Connecting

Hooked up with some brothers last night and had dinner. They were all transmen. I felt so connected, so myself for the first time in my life. It was my first time being with African American transmen. I can't even describe how comfortable I felt and how I felt like I had finally arrived.
Earlier this week I was invited to dinner with a bunch of women. Other obligations lead me not to go. But I was also thinking that what I and my female friends need to realize is that no longer am I one of the girls. If I am coming along for the ride it will be as a male. More and more every day I am accepting my maleness. I am getting comfortable with becoming a male. Not sure what lead up to this or if it's just a step I was heading in and finally have gotten there. I am feeling much more a free man these days!

Manning Up

So I have now been on T for 5 months. I see changes that are beginning to take place and its all good. I need to now become a man full time. Not that I was not trying before, but I need to change the look so that its not any confusion with people that I am a man. Michael ( my therapist) and I talked about this on Friday. His suggestion was a good one about the earrings. Funny that its is taking me this long of a time to remove the earrings. Such a small feat to do but so fucking challenging. It's like another step to killing off Charlotte. As much as I want this there is a part of me that misses Charlotte. Even though I could not see a thing that would be female with Charlotte, I still miss that softness. I still grieve that killing off of Charlotte. Charlotte went through so much and remained strong. Charley is walking through his own shit too, but Charlotte was the survivor. So this week I will man it up a little more. Make my appearance just a little more masculine. I have to cause I believe in me. I trust where Charley is going to take me. Being Charley is going to be strong, loving and kind. Just like my Father. Charley will be the man that people look up to. Charley will be balanced and stable, a sober and clean black man that walks with respect.
I can't wait for the world to see the real Charley.

Life On Life Terms

It's been awhile since I have blogged. Call it lazy but really I just didn't know what to say. Life has been kicking my ass and I have just been taking the punches and keep getting up moving through the shit.
I still don't know where I am going to live by April. I just have faith that things are going to work out.
I really want all of this over. The move, getting out of this house, finding another job. All of it to just be done.
I want to get back to adjusting my life as trying to live as a man. I want to save money to have my top surgery and face life as life is handed to me. Maybe that is too much. Am I trying to play God? I have thought so many times about me in my transition. Am I playing God? I don't know. I know that I feel a fake in this body trying to pull if off as a woman. I know I am tired of being a woman wearing men's clothes. I want to fit the part I am presenting to the world.
Damn I knew this would not be easy but this shit is hard.

New Day

Amazing what a little sleep and some hope can do for the soul. This morning I woke up without the pitty party going on. Had a hell of a headache but it is now better. Amazing what stress can do to the body. My life is so uncertain right now. Not sure where I will be living in a few months, what the job situation will look like. But at least I know who I am. I have accepted my life becoming a man and I am clean and sober. Life is not all that bad. It's a new day and I just need to walk through each day 24 hours at a time.

Hard Day

Today has been a very stressful day but I have gotten through it. I realized just how much I miss not having a partner to help me with these types of things in life. As much as I think I can do things myself and don't get me wrong friends are good. I just wish I had someone to hold me and tell me its going to be alright. Of course I go straight to that fear that there will never be anyone in my life like that again. I quickly move that notion out of my mind. I don't know just for tonight I wish this house was not so quiet and no so lonely.
There I said it. The lonely word. I try to be strong and want others to think shit I am okay, I don't need anybody. The truth is I really do need someone in my life. But for tonight I will just take care of me and trust that on the hard days one day in the future I will not have to go through this alone.