Today is 7 years clean and sober. I can't believe that for 7 years now I have not had a drink or drug. Each year gets just a little bit better in the process of dealing with emotional living. I am a sober man today. Today I don't have everything I want but I have everything I need. I am so grateful.
I would have never been able to embrace the life I have embraced if it was not for being a member of AA. AA saved my life. AA created the person I am today. Who is that person? I am just a little more honest, a little more self assured as to who I am. If I just stay on that path things are bearable. Today I am so grateful for being the man I am. Sober, happy and free.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Feeling Good
I realized yesterday that even though I don't make the money I want to make, that I am not in the space I want to be in. I am feeling good about where my life is right now and how I handle things.
9th step promises says I will not regret the pass nor wish to shut the door on it. I will be able to to handle things that use to baffle me. Is that so true. It does not promise that I am going to free of everything, just that I will be able to handle them with a new pair of glasses on. I sure do look at things differently now.
I am feeling more confident in who I am and even though I still have my bouts of anxiety they are less and and less intense.
What do I owe this all to? I owe it to being able to truly be who I am and being able to finally be free. I remember I would have moments about my dress before my transition. I was always afraid that people were going to make fun of me wearing men clothing. Actually men clothing was the only thing I felt comfortable in. It's a crazy thought but I was always thinking that people were saying things about my dress. Today I don't care what people think to a certain degree. It's not my business what people think of me. I know easier said than done, but its a motto I try to carry with me along my path.
9th step promises says I will not regret the pass nor wish to shut the door on it. I will be able to to handle things that use to baffle me. Is that so true. It does not promise that I am going to free of everything, just that I will be able to handle them with a new pair of glasses on. I sure do look at things differently now.
I am feeling more confident in who I am and even though I still have my bouts of anxiety they are less and and less intense.
What do I owe this all to? I owe it to being able to truly be who I am and being able to finally be free. I remember I would have moments about my dress before my transition. I was always afraid that people were going to make fun of me wearing men clothing. Actually men clothing was the only thing I felt comfortable in. It's a crazy thought but I was always thinking that people were saying things about my dress. Today I don't care what people think to a certain degree. It's not my business what people think of me. I know easier said than done, but its a motto I try to carry with me along my path.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Family Gathering
Had my first family gathering at a funeral yesterday. I was a little nervous as I drove out to the church. How will I approach people? Will they see me as different. Some people who know I felt looked at me a little different. Could that have been my perception?
As I was getting dressed I just realized that no longer did I have to feel guilty for putting on men clothing. I could wear what I wanted without fear of people thinking differently. Then I realized that I didnt have to worry again what people thought of me. I felt a sense of comfort. The first time in my life I could be who I truly wanted to be.
I survived the event yesterday and never once worried about what people think. They still called me by my female name at times that was okay too. These are not people I deal with every day.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Next Step
I am preparing for my next step in my transition. I need to buy a STP. I find that I am having a lot of anxiety going to the men's bathroom. I have to use the stall because I don't have a STP. I am afraid someone will come in and hear or see me sitting down to pee. I know they say that most men go into the bathroom do what they need and out of there. But what if I get caught? Why do I feel its about a getting caught thing? I have found myself holding it until I get home and I should not have to do that. With a STP I could still use the stall but also could stand to pee. So the next step if picking and buying a STP. Teaching myself how to use it and throwing that anxiety out the window.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Anniversary Month
Pretty soon I will celebrate 7 years of being clean and sober. As I look back over my past year I am amazed at the things God has granted me. My transition is going okay. I finally have a job that I am doing good in and not micromanaged. My sober life is good. I really don't have anything to complain about. On May 22 I will have 7 years clean and sober and the 5 days later will be my birthday. I am so grateful I came into the rooms of AA before my birthday. I would have had the possibility of not making it at the rate I was going. I was mixing pills and drinking more than I had ever before. I was feeling lost and all alone. Thank God he lead me to where he did. I am so grateful for my life right now. I still don't have a lot of money, I hold my breath that nothing major happens but financially but all in all I am please. This month I am so grateful for where I am compared to 7 years ago.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Sometimes....
Sometimes I forget about my gender change and I wonder why someone is calling me a guy. A wave of embarrassment hits me and I am like I am going to be discovered. When I am around men I wonder if I am man enough.
I was at work and was about to get up from my cubicle and grab a cup of coffee. I saw someone who knows me and I went back into my cubicle. I know this woman was going to call me my other name and refer to me as female. I waited until she was gone. It's a fear that I can't describe when I think I am going to be outed at work.
Some times I wish I had moved first before making my transition. Sometimes I get angry because I just wish I was a man and none of this would have to a worry. No binders, no trying to save money for surgery. Life would be so much better at times.
I was at work and was about to get up from my cubicle and grab a cup of coffee. I saw someone who knows me and I went back into my cubicle. I know this woman was going to call me my other name and refer to me as female. I waited until she was gone. It's a fear that I can't describe when I think I am going to be outed at work.
Some times I wish I had moved first before making my transition. Sometimes I get angry because I just wish I was a man and none of this would have to a worry. No binders, no trying to save money for surgery. Life would be so much better at times.
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