Sunday Morning

Here I am on a Sunday morning. House is quiet and my thoughts of my new life are swirling around in my head. Two weeks on the "T". I wake up every morning thinking something has changed. But change takes time and I have all the time in the world.
I realized this morning what a calm peaceful life I have going on right now. I am content in many ways. I miss not being in a relationship but that too takes time. I love Sunday mornings. Quiet, easy, no rush, nothing on the agenda.
I have been thinking a lot of what will I look like on "T". Will my looks change? How much will my body change? How soon? So many questions. I have some fear and doubt at times. Fear that this will just alienate me even more in this town. Doubt if I am doing the right thing. I just keep coming back to the core of all of this. What is making me happy. Why am I so content in my life right now? I am because of the decisions I have made thus far. I am because I know I am not a lesbian, or straight woman. Where do I fit? Who am I? I am a Transman who happens to be attracted to lesbian women?
Will I be accepted by the lesbian community? I really need to connect with more black transmen. How do I do that? I have to be willing to step out of the boat and walk on the water. Have faith in what I believe in and move forward. These words sound great but can I do this? Can I step out? I have to I have no other choice. I don't want my life to be alone, no good friends like me etc. I have to do what I need to do.

On The "T"

One week and I have been on the T. Every day I look for changes. I feel like I did when I was 8. It was Christmas and all I wanted was Johnny and Jane West set Of course the complete set! With the ranch and the horses Deep down I wondered if I would be allowed to have this boy toy. There had been no debate about it when I asked for what I wanted on that special day. I thought it would be safer asking for Jane West as well. After all she was a girl doll. But she wore western wear and looking at her now. She was nothing near the femme world of Barbie. She wore pants and a shirt very much like her husband or could it have been her sibling? I got the entire set including Johnny West that Christmas. I think it was the best Christmas present I ever got. I certainly is the one I remembered. All the accessories were included. I spent hours playing with Johnny and Jane. Riding into the sunset on Thunderbolt, waking up in the morning having coffee over the flames. As I recall I was always allowed the boy toys. I had the GI Joe's etc 

I write all of this because I felt like that little boy last Tuesday. Excited and anxious all at the same time. I am crossing over to being the man that this little girl of 8 wanted to be. 

Name Change

So tomorrow I go and get the official name change with the court. Just filling out some paper work and then wait and it's all done. How do I feel about that? A little scared, not sure where the fear is coming from. Can't really pen point the anxiety. But I feel it in my stomach. Many times I wonder if this is the right thing. I know in my heart and soul it is. I know that in order for me to be a complete person I have to move forward with this.
There are days I want to shout this out from the roof top. Other days I just want to go and hide. I am in the peeking out the hole stage today. Just like the ground hog, peeking out to see what I see. But unlike the ground hog I am not running back in. I can't, I won't. I should not have to.

August 23rd

I have my prescription and the next step is to get it filled and move on to the next stage of my life. This is yet another new journey. I feel alone with this. Like I am the lone wolf out in the field away from the pack. It's not a that it's a horrible feeling. I just will be glad when the changes really start to take effect. I will then not feel so much like the freak that I feel now. I can wear men's clothes and feel okay. I will be looked at as a the male that I am. Right now I feel like I am caught in between. Is this what it is like when one dies? People talk about them being present in the earthly world and present in the Godly world. Am I waiting for Charlotte to die and Charley to emerge and bring new life?
I will just keep moving towards being healthy. Eating well, exercising and keeping my head clear. I keep the head clear by forever remaining teachable. It's work living healthy. Every morning I take the responsibility of what my day is going to be like. How am I going to treat people. How do I want people to treat me. I think that by practicing these principles in all my affairs will keep me healthy.
I need to make a commitment that I will blog my feelings, and thoughts more. I can't go back to the old routine of keeping them closed in. I have to write this out. I did a mental 10th step daily I need to do this as well. I am going to apply the steps about my transitioning.
I was a little shocked they gave me these meds so quickly. So many thoughts running through my head. Am I ready? What will it do to me? Will I die from this? Is God pleased with what I am doing? I need to just settle down and just go with the what God is doing for me. He is doing for me what I can't do for myself!

Making A Difference

Yesterday I see what it means to make a difference in someone's life. I was at a meeting and this guy comes to me after the meeting. Shakes my hand and proceeds to say he heard my share over a month ago about changing my name. He asked if I was going transition to female to male. I swallowed hard not knowing what to expect from my yes to his question. But I did and what happened next was earth shattering for me. He proceeded to tell me about his daughter who was ten who they were taking to a specialist to help her become a boy. He spoke of his daughter/son with such love and caring. How all he wanted from his child was that they be happy. He asked if I was willing to meet with his daughter/son. It was the first time through just my short life of attempting to live as a male that I felt I could be of service to this father and his child.

Amazing what happens when we put our self out of the way and let our Higher Power simply move through us. We can make a difference.

Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the last session with Jen. I am having some mixed feelings about all of this. A little anger that she is moving and I feel like she is leaving me. Some sadness that she won't be a part of the next part of my journey. Jen has been riding shot gun with me for awhile now. So now it's time for her to jump out the car and I am allowing someone to ride in the car with me.

How will the ride be from here on out?

Jen saved my life when I could not even know where I needed to start to even live a good life. I didn't even have a clue as to what life was supposed to be like. So tonight I am going to pray for our last session will not be very emotional. That saying good bye is only a start to something new.

Being A Black Man

So I am watching this you tube video on Facebook about this brother who is trans and how he is being treated now as a male. That when he is walking down the street white people fear him. It struck me that this very thing could happen to me as I continue to transition. I mean I sort of kind of get it now but a little different. People before I got the binder could not figure me out from a distance. They looked at the chest first. Now they still look at the chest see barely nothing and then try to figure out. This is what I am right now having a hard time living with. This see saw gender living. Work I am Charlotte, to family I am Charlotte but to some I am Charley. I just will be glad when I can finally step over and just be me! The African American brother I am suppose to be.

You know this would all be so simple if I was just born a man. I can remember as a child dreaming of being a little black boy. I would climb up in the tree in the front yard. Armed with green army men, GI Joe and I would play for hours as the little boy I wanted to be. Amazing how many of my childhood memories are coming back now that I have taken this step. I keep thinking about that tree and how when it was cut down. I wonder if those green army men were still in their cave? Today I have some of those green army men on my book shelf. Some of them had parachutes and I would drop them from the tree. Those hours I spent playing alone must have been the happy moments of my childhood. I was all boy. I was just being me.

Today I can play with those green army men like a young boy if I want to. I don't have to feel ashamed or that I am being different. I won't be laughed at from classmates at school or made to play with Barbie dolls. Today if I want to play with green army men I can be who I want to be.

Being a black man. Will I be feared? How different will it be? Do I have fear of being a black man? Can I handle being a black man? So many questions circle around in my head about this. What will I be like? I want to have the gentle soul of my Father. His honesty and his character. Can I live up to be the man my Father was?