Man Up

Today I felt a little disconnected from becoming a man. Not that I don't want to do this. I just am trying to figure out ways to pass off as a man more. Use to be that I was called sir all the time. Now its the opposite. What the hell is going on? What do I need to do to man it up some more? Not sure what I need to do to change things. It is a little disappointing that I am going through this and even strangers can see that I am still female. Bad enough I have to wait to go through surgery to have my gender changed. I am a man in mind, a man in my body and a man in my world. Why can't people see that? What do I have to do?
I don't want to come across as hardcore, that is just not my style. Is it the way I am dressing? The way I carry myself? So many fucking questions. So fucking frustrating.

End Of A Day

It's nearing the end of another day. I am grateful that I did not have the desire to take a drink or a drug today. That I was of service to someone else. I woke up this morning thanking my Higher Power for the start of the day. I will end my day by thanking my Higher Power for getting through this day. I feel more confident in things today and feel more at peace again. I like it when I can piece together several days of serenity. So for tonight I can look back and see that today has been a good day. Confident in the man that I am becoming.

Another Tuesday

Another Tuesday and I am taking action to do what I need to do. I am up to 100 push ups and 100 sit ups! I am determine to get rid of these last 60 pounds! Bulk up a little and feel good about myself.
I keep thinking what would like be like if I lived in a bigger city with more resources for my transition. Would I reach out for the help? I not one to ask for help up front. I keep trying to do it myself until I have exhausted all possibilities. I guess I have just done things myself all my life that asking for help is hard.
I wish I could hang out with people like me. Trans/Gay and trans friendly/African Americans. It gets hard just being here in Charlottesville. Most of the time I continue to feel like that lone wolf. Standing at the top of the mountain looking down. I guess at least I am on top instead of looking from the bottom up!
Today I am going to concentrate on looking for a job, writing and getting a meeting in. I feel so creative lately. Like I have so much to say that I really do need to put it down on paper. Let my feelings flow into words.
So it Tuesday and it will be a productive day!

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Choices

So I am here researching the internet for items that I need. I am looking at packers, stp's. Not sure which one to choose. The great thing about this is I have brothers from Black Transmen that I can turn to that will guide me into the right choices of the items I need to purchase. I had a wave of anger come over me that I have to do this. Why couldn't I have just been born a man? Why do I have to find shit that will make me a man instead of just having the proper tools. I know everyone goes through this and I need to express it but I guess I reacted because of the fear of the unknown. Not knowing what to get and how to use it all that shit.
I will learn and I will be willing to be taught. Just needed to vent.

Monday

Went to an interview this morning and think I did fairly well with the interview itself. Will just do the waiting game now to see if I get called back for a second interview. As I was there talking with the guy I felt so confident as to who I am and what I have to offer someone in the work place. As I walked in the cold misty rain on the downtown mall I never felt so connected with who I am. Even through my life on life terms obstacles I am moving through life at the pace my Higher Power wants me to move. The situations in life will always be there I just have to take the action to change what I can and leave the rest. I can truly say that for today my soul, spirit and mind are at rest. I just have to take it one day at a time.
I have been thinking about goals for the year and what things do I want to do just for me. I know I want to continue writing I know I have something to say. I know I might be able to help the next person my age come out to be who they truly are.
So its Monday and I have accomplished a few things and will continue to move through the rest of this day in peace and serenity.

Coming To Terms

I have struggled so these last few weeks about the next steps I need to take to become the man I want the world to see. Should I change my dress, should I remove earrings, shave or not to shave. I am learning that I can be any kind of man I choose to be. I no longer have to meet the standards of this planet to dictate how I should look. I am slowly becoming the man I want to be.
I now have women taking a second look and of course my paranoid mind wants to say its because they wonder. I now have a whole new struggle to deal with. Who do I date. Will straight women want to date someone who has not gone completely through the change over to a man? Are lesbians wanting to be with someone who is stepping over the fence to be a man? Am I attracted to gay men? So many questions about my sexuality. I put it on the back burner as life on life terms comes up. But I have to address this sooner or later. Am I a gay man, a straight man? What am I? Does it make a difference who I am as long as I am free and happy with myself?
So many questions but I have plenty of time to address that.

Life As A Black Man

So lately I have been wondering why I am getting these looks of fear from white women. I finally realized living here in Virginia and in the south that I am now one of the most feared creatures to the white society. I am a black man. I dress professionally, I speak and walk with confidence. I was getting paranoid and thought it was because they could not figure out who I am. It's what every black man has had to endure in the south all their lives. Fear. I have had women cross the street and keep looking back. No its not that they are attracted to me, its the look of fear and panic in their eyes.
So as I continue my journey as a black man I also can look at this from another genders prospective as well.

Been Awhile

It's been awhile since my last entry. Lot going on in my life but I just continue to try and have some faith that it will all work out. I feel like my hormonal changes are all good. I am gaining more confidence in myself, can speak up for me without getting angry. Could this be changes because of the T? Or am I just gaining confidence in myself because of who I am becoming? I feel so free these days even in the midst of all the changes I am doing. I might be isolating a little but I think its the down time that I needed. Here is a fear that I need to get out. As I am looking for a job, I have changed the resume to state Charley. When I am getting calls people are saying he and yes sir. What the fuck do I do when I get to the face to face interview? Have to check with the other guys in my group about that? These days I am up for getting suggestions on about any life changing thing I am doing. I guess AA taught me that. Amazing what I bring with me through being in recovery.
While I am home I try and stay productive and busy. Up to 100 push ups a day and 100 sit ups. Work out with a couple of guys online through video chat. I never realized what I comfortable feeling I had being able to see those two and talk to them. It was amazing. It was just like I was where I belong.
I need to be able to write more and get my feelings down on paper on screen whatever. This is my journey and I want to be able to record it somehow. Just for my own personal keepsake. Perhaps it could help another older guy like me new in transition.
So its been 4 months on T. It seemed like yesterday I was given the script and now its been 4 months. At 6 months I can start giving the injections myself! I think for me through everything that has happened and happening, I am still able to stand tall and be the man I need to be. It is amazing to see this.
I am feeling a down about the possibility of having to move and no real job. I still have everything I need to get me through. I am becoming the man I want the world to see.

Just Another Day....

Nothing special about this day. Just here chilling out and taking the action to move forward. I am feeling hopeful about so many things. The possibility of some dating, new career path and really wanting to settle down and do some service to my community. I also have a goal of losing a few more pounds of course everyone has that goal! I need to start doing more push ups to strengthen the upper body for top surgery some day. So many things in my life but I just have to keep reminding myself its a day at a time and each day is just another day.

Been listening to music again that is a good thing. Music enriches my soul. I had stopped listening to music last year because I was just in this bad space. When I did listen to music is was depressing music. Today I want to listen to the type of music that stirs my soul, that pumps me up to be ready to get through whatever task is ahead of me.

The last few days I have felt more in touch with my maleness than ever before. I am feeling so confident in me. Feeling like this is the right thing and I am on the right path. Last Tuesday when I fell found out about the job, I questioned everything. I just went to that dark place. It was okay though I didn't stay in the dark space. I recognized that I was there and I just kept on moving. What do I owe this to? God doing for me what I can't do for myself. I simply turned it over to that power greater than me.

At this moment, at this time. I am me, I am confident in what I believe in and I am ready to move through life and do what I need to do to make a difference.

New Year New Life

I have had a lot to reflect on these last few days about my life. The path in which it is going. How much control I have in it. I know that I let my Higher Power that I choose to call God take control of the wheel. But I also know that I have to step up and take the action. I can't just ride this journey for free!
So many changes last year. Some for the better all for the good is the way I am looking at it.
So right now I am in search of that next better job, in search of that next person to love and in search of the man I am becoming.
It's a new year with a new life. I am learning more and more every day to just remain teachable. Remain willing to listen, willing to step up and walk out on that water without fear.
I remember once being in so much fear that I was not going to ever love someone if I became trans. That I would forever remain alone. I have to take the action to get to know people and that is happening right now and it feels good to have someone interested in getting to know me for me. Take it slow boy is the motto I am chanting to myself. Don't let the ego get in the way. Just move slow, get to know and have some fun in the process.
I am approaching this new year with a new attitude. I am no longer that scared little boy hidden behind the shield of woman. I am no longer that lost child waiting to be save. I am a man moving towards my life in a direction that I have control, I have the wheel. I can choose who to bring along for the ride. I can change passengers whenever I want and even sometimes I can step out of the way and let someone else drive.
It's all my choice. This is a new year with a new life and I am in charge along with my Higher Power.