It's been awhile since I have written anything. It's like I have been in some sort of slump about putting words out on paper. I have so much to say but don't know what or how to formulate it. Does that make any sense? My Mother has been placed in a nursing facility for rehab and it has sort of rocked my world a little bit. Just knowing that she is there and seeing how helpless she is makes me realize that life is never always the same. That it is constantly changes.
I think the hardest part is there I am looking totally like a man and she is introducing me to the staff as her youngest daughter. What do I do? Do I correct her? Leave it alone? I choose to just leave it alone. She will never accept what and who I am now. Her mind would not comprehend it nor would she want to accept it. She never truly accepted that I was a lesbian, she would never accept this.
She is one of those church going people who believes that gays will all burn in hell. She would never present that to the outside world but behind close doors and to me she would express her feelings very openly.
I feel at peace with my Mother in that the steps of AA taught me about forgiveness and I have forgave and have made my amends to what I have done to her. I am free with that. I just now don't talk a lot of substance stuff with her. We just do the same thing in the nursing home as we did at home. We just talk about surface things and leave the heavy duty stuff alone.
So tonight I just check in with my writing and I just vow to write more.
