My Mother

My mother died yesterday. I don't know if I have the words to describe how this pain feels. Even though she was 97 years old its a shock. I really thought after she got sick this last time she would be with us just a little bit longer. She died peacefully in her sleep at her home in the early morning hours. She leaves a generation of people that will leave on. We are better people because of her. I watched my Mother work long and hard hours to provide for her family. She always wanted the best for us and provided as best as she could.
I also watched my Mother become a wonderful Grandmother and eventually a Great Grandmother. Although we never spoke about my transition I felt that as her health began to fail that it was not important. It was not about me it was about allowing my Mother to live out her last years. Making her comfortable and providing for her as best as we could.

Next week we will say our final good byes. She is at peace now. I just have to live the life my Mother would have wanted with grace and dignity.

Lost Of A Cousin

Yesterday I lost a cousin that growing up we were always together. He rode with me every day to High School. We were always out and about and being the life of the party. We did a lot of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol together. He never stopped. I got sober and he continued drinking. When I saw him Christmas day he looked really bad. Should I have said something to him? He was not drunk Christmas morning. Always came to see us on Christmas morning. Was always happy to see us.
He is yet another black male in our family that dies at a young age. Besides my Father and his two brothers all the other males in our family never make it to retirement age. They die from drinking. This is the same thing with my cousin. His liver just said no more. His body said I can't take this. It could have been me. But I chose to get sober and clean and stay that way. I chose not to be one of those numbers in my family. Have I broken the chain or did I just step out of the circle?

January 2014

So its a new year. Every starts out with these new years resolutions. I am going to say I am setting some new goals. I start  a new job in a few days and will be back in sales. I realized that sales is really what I know in life and its a passion I have. A friend told me to find what I am passionate about and make it a job. So goal number one is to do the best I can at this new job. Be aggressive and honest about my work. Be appreciative that I have a job.
Goal two okay we all hear it. Lose weight. I need to get on a healthy eating kick and stick to it.
Goal three live life. I am going to enjoy my life more. Get out and do things that I have never done. Have more fun in life. Be more proactive with my work with Black Transmen.
Goal four write more! Write more here in my blog and also with my novel. I can say I want to write a novel but if I don't continue writing it will never become a novel. I have just had writers block for the last two months. I need to see why I am not interested in getting back on this.
So my last goal is to save money. Okay so these goals are not too hard and they are within reach. I need to speak these out to a friend so that I can be held accountable.