Sunday Morning

Here I am on a Sunday morning. House is quiet and my thoughts of my new life are swirling around in my head. Two weeks on the "T". I wake up every morning thinking something has changed. But change takes time and I have all the time in the world.
I realized this morning what a calm peaceful life I have going on right now. I am content in many ways. I miss not being in a relationship but that too takes time. I love Sunday mornings. Quiet, easy, no rush, nothing on the agenda.
I have been thinking a lot of what will I look like on "T". Will my looks change? How much will my body change? How soon? So many questions. I have some fear and doubt at times. Fear that this will just alienate me even more in this town. Doubt if I am doing the right thing. I just keep coming back to the core of all of this. What is making me happy. Why am I so content in my life right now? I am because of the decisions I have made thus far. I am because I know I am not a lesbian, or straight woman. Where do I fit? Who am I? I am a Transman who happens to be attracted to lesbian women?
Will I be accepted by the lesbian community? I really need to connect with more black transmen. How do I do that? I have to be willing to step out of the boat and walk on the water. Have faith in what I believe in and move forward. These words sound great but can I do this? Can I step out? I have to I have no other choice. I don't want my life to be alone, no good friends like me etc. I have to do what I need to do.

On The "T"

One week and I have been on the T. Every day I look for changes. I feel like I did when I was 8. It was Christmas and all I wanted was Johnny and Jane West set Of course the complete set! With the ranch and the horses Deep down I wondered if I would be allowed to have this boy toy. There had been no debate about it when I asked for what I wanted on that special day. I thought it would be safer asking for Jane West as well. After all she was a girl doll. But she wore western wear and looking at her now. She was nothing near the femme world of Barbie. She wore pants and a shirt very much like her husband or could it have been her sibling? I got the entire set including Johnny West that Christmas. I think it was the best Christmas present I ever got. I certainly is the one I remembered. All the accessories were included. I spent hours playing with Johnny and Jane. Riding into the sunset on Thunderbolt, waking up in the morning having coffee over the flames. As I recall I was always allowed the boy toys. I had the GI Joe's etc 

I write all of this because I felt like that little boy last Tuesday. Excited and anxious all at the same time. I am crossing over to being the man that this little girl of 8 wanted to be.