Life Of A Black Man

Lately I have notice how women respond to me as a black man now. White women seem to be scared or they just ignore me. Black women very seldom even look my way. They too ignore my presence. Is this something that women do? I smile and try to be pleasant but a lot of times I don't even get a response back from them. I have to wonder. I remember when I was much bigger than I am now. People would stare and ignore because it was like they were going to catch my fat on them. Some laughed, some even shook their head. Men would not even look my way. Today a little less weight on me I would have to say its not about the weight. It's about the look. I am a black man and I am a threat. I have to remind myself of that when I am ignored in the rooms of AA by people who don't know me.
I am not a part of just an extension. That's how I feel. But for me we are all there for one common goal. To stay sober. I think sometimes their love and tolerance rule applies to only a few.

I heard the other night a comment about a transwomen in the rooms. They called her a he/she and then she was called an it. There was laughter. I asked what are you calling me? What are they saying I am? I had to let that go because its none of my business what they think of me.

First Time

It's the little things that are happening in my life that make the biggest impact for me lately. Last week I got into my first tux and and went to a black tie affair. I had wondered what it would feel like to be in a suit. Would it feel different? It felt just like I had put on a new layer of skin. It was such a great fit.
I had a little anxiety when they were measuring me for my tux. Touching me around my chest. What would happen if they discovered what I am. Then I realized that I am me. I don't have to explain anything. I am Charley and I am a proud trans man. Nothing more, nothing less.
It's amazing where my anxiety about being trans can come up in a moments notice.