Family Gatherings

So today I gather with my family. The pronouns will be different. I will not be looked at as Charley but as Charlotte. Will I correct them or just let it slide? These are the questions that float constantly in my mind with friends and family. Amazing though my AA community accepts my changes and respects my wishes. Why is it that family does not? Could it be that I need to instill it more to them? I don't know I just wish I was born a male. That way none of this would have to happen. I wouldn't have the fear in the gut feeling every time I fill out an application or go on a job interview. I would not have to feel like I am a trader. Most important I would not have to feel like I am doing something wrong.
It's a struggle with the transition. More so than just coming out as gay or lesbian.
I have some struggle every day about who I am. Will this get easier? Would it be better if I moved? I can't predict the future just have to learn to live in the today. For today I am grateful to have a family to go to. That later this evening I will be spending time with a good friend and her family. All is good. I am not going to let pronouns and a name to change my course today.

The Gathering

Little things make such a difference to me at this time in my life. I will be gathering with the family on Thursday and it will be the first time I am sporting a mustache. I feel a little awkward about it. Even considered shaving it off. But I finally realized that if I am going to truly be a trans man I need to not be afraid. Being afraid of what people would think of me has been the driving force of my life. I have to let go of that fear and just keep moving in the direction I want my life to be in. I have to become the man I want to be without any reservations.
For years I lived my life in the shadows. Afraid to express who I am and who I wanted to love for fear of what people would think. Today I am proud of who I am. I am a decent, loving black man of trans experience. I am someone who loves their life, loves deeply friends I have in my life and I am proud to be a black man.
Today I will express who I am in whatever way I want to. I will be loving, kind and grateful for the life God has given me. Knowing that God is by my side.
I am proud and I am a black transman.

Feeling Grateful

You know at the moment I am unemployed. Money is really tight. But I still have a lot to be grateful for. Grateful that I don't find it necessary to take a drink or a drug today after 7 1/2 years. That its not my automatic go to like it use to be. That drama and ego inflation is not a part of my life today. Today I try to remain humble and know that its not about me.
Tonight I am going to pray for this job and know that it's okay to ask God to send it to me. Tonight before I go to bed I would have did the best I could at living as a decent human being just for today. Tonight I okay.

Changes

As I see more and more changes with my body. The more I feel like hiding. I have been growing a mustache and I feel so open and raw about it. There are times I want to just shave it off so that people don't think I am so sort of freak who does not know about my transition Why should I care? I am living my life being who I am comfortable being. These are the things that I carry around with me. I need to talk to someone about them. Express my fears and my feelings. I wish I lived in a town where no one knows me. Where I am just another person. Is this normal? Why should I care what people think? I am who I am.
Tonight I was in the grocery store. Saw someone I knew from many years ago. I went down the next aisle to keep from speaking to her. I felt so raw, so ashamed of who I am. Am I being a fake? Is this normal for where I am in my transition?
I am comfortable being a man, but uncomfortable being a man in front of people who know me. I worry they are going to think I am some sort of freak, sick. Just the way I was treated when I was a little girl trying to fit in. Being laughed at and bullied by friends. I was always treated like a freak. I was even called one. So when I see someone that has some sort of idea of what I am doing, I feel that rawness. The same rawness I felt as a child at the big tree near the merry go round.
Am I that child again?

Been Awhile

So its been awhile since I posted on the page. Life has had its series of ups and down. Another job lost. Which means another having to explain myself when they do background checks. I want to just settle down with a stable job and have a good life of work and pleasure. Is that too much to ask for? I have been dealing with writers block and have not been able to write a lot. No writing in my journal,, no writing on my novel. I really wish I could get past this block and get back to writing. I remember when I was drinking and doing drugs it was then I could put my thoughts and feelings down on paper. Now that I am sober I have such a difficult time putting thoughts, feelings down on paper. I need to get past this procrastination and get busy.
I have so much to write about, so much in my head and in my heart but I can't seem to put it down on paper.
I need to do small writing exercises like this one. Try to put thoughts and feelings down every day.

Here I am

So here I am with no job, money running low and I have writers block. Can't seem to get motivated enough to continue writing. I have about another 100 pages to go and I think I would be finished. Why is it that I cant buckle down and write. There is so much in my head that needs to go on paper. So much of my past that I need to write about. I have to pray that I am going to start moving in the direction of writing and soon. I have so many excuses. So much idle time on my hands. I think I am a lot more depress about this job situation than I am letting on.
I am so grateful for the meds I am on that will not allow me to get any further depress than I already am.
It helps that I have someone to talk to. My good friend. She supports me in every endeavor I am doing.
Pretty much my day is filled with minor things to do around the house. I basically sit and stare at the computer screen for hours. What am I to do?