My Father

Today is the 7 year anniversary of my Fathers death. I remember it well. Being there by his side. How I wish I was clean, sober and healthy. I always think of these last 6 years of being clean and sober that the one person who would have seen my difference was my Father. No words would have ever needed to be spoken. He would have just understood and flash that smile. He would have had peace knowing that I had peace in my heart. Today I am moved by the mannerisms that I have like him. My actions and my words. I am often reminded of the things he said or did just by thinking about him.
Today I miss my Father and today I am proud to be like him.

Will I always be?

Man have I been sick all week. High fever, UTI shit. Got some antibotics for it yesterday. This is when I get a little pissed about still having parts of a woman when I suffer from these UTI's. Within the last 2 years I get a lot of them. But it has affected me more this time around. Perhaps because it has been the worst one yet. Usually not with a fever like this. Just don't have any energy at all. Will these be the things that will always remind me I am still a woman? Will I be fully able to walk this earth knowing I am the man I am suppose to be?
When someone slips and says ma'am or miss now it just spins my head a little. Thank God I have a filter today on my anger because someone who does not even know would be in my line of fire.
I often wonder what happened to that rage and to that anger and I realized that its all because of the acceptance of who I am. I am finally living the life I am suppose to live. Developing the body I am suppose to have and loving the person I was always suppose to love.
So today I just praise God for bringing me this far and being teachable to accept what he has in store for me.

Feeling Good

I realized this morning just what a good space I am in. I am moving forward with life. I still have moments of anxiety about what people think about me. Am I going to be figured out by people who just meet me. I really wish that I had moved to another area. I can't even imagine how freeing that would be. So I have some long term goals that I am going to start trying to shoot for being moved out of Charlottesville in the next 12 months. I realize the importance of setting goals.

On another note I am constantly seeing changes now in my body. Hair on my knuckles I know sounds crazy but I love looking at my hands now. Hair is coming out on my thighs and little fuzz on my arms! I feel so much more confident. It is amazing to watch these small changes occur.

Still horny as hell and don't know why I just don't find someone and take care of that! I realize that I am not the kind of person who just does one night stands. I want to save myself as a transman for someone who I will fall in love with and who will support me of this change. Not someone who is just interested in seeing what it would be like.

Okay so I am on the clock with work and need to get busy for the day. I need to come back later and write more. I just started again writing in what I will hope will become a book. It's all about growing up in being so confused with my gender. I am digging deep and looking into my childhood. Some of it is painful but many of them of the memories are so vague. I can't remember what it felt like to be a child.
I will keep working with that.

9 Months

So its been 9 months since I have been on T. A lot has changed in those 9 months. I have struggled financially and starting to pull myself back up slowly due to lost of jobs. I have mended a very good friendship and its stronger every day behind my becoming a good honest man. I feel more confident than ever with who and where I am. The motto for Black Transmen is Becomg The Change You Want The World  To See. That is where I am. I am changing and becoming that man. It has not been easy and my anxiety level surfaces from time to time. But the anxiety is no where near crippling like it use to be. Today my recovery program is strong, I am physically strong and mentally strong.
You know if I were to get into a relationship today, that person would be very lucky because of the secure, confident person I am evolving into.
I have so much to say about my growing up and where I am now. I have started writing a book but somehow I cannot put pen to paper to do. I have got to discipline myself to do better with that. As I need to discipline myself to do better with my daily blogging. I really need to get back to a daily journal here.
Life is good.

Long Time

It's been a long time since I have posted. Not sure I had a lot of words to say just living life one moment at a time. I did this 6 week workshop on Mindfulness Meditation. I have been incorporating that a lot in my life. Just being aware of everything I do and everything around me. I have gotten so comfortable being the man that I am becoming to be. I am accepted as a male at my new job. As a matter of fact the coworkers know nothing about my transition. It's has been so comfortable just being me.
I don't know about other transmen but there are moments when I am in the company of all men that I feel like they are going to figure me out. That I am going to do something that will give me away. I don't know what that something is, but I have just a twinge of anxiety about that.
I take a deep breath and try to get myself centered into being who I know I am suppose to be. An African American man just trying to make a living in this world.
As I look back over the last year I see how I have gotten stronger with every hurdle I have had to cross. I look at my spiritual level and how much it has increased. My faith is stronger than ever.
My next challenge is finishing my book. I have it in me, I just have to step out of the boat and continue the journey.