Sunday morning

I like Sunday mornings. Quiet and peaceful. I use to not feel the serenity that days like today is giving me. I was so caught up in my head that I just could not feel or see the beauty. Today is so different. I am so different. Does this come from taking T? Having some therapy under my belt? On meds? I think it might be a combo of all of them. I also think that I am just maturing into the person I am becoming. I don't worry about what people think of me. 

I have had a little inside battle this week about my growing mustache. It is becoming more visible and I worry what my family is going to think. But after a lot of soul searching I have to live to be me. This is what this journey is all about. I have not driven the miles that I have every other week to Richmond, long hours of therapy and a lot of soul searching to be scared or concerned about that others think of me. It's non of my business what they think of me. They are going to be uncomfortable with whatever I do. First they were uncomfortable about my lifestyle. Then who I loved, now its my transition. It's all okay. As long as I am comfortable with who I am it's all that matters. 

I have been writing a lot more lately and determined to write at least 2500 words per day. That is my goal. I am not sure I will meet it but its what I have put upon my soul to do. It helps to put those words of the feelings from the past down on paper. I can feel it and just move on.

I have been packing more lately and it is such a great feeling to pack. It helps with me feeling caught in between lives. It helps with being more in touch with my masculine side. It just gives me a better feeling all together. Hard to explain but it just does. I am saving money to buy a STP and will be wearing this at all times. It's another step towards being the man I am suppose to be. I really am excited and can't wait until I have all the money saved to do this. 

I went to UVA on Friday and met with my Endo doc. She was very understanding and I am actually her first transman that she will be seeing. We spent a a lot of time just talking. I was afraid that they were going to require that I have more therapy. She was very impress with my letters of support and actually everything took less than an hour and I was out of there.

I then went for a job interview. My goal is to find a better job by the end of the year. One that pays a little better and one that I have some health benefits. I pray every night that God will enlarge my financial, and employment territory. I pray that I will have someone in my life to share these joys with. I pray that my life becomes complete. I am heading in the right direction and it all takes time. But I am becoming the man I want the world to see.

One Year

September 13 was one year of being on T. I am a little late writing about this. I did a quiet celebration of my anniversary. I don't know its like its not complete. I want to have top surgery so bad. It's hard trying to save money on the salary that I am currently making. But I just keep praying for a better job, just keep praying that something will work out and I can get the surgery that I so need to take that next step into my manhood.

I went to the Charlottesville Pride and worked a booth for Black Transmen Inc. It was official that in Charlottesville those who know me now know that I am a black transman and I am living my life as one.

I still have my moments with my family that scare me a little about what are they thinking. What are they saying. But I quickly let go of that fear and just know that I am living my life for me. It's time that I just simply step up and be who I was suppose to be all along. 

I have fear that I might not ever love someone in a intimate relationship because there are no women out there wanting someone who is trans. But that too will come in time. What I want to do is finish my novel, finish those thoughts and get them down on paper. See if it can help the next person like me who is attempting this late in life. 

To be their voice, to the print of their footsteps and follow me.

This week I am going to a new doc for my T. This will be at UVA. I am not sure what to expect from them. If they are going to be ignorant to what I need and treat me differently. I am prepared to defend myself on what medical services I need. I am not going to be afraid to speak up for what I need, what I am suppose to get for my health. 

So for today I am feeling okay. I am feeling like I am going to make it okay. I am on the right path and I am moving forward to being the person I am suppose to be. After a year on T. I am right on target.