Fear of being outed

I had this fear of being outed at work. I kept that fear with me for a couple of days and then I just let it go. Figured if it happened it was going to happen. So I continued to do my little avoiding with the guy that I knew from my neighborhood.

On Thursday I was faced to see him on the sales floor. He said hello and called me sweetie. There were a few men around but I don't think any of the picked up on the sweetie comment. I quickly told him where my cubicle was and please stop by and see me. 

He stopped by the next day. As always fear is not as big as I think it would be. I told him about my transition. He smiled shook my hand and said you know I am cool with whatever you do.

March marks the 2 anniversary of me coming out to my therapist as to be wanting to become a man. I am amazed at how I am still changing in looks, attitude and action. 

Being Outed

So I started this new job. It pays very little money and pretty entry level for me. But its a job and I just suck up my pride and do the task that is put before me. I realized about a day into the job that someone that I have known for a long time works there. He does not know about my transition and I need to talk to him in private about it before he outs me as to who I am to co workers.
I had not had a chance to see him and he didn't even know I was working with the company. I saw his name on the directory and have heard him talk while I was sort of hidden in a cubicle. Yesterday he saw me and in front of a bunch of guys he said hey sweetie what are you doing here? I am not sure if anyone picked up on it and I quickly told him to stop by my cubicle and see me. He did not yesterday but I am praying that we can meet up soon.
I have come up with things in my mind as to what I need to do. If he does not stop by today, I will seek out his cell number and give him a call and talk to him then. If he leaks it out that I was once female, than so be it. I just live with it.
I had a day or so of fear when I first found out he was there, but I am living my life as I need and want to live it. It has no room for fear.

Job

So I started this new job today. No one knows about my past and I am referred to as a guy by everyone. Its the perfect world of where I want to be. It was so comfortable today until it was time to go to the bathroom.
I just chose not to go until I got home. Couple of things I can see that I will need to do is get a STP. I have been putting it off for some time. But its something I am going to have to get. I didn't sweat it. I am okay. I guess lately I have been sort of use to not using public restrooms.
It still frustrates me that I have to go through this. If only I was born male.But I deal with the hand that is given to me and I am really proud of the man I am becoming.

Speaking of this job. I am thinking that it is easier for a man to get a job than a woman. In the past when I lost jobs it took a long time to get one and it almost no one would call me back for an interview. This time I get tons of calls for interviews and I got a job less than a month unemployed. Maybe its the economy turning around. I want to think because I am male.
Either way I am grateful to be back working. This morning and last night I was feeling a little down about the job and how its yet another entry level position but I don't have to stay there for the rest of my career. I still know what I want to be doing and that is finishing up my novel and getting it out for people to read.
I have something to say and I feel that it will help others who are walking this path.

I have to discipline myself to write every day. So my plan is to get up early in the mornings and write before going to work. Wish me luck on that!!

Not A Part Of

I have been in AA now almost 7 years. I use to be connected to people, go out and do things. Then I went into hiding after the breakup and concentrated on therapy. I went to very few meetings but was getting better emotionally because of the hard work in therapy.
After taking a break from therapy I knew I needed to crank my meeting schedule back up. Which I have. What I have found out is that since my transition I don't fit into any group socially anymore. Okay is that my feeling about that? Let's take a look. I don't feel comfortable hanging around the women anymore and I don't feel comfortable hanging with the guys. I just sort of go to the meeting get my hours worth of recovery and move on. The fellowship is not there for me. Is that a problem? It's something that I need to ask myself.

Yesterday was Superbowl. I was hoping that I would get invited to go somewhere but I did not. What really hurt was I found out one of my friends was having a Super Bowl party and I was not invited. Now I have no control over who he invites to his own home but I did have him over twice to mine when I had Superbowl parties. I thought we were good enough friends that it would have happened. Did he just have guys and felt I was not one of the guys?
I was hurt when I found out he was having this party. It was just another stake in my heart that I feel like I am not a part of any group socially right now. I wish there were more trans guys locally here. But it is what it is right now with where I am.
What do I do to become accepted with men? It's tough because living here most of my life men already know that I was once female. It's really funny the men accepted me more when I was a butch lesbian than they do know that I am a transman.
Once again is this my perspective?

It has gotten so bad that I don't even share in meetings a lot anymore because I am afraid someone is goong to use the wrong pronoun with me and that people who didn't know me before are going to be confused. Not even sure that makes sense to anyone but me. But today is a day of getting this shit out.
So here I am afraid to raise my hand to say I will sponsor because who do I sponsor? Men? Women?
What group am  I really a part of?

The Struggle Without Fear

The 9th step promises tell me that one day I will live with little or no fear. I have struggled these past few weeks with fear of economic insecurity. But somewhere along the line with a lot of prayer to a power greater than myself I have lessen that fear. It does not consume me like it almost did a few weeks ago.
I am still without a job, still have little money but I am content. How did that happen? I feel like I am just walking along this path the scenery has not changed but my attitude has.
I am more fit spiritually, I feel it. I have more confidence that every thing is going to be okay.
Today I am going to try and get back to writing my novel. It is something that has been blocking me for some time. The only way to overcome is to start writing again. I have so much to say, so much to get down but a lot of times my fingers just can't hit the keyboard. I am ready to do every thing else but settle down and do the task.
I wonder sometimes if there might be a little depression going on. I don't know. I know its not a deep depression if it is. Then I think who wouldn't be a little depressed? I have no job, no money coming in at the moment, some bills are due and I am just sometimes on the sofa staring out into space.
I have to remind myself that I have to struggle without the fear. But what about the struggle without the struggle? Does that make sense? I have to stop the do nothing attitude and do something productive every day. Its my promise today to myself. Do something. I can start by writing a blog every day. How about that?