do not offer health care. I keep feeling like I just settle for jobs cause my back is up against the wall. So I let my anxiety fly for just a little while and now its time to bring myself back to reality. My unemployment runs out in 11 weeks. I have been unemployed since January. This is the first job offer. I need to accept this job. Do well on it and continue to move forward looking for my next opportunity. Who knows what it will be. I prayed for a job I got my answer. Just didn't tell God the specifics on what I wanted! :-)
So here comes the next part of this anxiety. I have had three interviews with these men. I have passed as a guy for all three interviews. Next week comes the test as I have to show ID and my ID still shows female. What do I do. Well I just suck it up and explain if I have to and move on.
I did not go through my transition thus far to be afraid. I am proud of who I am and I should not let this effect me in anyway. I just needed to get this out that I am having anxiety about it and what should I do.
I took it to my VA group of brothers on the Black Transmen site. Will get some of their experience, strength and hope on this.
The beauty of having a support system is one is never alone.

On My Own

Last night was the last night that I have to go to the Fan Free Clinic for injections. Yet another change in my life that is good. I am on my own with injecting myself. I feel yet another form of freedom.
My life is so serene today for many reasons. I have settled into my sober life, I have accepted being a transman. I am at peace with being alone. I love myself. I could just go on and on about what this peace and serenity means to me. I never thought I would be so at peace. One of the directors at the FFC last night joked and said when we see you again will you stop smiling so much! I have never been told that before. I always had this mad, serious, unhappy look on my face. Today I can feel my facial expressions are different. I am not saying that every day is a great day. There are some days I am filled with fear but it does not consume me any longer. I recognize it, accept it and move on.
Today I am grateful for the peace and serenity that fills my day. It has been all about acceptance of who I am.

Last Night In This House

So tonight is the last night in my home in North Garden. I am sad but its what has to happen. This was the home that my ex and I created and in a short time I found myself here alone. But so many things have happened with my life while being in this home. I arrived here a very confused butch or so I thought butch woman. It was here in the dark of night feeling so out of place that I discovered who I really am. That I am a man trapped in this body that is called a woman. That underneath this skin is the boy I always knew I was suppose to be.
Tonight I have one final time in this home. Reflecting and knowing that there is something out there greater for me. I just have to keep the faith and stay positive. God has my back.

Accepting Change

In AA we use the Serenity prayer a lot. I have been saying that prayer a lot these days. So many changes happening with me. Changes that I see physically and mentally because of the hormones. Changes that are happening with the move and with continued faith that I am going to be okay through all of this. Turning things over on a daily basics. I am see and feel the growth in me. I am becoming the man I also yearned to be. The one that I toyed with the idea at 16 what it would be like to be a boy. The one shoved aside for so many years. I am emerging to become someone I truly want to be around.
I still have my extreme lonely periods. Where do I fit in. No longer fit in with the women, never did really. Feel like I don't truly fit in with the guys. But I always was more comfortable around them. There is something different some sort of quietness to my soul. Is it a mixture of the acceptance of who I am? Could it be that I am just no longer depressed? That I am enjoying life even though I don't have anyone to share my joy with. Oh I have a few people that I could share this with, but I miss the intimate person. The person who will know all sides. That too will come in time. Or maybe not. I am not the one to for see what my future holds. That is where the Serenity Prayer comes in. To accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am gaining that wisdom to know the difference these days.

First Negative Response

So today I am doing some work and I had a cousin and his boyfriend (yes they are gay) helping me.
I thought it was as better time as any to tell them about my transition. My cousin just went on and on about why would I want to do this and he thought it was not something I needed to do.
His boyfriend was behind me 100%. He kept telling my cousin because it was what I wanted to do. He then went on to say they had been together 35 years and he had wanted to have a marriage ceremony but will have to wait until my cousins mother dies!
I said I was not waiting for anyone to die to be happy.
It really hit home because I thought of all people they would understand. I have to look at them and realize that they have their share of problems and ignorance about what I am doing. Should not let it effect me but just one more reason to know I might not have family and close friends to support me through this.