Grateful Monday

So many things I am grateful for today. I just think that life is going okay now. I am grateful to have a job, a place to live, good friend to turn to when I need it. I am so grateful for Black Transmen Inc. They are opening doors for me I would have never step through. I am excited that I am going to run a Black Transmen booth at the Cville Pride fest. In the past I would have never even attended this let alone work a booth!
My self confidence is getting higher. I am much more comfortable with who I am.
I still have my struggle about my transition from time to time. I still struggle sometimes if this is the right thing to do. Will anyone ever love me and I love them again? Is this what God wants from me? Just questions that I am sure sometimes goes through the minds of almost anyone going through this.
I will have to ask some more of the trans guys if this ever crosses their minds. I know its less than it use to be. In the beginning I would get fearful and then those thoughts would come to mind.
Today they are less. But I still have them. I think of it like when I was getting sober and would second guess if this the the thing I want to do. Was I really an addict. The truth is my life got so much better after using that I don't want to go back out and try it and see. I just could not think of what my life would be like if it was like it was when I first came to AA.
I am grateful today just to be grateful. I still need to work on developing some stronger friendships with some trans guys. But I am reaching out more and helping some younger guys. Keeping check on them see how they are doing. Just putting myself out there more. It feels good to think about someone else. To be of service to someone other than myself. It gets me out of my head so.
Today I am so grateful

Sunday Morning

It's been awhile since I posted anything. I have got to get better at my writing. I am feeling really good about my transition. I am comfortable where I am and even more comfortable with my manhood. I wonder a lot where my path would be right now if I was born a male. Would I have been a substance abuser and drinker? Would I be married now with the kids and the house. What would my profession be? Making this change late in life is almost like a rebirth. I am starting for the first time. I feel the need to become a new person all over again.
I had this dream the other night that I was total male and I was having a drink at the bar with this woman. It was so real. I woke up thinking that was my glimpse into the world of what I would have been like if I was born male. I might have been able to drink. But this it the real life and I cannot drink I am a recovering alcoholic and in this life I cannot and will not drink.
In AA they call that a drinking dream. Have never had one in my 6 years of being sober. I have heard people talk about them but I had never had one. It tricky because I woke up thinking man was that a dream or did that happen? Thank God it was a dream!

So here I am on the Sunday morning enjoying the quietness and getting ready to start my day. Something about Sunday mornings it's quiet and serene. I yearn for those serene moments. I love just being with me in the quiet. My soul is at rest.

I promise to write more to become better discipline with writing in my blog as well as my personal writings that I have started.