Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the last session with Jen. I am having some mixed feelings about all of this. A little anger that she is moving and I feel like she is leaving me. Some sadness that she won't be a part of the next part of my journey. Jen has been riding shot gun with me for awhile now. So now it's time for her to jump out the car and I am allowing someone to ride in the car with me.

How will the ride be from here on out?

Jen saved my life when I could not even know where I needed to start to even live a good life. I didn't even have a clue as to what life was supposed to be like. So tonight I am going to pray for our last session will not be very emotional. That saying good bye is only a start to something new.

Being A Black Man

So I am watching this you tube video on Facebook about this brother who is trans and how he is being treated now as a male. That when he is walking down the street white people fear him. It struck me that this very thing could happen to me as I continue to transition. I mean I sort of kind of get it now but a little different. People before I got the binder could not figure me out from a distance. They looked at the chest first. Now they still look at the chest see barely nothing and then try to figure out. This is what I am right now having a hard time living with. This see saw gender living. Work I am Charlotte, to family I am Charlotte but to some I am Charley. I just will be glad when I can finally step over and just be me! The African American brother I am suppose to be.

You know this would all be so simple if I was just born a man. I can remember as a child dreaming of being a little black boy. I would climb up in the tree in the front yard. Armed with green army men, GI Joe and I would play for hours as the little boy I wanted to be. Amazing how many of my childhood memories are coming back now that I have taken this step. I keep thinking about that tree and how when it was cut down. I wonder if those green army men were still in their cave? Today I have some of those green army men on my book shelf. Some of them had parachutes and I would drop them from the tree. Those hours I spent playing alone must have been the happy moments of my childhood. I was all boy. I was just being me.

Today I can play with those green army men like a young boy if I want to. I don't have to feel ashamed or that I am being different. I won't be laughed at from classmates at school or made to play with Barbie dolls. Today if I want to play with green army men I can be who I want to be.

Being a black man. Will I be feared? How different will it be? Do I have fear of being a black man? Can I handle being a black man? So many questions circle around in my head about this. What will I be like? I want to have the gentle soul of my Father. His honesty and his character. Can I live up to be the man my Father was?

Tonight

A little disappointed in that the clinic called and cancelled at the last minute. Once I got over the first response of disappointment I realized that every thing cannot go my way. I have to learn to go with the flow of life. So amazing these days how I can recognize my feelings address them and move on. Wish I had learn this months or years ago. Things could have been different. Or are they coming to me at the time they are suppose to come? Talked to a good friend tonight who feels like he does not need AA. I listened. I never made a statement until the end. I just shared my own experience, strength and hope with him, My experience is that I have to go to a certain number of meetings. If I don't I start spinning out of control. I don't over dose on meetings like some but I have 3 or 4 that I go to a week. My strength from this is that I stay in control with a mixture of AA, the fellowship with a few certain people and my own self worth that I am helping someone else by being there. There might be someone that I can take just a minute of my time to give them something that they are missing or don't even have. My hope is that by going I am helping someone else who helps me stay away from the drink and the drug.

I have learned the hard way that I cannot put all my trust in AA. That there are other things that are going to help me have a balance life. AA, therapy, work, my home, taking care of me. Just to name a few. Tonight I listened to my friend struggle with issues of an ex, struggle with allowing sick people in AA rule his coming and goings. I take what I need and leave the rest. I am grateful that we are all not sick on the same day. That someone with 30 minutes of being sober and clean can help me just like someone with 30 years. We all are the same just a daily reprieve.

Fear

Last night I got sick at my stomach. Not sure what was going on and I had this cloud of fear surround me. What will happen when I have surgery and there is no on there in the night if I get sick? What happens if my body has a hard time with testosterone? Will someone be there to help me? This is the lonely fearful part of this in my mind. I was really in my head last night when I woke up sick. The mental sick side of me felt like a victim wanted to feel sorry for myself. But deep down God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. He quieted the disturbance in my head. I was able to awake this morning not feeling well but able to take care of a few things. Then take care of me. Sleep, eat good and rest, and pray. Those were the essential things that I need to do. I have the tools today to make my day good or bad. I took care of me.

Tonight I am preparing to meet with the Fan Free Clinic on Tuesday and take that next step towards becoming a man. They will talk to me about testosterone, an intake and I am officially on my road. 

How I wish Jen could be a part of this next step. I have to recognize that this is some of what is going on with my emotional self. This is going to be a tough emotional week and I just need to accept and move on. Relationships change and end and new ones begin.

A New Man

Today I have been thinking about how I will soon become a new man. I have a little fear about what I will be like. How I will react to things in life as a new man. My mind can sometimes go so far to the left that it is scary. I have been thinking that since I am becoming a man. I will be able to drink a beer from time to time or have a drink from time to time when I get home. I then come back to the reality that I am an alcoholic no many what changes my body will take. I guess I need to crank the meetings up a little more. Talk about it with this new therapist guy. Damn how I just don't want to star a new relationship with a therapist. Why can't Jen just stay? Well that is all just me wanting things my way. Her leaving is not about me. That is what I have to realize and keep reminding myself. This is not about me. It's about change and how I need to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot believe how my life has change since accepting my gender differences. How I feel more at ease, how I am just happy with what life has to offer. It amazes me how I handle situations and it baffles me! Am I in some dream world? Is life just this good for me right now? I mean I still have little money from month to month. I am in a job that is the least favorite job I have ever had. But I just keep moving through.

As a new man I want to be a gentle soul like my Daddy. Someone who just takes life as it comes.
Charley means "free man". I have to smile when I think that, say that. "Free Man". I am free.

Serenity and Peace

I am feeling something this evening not sure what it is. I am thinking I am just at peace in my life and serenity from time to time. I keep thinking about the 9th Step Promises. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace......We will suddenly realize that God is going for us what we could not do for ourselves. I love this and try to remind myself of this daily. My life is taking a new step, a new phrase of my development. I will become a different person. The person I have always was suppose to be.

Saying Goodbye

So one more hour with Jen and we say good bye. The last few months have been a tremendous growth experience for me. I don't know where I would be right now if I had not found Jen. We taught each other a lot. I know Jen has taught me to be secure in who I am. When I first came to Jen about my gender issues she went right into lets teach each other about this. She help educate me on who I was going to be. What to expect and where to go for help. She never stopped trying to learn as much as she could about the man I wanted to be. As sad as I am about Jen leaving I am so at peace with what she is leaving me. With how she taught me to play well with others.

I don't have anger about this just sadness that she will not be around to continue to watch the progress unfold. But I shall never forget her for what she brought to my life.

My New Journey To A New Life

I am in the process of changing my name. Amazing I am having a hard time changing my voice mail. What is that all about? I am so ready for this new life. So ready to move forward. Why is it so hard to change the voice mail?

It is almost like I know once I change it ...I am out in the open with this. This will be one of the next steps to my new journey to a new life. 

When I bought my binder it was like it was one of the welcoming pieces I have missed for so long. Why did it take 51 years for me to get to this? It was all in God's time. God was not ready for me to move through this until now. Succeeding through the stillness. I have learned to be still. I have learned that its okay today to feel lonely.

Today I feel really lonely. Really all by myself. I will just move through it with no drama. I tried to reach out to a few people everyone is busy. So I will just get productive with starting this new blog and putting down my thoughts. 

So tonight I will just read a little, pray a lot and rest my body, mind and spirit. I will be okay feeling a little lonely tonight.