It's All About Faith

As I approach a new year I look back at the peaks and valley's and see that I would have never made it to where I am today without faith that God was and still is getting me through all of this. I see that everyday I have more faith than I did the day before. Each day I strive for something a little different. Some days I fall short of the mark. Some mornings I forget to pray but as the Big Book says go back to it in due time. As this new year of 2013 approaches I want to be able to continue to be the free man that I have become these last few months. I want to be able to continue to be proud of who I am and what I am becoming. I want to become the change I want the world to see. I have many goals I want to set but I want to take them in a realistic manner. Not set goals too big and not accomplish them and be disappointed. I want to take on my goals with truth and energy.
I want to be a man of God, a friend among friends. A worker among workers. I want to finally be happy in this world. I have come this far and I will continue.
Tonight I have a little fear about my job. What will it bring me. Where will I be with my employment status. I turn it all over to God. I say a prayer thanking God for seeing me through. Asking God to enlarge my area and move on. Trusting that God will take care of this. It all about faith.

Saturday Morning

It is something about Saturday mornings that I love to sleep in later and wake up and hear the silence. Feel at peace. I never felt this kind of peace before until I accepted who I am. Today my serenity and peace are one. I have been thinking back to the day I knew I needed to take the steps to become a the man I was always suppose to be I knew within in my heart a long time ago that I was different.
AA was always telling me that I am not unique. But I knew deep down something was different with me. That I was hiding something deep inside. I thought it might have been about the abuse. But I have worked on that. I have come to accept what has happened. I am even at a level of forgiveness about that. What I have learned in my recovery is that I have to forgive in order to stay healthy. I have to be at peace about those things that shake my emotions. Always accepting that its Gods will not mine.
So this morning I wake up thinking about the steps I took in order to accept my transition. The steps I took to start my transition and the steps I am still taking in living my transition.
I am at peace. I use to worry about what friends and family were going to think but I no longer have that deep rooted fear. What I do have is a feeling of peace and that I feel is what living is all about.

Peace

I find that every day I get more at peace about everything that is happening in my life. In AA we have the 9 step promises. It tells us that we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. That we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and know peace. I am feeling that way right now. I have some fears but I just keep having the faith that God is going to see me through all of this. I have faith that I will be okay.
It's the same faith I had when I crossed over to the other side with my transition. It's the faith I had when I step out every day as Charley the man. Not worried about what people think or feel about me.
I have faith that every thing is going to be okay in my life. I know I have God on my side.

Christmas Eve

So its Christmas Eve. I am working today nothing special about today. But it seems to me to have a special feeling in the air. I feel for the first time during the holidays very free. I am who I am these days and I have learn to accept so many things in my life. This is the time of year that people reflect back on who they are, what they have done etc. I too find myself doing that. I find myself wanting to be in a better place then where I am now. I stop myself because that is such self centered behavior to feel like this. It's not about where I want to be but where I am at the moment and accepting that.
I have learned so much in the last few years. The last few days I find myself thinking about Jen a lot and how broken I was when I came to her. How through trust and faith I left her a much better person. Someone who was growing whole. Someone who was willing to be teachable again. I thank God for that time with her and that time I had with God. How God has kept me through every situation I have encountered.

I realized that I don't write as much as I would like. I feel like I have a story in my heart and soul. But how can I express that to others if I am not taking the action to get it done? I have to make a pact with myself that I need to write at least 90 minutes out of every day. If I miss I need to make up for that time.
Can I do this? Yes I can do this. Its call discipline. Something that many times I lack
I have to get my story out there, I have to be heard.

Change In My Life

I feel like I am on the verge of having some big changes happen in my life. I have realized one thing. I am burned out in the career of sales. The fear I have is that its all I know. But there has to be more that I can do with my life. I try and look at what makes me happy. I am basically very happy with my life. Very happy with my transition, happy with my living situation. I am not happy with my finances and how I would like to be making more money.
This job I have now was once again one of those I have to take it or else I starve jobs. I was up against the wall. I know they say its a lot easier to find a job with a job and that is exactly what I am going to do. Continue looking. Praying that Gods will is that I get a job that I am content with and feel like I am making a difference.

I never dreamed that my life would be so easy as it is right now. It has it ups and downs but I am so content with where I am. I never thought I would be content single. That I always needed to have someone in my life. That I would have to be in love or in lust with someone. Right now I am okay with me just being with me. I am loving me more every day. As I look back I see how miserable I was with my self. I could never had said I like me, I am okay with where I am, that life is pretty good. What made the change? I think a lot of it has to do with the great therapy I got for about two years. I think some of it has to do with the meds that I take and finally I think there is just a mixture of my life sober having a more concrete feel to it.

Last week I went to the training for this job in North Carolina. I had lots of time to think and pray and it was good. I also watched people drink. I realized that it could have been me. It could have been me headed to the bar before heading to dinner. It could have been me the next day smelling like stale alcohol. But it was not. I was fresh and ready to tackle the day. I had this small lingering fear that I would not be able to retain information by studying. It was hard but I was able to do it with very little problems.
I felt like it had been so long since I did the classroom thing that it was going to be difficult. As I had to study hard I made it
Once thing I realized that I just did not give myself credit is that I can do!

Passing

I have this new job and have been in North Carolina all week. It has been such a relief to be able to pass as male with no questions. Everyone knows me as a man and I am accepted in the men group just like one of the guys.
It is amazing what men will talk about. I have had the chance to hang out with them in the bar and get to know some of them. They talk about their wives and girlfriends and yes even freely talk about sex and its just a free flow of conversation. Of course it also gets a little more informative as they continue to drink and get a little more free with their conversation.
I found myself at times a little nervous that I might not be able to say the right thing or just do something that would dime me out.
What I realized was that I just needed to be myself and everything would be okay.