The Gathering

Little things make such a difference to me at this time in my life. I will be gathering with the family on Thursday and it will be the first time I am sporting a mustache. I feel a little awkward about it. Even considered shaving it off. But I finally realized that if I am going to truly be a trans man I need to not be afraid. Being afraid of what people would think of me has been the driving force of my life. I have to let go of that fear and just keep moving in the direction I want my life to be in. I have to become the man I want to be without any reservations.
For years I lived my life in the shadows. Afraid to express who I am and who I wanted to love for fear of what people would think. Today I am proud of who I am. I am a decent, loving black man of trans experience. I am someone who loves their life, loves deeply friends I have in my life and I am proud to be a black man.
Today I will express who I am in whatever way I want to. I will be loving, kind and grateful for the life God has given me. Knowing that God is by my side.
I am proud and I am a black transman.

Feeling Grateful

You know at the moment I am unemployed. Money is really tight. But I still have a lot to be grateful for. Grateful that I don't find it necessary to take a drink or a drug today after 7 1/2 years. That its not my automatic go to like it use to be. That drama and ego inflation is not a part of my life today. Today I try to remain humble and know that its not about me.
Tonight I am going to pray for this job and know that it's okay to ask God to send it to me. Tonight before I go to bed I would have did the best I could at living as a decent human being just for today. Tonight I okay.

Changes

As I see more and more changes with my body. The more I feel like hiding. I have been growing a mustache and I feel so open and raw about it. There are times I want to just shave it off so that people don't think I am so sort of freak who does not know about my transition Why should I care? I am living my life being who I am comfortable being. These are the things that I carry around with me. I need to talk to someone about them. Express my fears and my feelings. I wish I lived in a town where no one knows me. Where I am just another person. Is this normal? Why should I care what people think? I am who I am.
Tonight I was in the grocery store. Saw someone I knew from many years ago. I went down the next aisle to keep from speaking to her. I felt so raw, so ashamed of who I am. Am I being a fake? Is this normal for where I am in my transition?
I am comfortable being a man, but uncomfortable being a man in front of people who know me. I worry they are going to think I am some sort of freak, sick. Just the way I was treated when I was a little girl trying to fit in. Being laughed at and bullied by friends. I was always treated like a freak. I was even called one. So when I see someone that has some sort of idea of what I am doing, I feel that rawness. The same rawness I felt as a child at the big tree near the merry go round.
Am I that child again?

Been Awhile

So its been awhile since I posted on the page. Life has had its series of ups and down. Another job lost. Which means another having to explain myself when they do background checks. I want to just settle down with a stable job and have a good life of work and pleasure. Is that too much to ask for? I have been dealing with writers block and have not been able to write a lot. No writing in my journal,, no writing on my novel. I really wish I could get past this block and get back to writing. I remember when I was drinking and doing drugs it was then I could put my thoughts and feelings down on paper. Now that I am sober I have such a difficult time putting thoughts, feelings down on paper. I need to get past this procrastination and get busy.
I have so much to write about, so much in my head and in my heart but I can't seem to put it down on paper.
I need to do small writing exercises like this one. Try to put thoughts and feelings down every day.

Here I am

So here I am with no job, money running low and I have writers block. Can't seem to get motivated enough to continue writing. I have about another 100 pages to go and I think I would be finished. Why is it that I cant buckle down and write. There is so much in my head that needs to go on paper. So much of my past that I need to write about. I have to pray that I am going to start moving in the direction of writing and soon. I have so many excuses. So much idle time on my hands. I think I am a lot more depress about this job situation than I am letting on.
I am so grateful for the meds I am on that will not allow me to get any further depress than I already am.
It helps that I have someone to talk to. My good friend. She supports me in every endeavor I am doing.
Pretty much my day is filled with minor things to do around the house. I basically sit and stare at the computer screen for hours. What am I to do?

Two Steps Forward Three Backwards

So I have been laid off again. This time I did not see it coming. I was performing well. Meeting targets. So what was the problem this time? Couldn't really explain except they are doing a reduction and I am one of the people they were sending out the door.
So here I go again. Having to find a job. Fear I am not going to meet my bills, fear I will lose stuff. Just normal fear and panic. But I just keep praying. When fear creeps up I just stop and pray. I don't know anything else to do. I am taking action. Resume is up to date and I am sending them out there.
I have faith that God is not going to let me down. I have to do the next right thing. I have to just keep taking action. Faith without works is dead. I am much stronger than my last lay off. I am more centered and grounded. I am going to take the off time to also write more and just take care of me. I am not afraid for the moment.

2 Years

Last Friday was two years of being on T for me. In March it will be 3 years of coming out as trans. I have had it fairly easy compared to what some people have to deal with. I still have my family who ignores. Ignoring is easier than accepting. But that's okay I am who I am. I pretty much came out trans over the weekend by being interview by the local paper. That too was God doing for me what I could not do for myself. It was decent and in order. That is how God wants me to live my life. Live it as a good and decent man.

When I got to work on Monday I had some people who looked funny at me. Was it my imagination or was it true. I then got a call that my pay was being cut and I was the only one being effected by this. Last month I was the best thing going bringing in money for the company. This week they are struggling and not meeting the goals. Which is it with me. But you know I took it all in stride. Was again the decent and in order man that I am trying to be. I accepted but I don't have to work there for the rest of my life. So I have started actively looking for a new job.
I will do what God directs me to do. Stay in prayer over this and just do the next right thing.
2 years and its bringing a lot of different changes. Who would have believe two years ago I would be giving myself injections. Who would have believe that 2 years ago I would be speaking out about our local pride. 2 years ago who would have believe that I would be so content with life?