Stuff

Today I started my new job. Working from home was very different. I have to pull out all the discipline I can  muster just not to slack off. But I have incentives to make money to get the things I need in order to continue my journey. I want to set a goal to have top surgery by this time next year. So I have to work hard and save the cash I will need to make it through this. I know if I put my trust in God and let him work it out it will happen.
I am so excited about this job. It will allow me to test my marketing skills and also my sales ability to step up and perform.
I just need to continue with the discipline and not become a slacker.

Name Change

So all the official paper work is in and I can now move forward to changing all documents to my new name. There is a little bit of sadness to losing the name Charlotte. It was Charlotte who endured evil at the hands of my uncle. It was Charlotte who watch her Father take his last breath. It was Charlotte who walked into the rooms of AA and got clean and sober. So many milestones that Charlotte took. What will the path for Charley be like? So many changes. New job, new name, new life. Some times I wonder if I am doing too much too soon. But you know I have to take action on being in love with my life and start to live again. I have never been so content with my life right now. I am living the peaceful, serene life I have always thought I could never have.
Today I am truly Charley. As the name says it means Free Man. Today I am a free man!

Changes Continue

Today I feel more in touch with who I am as a human being. New job in the works where I can take a deep breath and exhale a little financially. It's still not within reach but I can see some financial breathing happening in the near future. I will be okay. No matter what happens I will be alright. I just have learned to turn it over to my Higher Power I choose to call God and let the rest move at its own pace. I have no control.
I still feel like I am in the in between stage but that too is something I need to just accept and move through it.
Today I am just me. I am someone who is becoming who I have wanted to be since a child.
My thoughts still go back to that tree with my green army men. There are days I wish I could play with those green army men again. I guess why can't I? I mean there is nothing wrong with me going back and living bits of my childhood again by playing with some toys. Sounds crazy? I don't think so. I just want to be able to get in touch with that which has been lost. Lately I miss my memories of my childhood. I want to remember more. I want to feel more. I try and reach deep down and pull out those memories but it's just not there. Am I trying too hard? Maybe one day I will buy me some green army men and play with them. I want to connect with some of my past. I want to accept some of my past. I want to be able to feel safe looking at my childhood. Maybe working with Michael I can do that. Maybe slowly going to the tree and climbing it I will be able to see the view and feel safe about doing it.