So tonight is the last night in my home in North Garden. I am sad but its what has to happen. This was the home that my ex and I created and in a short time I found myself here alone. But so many things have happened with my life while being in this home. I arrived here a very confused butch or so I thought butch woman. It was here in the dark of night feeling so out of place that I discovered who I really am. That I am a man trapped in this body that is called a woman. That underneath this skin is the boy I always knew I was suppose to be.
Tonight I have one final time in this home. Reflecting and knowing that there is something out there greater for me. I just have to keep the faith and stay positive. God has my back.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Accepting Change
In AA we use the Serenity prayer a lot. I have been saying that prayer a lot these days. So many changes happening with me. Changes that I see physically and mentally because of the hormones. Changes that are happening with the move and with continued faith that I am going to be okay through all of this. Turning things over on a daily basics. I am see and feel the growth in me. I am becoming the man I also yearned to be. The one that I toyed with the idea at 16 what it would be like to be a boy. The one shoved aside for so many years. I am emerging to become someone I truly want to be around.
I still have my extreme lonely periods. Where do I fit in. No longer fit in with the women, never did really. Feel like I don't truly fit in with the guys. But I always was more comfortable around them. There is something different some sort of quietness to my soul. Is it a mixture of the acceptance of who I am? Could it be that I am just no longer depressed? That I am enjoying life even though I don't have anyone to share my joy with. Oh I have a few people that I could share this with, but I miss the intimate person. The person who will know all sides. That too will come in time. Or maybe not. I am not the one to for see what my future holds. That is where the Serenity Prayer comes in. To accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am gaining that wisdom to know the difference these days.
I still have my extreme lonely periods. Where do I fit in. No longer fit in with the women, never did really. Feel like I don't truly fit in with the guys. But I always was more comfortable around them. There is something different some sort of quietness to my soul. Is it a mixture of the acceptance of who I am? Could it be that I am just no longer depressed? That I am enjoying life even though I don't have anyone to share my joy with. Oh I have a few people that I could share this with, but I miss the intimate person. The person who will know all sides. That too will come in time. Or maybe not. I am not the one to for see what my future holds. That is where the Serenity Prayer comes in. To accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am gaining that wisdom to know the difference these days.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
First Negative Response
So today I am doing some work and I had a cousin and his boyfriend (yes they are gay) helping me.
I thought it was as better time as any to tell them about my transition. My cousin just went on and on about why would I want to do this and he thought it was not something I needed to do.
His boyfriend was behind me 100%. He kept telling my cousin because it was what I wanted to do. He then went on to say they had been together 35 years and he had wanted to have a marriage ceremony but will have to wait until my cousins mother dies!
I said I was not waiting for anyone to die to be happy.
It really hit home because I thought of all people they would understand. I have to look at them and realize that they have their share of problems and ignorance about what I am doing. Should not let it effect me but just one more reason to know I might not have family and close friends to support me through this.
I thought it was as better time as any to tell them about my transition. My cousin just went on and on about why would I want to do this and he thought it was not something I needed to do.
His boyfriend was behind me 100%. He kept telling my cousin because it was what I wanted to do. He then went on to say they had been together 35 years and he had wanted to have a marriage ceremony but will have to wait until my cousins mother dies!
I said I was not waiting for anyone to die to be happy.
It really hit home because I thought of all people they would understand. I have to look at them and realize that they have their share of problems and ignorance about what I am doing. Should not let it effect me but just one more reason to know I might not have family and close friends to support me through this.
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