Changing

Every day I look in the mirror and I wonder when I will see that changes of the man I want to become. I realize though that the change needs to start from within. I need to step my game up and be more accepting of who I am. Sometimes I operate off the fear. Fear that this is not going to be what I need to do, fear that I am going to be alone, just plain fear. But I stop and I think about what I have heard in the rooms. Stop telling God how big my fears are and start telling my fears how big my God is. Just that plain and simple and a lot of times it slows my fears.
So last night I looked in the mirror and saw that I was getting more hair on my chin and starting a mustache. I went straight to fear. Fear that people are going to see part woman, part man and put me in a freak category. That fear came back. I am so thankful I have develop a group of transmen friends from Richmond and other areas to talk to about this stuff. I have like minded people who are and have gone through this.
Sometimes I think I need to just move so that I am in an area with more people like me. But I feel like I have more to do here before my journey in this area is over. Or am I just staying in a place that I am fearful of stepping out and doing something different.
Even through all the fears I am more content with my life today than I was a year ago.

Thoughts And Such....

Any day now I should have my name changed. Then the work begins of contacting places and changing my name. But changing my name does not make me the man I want to be. It will take a lot more than that. I stumble today in a world of in between. I have learned to live that way a lot. When I was struggling with being a lesbian, a butch woman I always felt I lived my life in between. Sort of what it is like in living in two worlds. One world has me as a woman, the other world had me as a butch woman. I didn't fit in either world. This is what it is like right now. I am shifting through two different worlds. 

Some days I feel like I am just floating between the the two worlds. It's okay because I am feeling more comfortable just floating. I am confident as to who I will become. It's almost like I am taking deep breaths and able to exhale. 

For so long I help my breath. Hold my breath afraid of what people would think of  me. Afraid that people would think less of me or that I would not be accepted. 

Today after making the decision to transition into the life I was suppose to be. I no longer have that fear of what people will think. I feel so much more comfort in my skin. Life is good. 

Childhood

It was not until talking with Michael this evening that I thought about the green army men. I remember playing in the Mimosa tree in the front yard. It had a hole in it that I would hide my army men in every night. Neatly tuck them away because they were my boy toys. Two had parachutes that I would climb in the tree and let them spiral down. Even at 6 and 7 years old I was that little boy trapped inside that body of a girl. Even then I was living a dual life. I was the little boy romping through the yard by the week. Weekend at church time I had to become the little awkward little girl. I didn't know how to stand or sit correctly in dresses. I felt like such a fake. I think back now and how unfair I had to live this life in this body. How I just wanted to be free to be who I always thought I was suppose to be.
I think maybe that why drugs and alcohol became so important in my life. I could escape into a a world. Today I don't have to do that escape. I am becoming more comfortable with who I am as a transman. Someday I have to introduce the two the little six year old boy and the 51 year old man.

Midnight

So it's after 12 and the house is quiet. The world has taken a little break from all the hustle. I am in a quiet mood. Tonight I want to be around people more than ever. I realized that I really don't know who to turn to without feeling like I am exposing myself. I feel like that lone wolf. That massive animal that stands on the top of the mountain and looks down for its prey. As much as the lone wolf is a hunter its very much alone. Operating through life without the pack. I feel like that. I am separated from the pack. Do I do this just because I don't want to get hurt? Have I had enough of this that I just don't want to try anymore? I am not sure which answer is the one that is correct. Maybe there are more than just two answers. Maybe I am am right about people. Expose myself and get hurt. Every time. What is the reason for trying? I am not into this keep jumping on the horse and ride mentality. I am get bucked off the horse once. Don't get back on that horse. Look for another one. Is that so wrong?
I miss conversations, I miss the closeness, I miss just the regular conversations. Where do I find these?

Who Am I?

During my quiet times. I have this question come to my mind. Who am I? Where am I suppose to be. After a few minutes of pondering. I realize I am just where I need to be. I am becoming comfortable with becoming a man. Every thing else can come in its own time. I try to look more male. I feel fake. I try to man it down and I feel like a fake. But when I just say fuck it and let it be. I am more comfortable.
I am more honest with who I am with people. I am not shouting from the roof tops that I am becoming a transman but I let people know who need to know.

I went to a local church function tonight. For a few moments I did the there is no one here like me routine. I finally relaxed and enjoyed the music. That old gospel music that I was brought up on. I always feel like in church that I am going to be called out. That they are going to try and convert me into being something I can't or won't be. Again its all in my head. Everyone is in church for their own reasons. I am not that important that they are there thinking about me.

Amazing what where my head goes. I can take those thoughts so far out in left field. I get so scared of being dimed out. But who is diming me out? Them or me?

Becoming a Man So Far

So here I am been on T since September 13. Almost two months. Am I changing? Some say I look different. Face is not as round. I know I am needing to use more hygiene products. But I have always used men's products. Nothing new with that. But I have had to crank it up because I have a different odor about me. Amazing how things are changing.
I am so fucking horny. I feel like I need a lot of sex. I have never had to get off like I am now. If I could I would just stay in bed and play with myself all day. I think about sex, I look at women and think so many fucking sexual thoughts. Just strange women at the grocery store. But what is frustrating is that I still look female. So what do I need to do to man it up? I think I might start with getting rid of the earrings.Changing them or something. Hell would fucking earrings make me a man?
I feel like I am stuck. I myself am not sure a lot of times what am I. I have such excitement on what I will be like, what I will look like. What kind of man will I be. I want to be this perfect man. But there is no perfect man. It's just a man striving to live in a perfect world but never obtaining that perfect status.
So for now I just have the hormones of a 17 year old boy and live the life of the road I have walked in 51 years.