Name Change

So tomorrow I go and get the official name change with the court. Just filling out some paper work and then wait and it's all done. How do I feel about that? A little scared, not sure where the fear is coming from. Can't really pen point the anxiety. But I feel it in my stomach. Many times I wonder if this is the right thing. I know in my heart and soul it is. I know that in order for me to be a complete person I have to move forward with this.
There are days I want to shout this out from the roof top. Other days I just want to go and hide. I am in the peeking out the hole stage today. Just like the ground hog, peeking out to see what I see. But unlike the ground hog I am not running back in. I can't, I won't. I should not have to.

August 23rd

I have my prescription and the next step is to get it filled and move on to the next stage of my life. This is yet another new journey. I feel alone with this. Like I am the lone wolf out in the field away from the pack. It's not a that it's a horrible feeling. I just will be glad when the changes really start to take effect. I will then not feel so much like the freak that I feel now. I can wear men's clothes and feel okay. I will be looked at as a the male that I am. Right now I feel like I am caught in between. Is this what it is like when one dies? People talk about them being present in the earthly world and present in the Godly world. Am I waiting for Charlotte to die and Charley to emerge and bring new life?
I will just keep moving towards being healthy. Eating well, exercising and keeping my head clear. I keep the head clear by forever remaining teachable. It's work living healthy. Every morning I take the responsibility of what my day is going to be like. How am I going to treat people. How do I want people to treat me. I think that by practicing these principles in all my affairs will keep me healthy.
I need to make a commitment that I will blog my feelings, and thoughts more. I can't go back to the old routine of keeping them closed in. I have to write this out. I did a mental 10th step daily I need to do this as well. I am going to apply the steps about my transitioning.
I was a little shocked they gave me these meds so quickly. So many thoughts running through my head. Am I ready? What will it do to me? Will I die from this? Is God pleased with what I am doing? I need to just settle down and just go with the what God is doing for me. He is doing for me what I can't do for myself!

Making A Difference

Yesterday I see what it means to make a difference in someone's life. I was at a meeting and this guy comes to me after the meeting. Shakes my hand and proceeds to say he heard my share over a month ago about changing my name. He asked if I was going transition to female to male. I swallowed hard not knowing what to expect from my yes to his question. But I did and what happened next was earth shattering for me. He proceeded to tell me about his daughter who was ten who they were taking to a specialist to help her become a boy. He spoke of his daughter/son with such love and caring. How all he wanted from his child was that they be happy. He asked if I was willing to meet with his daughter/son. It was the first time through just my short life of attempting to live as a male that I felt I could be of service to this father and his child.

Amazing what happens when we put our self out of the way and let our Higher Power simply move through us. We can make a difference.

Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the last session with Jen. I am having some mixed feelings about all of this. A little anger that she is moving and I feel like she is leaving me. Some sadness that she won't be a part of the next part of my journey. Jen has been riding shot gun with me for awhile now. So now it's time for her to jump out the car and I am allowing someone to ride in the car with me.

How will the ride be from here on out?

Jen saved my life when I could not even know where I needed to start to even live a good life. I didn't even have a clue as to what life was supposed to be like. So tonight I am going to pray for our last session will not be very emotional. That saying good bye is only a start to something new.

Being A Black Man

So I am watching this you tube video on Facebook about this brother who is trans and how he is being treated now as a male. That when he is walking down the street white people fear him. It struck me that this very thing could happen to me as I continue to transition. I mean I sort of kind of get it now but a little different. People before I got the binder could not figure me out from a distance. They looked at the chest first. Now they still look at the chest see barely nothing and then try to figure out. This is what I am right now having a hard time living with. This see saw gender living. Work I am Charlotte, to family I am Charlotte but to some I am Charley. I just will be glad when I can finally step over and just be me! The African American brother I am suppose to be.

You know this would all be so simple if I was just born a man. I can remember as a child dreaming of being a little black boy. I would climb up in the tree in the front yard. Armed with green army men, GI Joe and I would play for hours as the little boy I wanted to be. Amazing how many of my childhood memories are coming back now that I have taken this step. I keep thinking about that tree and how when it was cut down. I wonder if those green army men were still in their cave? Today I have some of those green army men on my book shelf. Some of them had parachutes and I would drop them from the tree. Those hours I spent playing alone must have been the happy moments of my childhood. I was all boy. I was just being me.

Today I can play with those green army men like a young boy if I want to. I don't have to feel ashamed or that I am being different. I won't be laughed at from classmates at school or made to play with Barbie dolls. Today if I want to play with green army men I can be who I want to be.

Being a black man. Will I be feared? How different will it be? Do I have fear of being a black man? Can I handle being a black man? So many questions circle around in my head about this. What will I be like? I want to have the gentle soul of my Father. His honesty and his character. Can I live up to be the man my Father was?

Tonight

A little disappointed in that the clinic called and cancelled at the last minute. Once I got over the first response of disappointment I realized that every thing cannot go my way. I have to learn to go with the flow of life. So amazing these days how I can recognize my feelings address them and move on. Wish I had learn this months or years ago. Things could have been different. Or are they coming to me at the time they are suppose to come? Talked to a good friend tonight who feels like he does not need AA. I listened. I never made a statement until the end. I just shared my own experience, strength and hope with him, My experience is that I have to go to a certain number of meetings. If I don't I start spinning out of control. I don't over dose on meetings like some but I have 3 or 4 that I go to a week. My strength from this is that I stay in control with a mixture of AA, the fellowship with a few certain people and my own self worth that I am helping someone else by being there. There might be someone that I can take just a minute of my time to give them something that they are missing or don't even have. My hope is that by going I am helping someone else who helps me stay away from the drink and the drug.

I have learned the hard way that I cannot put all my trust in AA. That there are other things that are going to help me have a balance life. AA, therapy, work, my home, taking care of me. Just to name a few. Tonight I listened to my friend struggle with issues of an ex, struggle with allowing sick people in AA rule his coming and goings. I take what I need and leave the rest. I am grateful that we are all not sick on the same day. That someone with 30 minutes of being sober and clean can help me just like someone with 30 years. We all are the same just a daily reprieve.

Fear

Last night I got sick at my stomach. Not sure what was going on and I had this cloud of fear surround me. What will happen when I have surgery and there is no on there in the night if I get sick? What happens if my body has a hard time with testosterone? Will someone be there to help me? This is the lonely fearful part of this in my mind. I was really in my head last night when I woke up sick. The mental sick side of me felt like a victim wanted to feel sorry for myself. But deep down God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. He quieted the disturbance in my head. I was able to awake this morning not feeling well but able to take care of a few things. Then take care of me. Sleep, eat good and rest, and pray. Those were the essential things that I need to do. I have the tools today to make my day good or bad. I took care of me.

Tonight I am preparing to meet with the Fan Free Clinic on Tuesday and take that next step towards becoming a man. They will talk to me about testosterone, an intake and I am officially on my road. 

How I wish Jen could be a part of this next step. I have to recognize that this is some of what is going on with my emotional self. This is going to be a tough emotional week and I just need to accept and move on. Relationships change and end and new ones begin.