Peace

I find that every day I get more at peace about everything that is happening in my life. In AA we have the 9 step promises. It tells us that we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. That we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and know peace. I am feeling that way right now. I have some fears but I just keep having the faith that God is going to see me through all of this. I have faith that I will be okay.
It's the same faith I had when I crossed over to the other side with my transition. It's the faith I had when I step out every day as Charley the man. Not worried about what people think or feel about me.
I have faith that every thing is going to be okay in my life. I know I have God on my side.

Christmas Eve

So its Christmas Eve. I am working today nothing special about today. But it seems to me to have a special feeling in the air. I feel for the first time during the holidays very free. I am who I am these days and I have learn to accept so many things in my life. This is the time of year that people reflect back on who they are, what they have done etc. I too find myself doing that. I find myself wanting to be in a better place then where I am now. I stop myself because that is such self centered behavior to feel like this. It's not about where I want to be but where I am at the moment and accepting that.
I have learned so much in the last few years. The last few days I find myself thinking about Jen a lot and how broken I was when I came to her. How through trust and faith I left her a much better person. Someone who was growing whole. Someone who was willing to be teachable again. I thank God for that time with her and that time I had with God. How God has kept me through every situation I have encountered.

I realized that I don't write as much as I would like. I feel like I have a story in my heart and soul. But how can I express that to others if I am not taking the action to get it done? I have to make a pact with myself that I need to write at least 90 minutes out of every day. If I miss I need to make up for that time.
Can I do this? Yes I can do this. Its call discipline. Something that many times I lack
I have to get my story out there, I have to be heard.

Change In My Life

I feel like I am on the verge of having some big changes happen in my life. I have realized one thing. I am burned out in the career of sales. The fear I have is that its all I know. But there has to be more that I can do with my life. I try and look at what makes me happy. I am basically very happy with my life. Very happy with my transition, happy with my living situation. I am not happy with my finances and how I would like to be making more money.
This job I have now was once again one of those I have to take it or else I starve jobs. I was up against the wall. I know they say its a lot easier to find a job with a job and that is exactly what I am going to do. Continue looking. Praying that Gods will is that I get a job that I am content with and feel like I am making a difference.

I never dreamed that my life would be so easy as it is right now. It has it ups and downs but I am so content with where I am. I never thought I would be content single. That I always needed to have someone in my life. That I would have to be in love or in lust with someone. Right now I am okay with me just being with me. I am loving me more every day. As I look back I see how miserable I was with my self. I could never had said I like me, I am okay with where I am, that life is pretty good. What made the change? I think a lot of it has to do with the great therapy I got for about two years. I think some of it has to do with the meds that I take and finally I think there is just a mixture of my life sober having a more concrete feel to it.

Last week I went to the training for this job in North Carolina. I had lots of time to think and pray and it was good. I also watched people drink. I realized that it could have been me. It could have been me headed to the bar before heading to dinner. It could have been me the next day smelling like stale alcohol. But it was not. I was fresh and ready to tackle the day. I had this small lingering fear that I would not be able to retain information by studying. It was hard but I was able to do it with very little problems.
I felt like it had been so long since I did the classroom thing that it was going to be difficult. As I had to study hard I made it
Once thing I realized that I just did not give myself credit is that I can do!

Passing

I have this new job and have been in North Carolina all week. It has been such a relief to be able to pass as male with no questions. Everyone knows me as a man and I am accepted in the men group just like one of the guys.
It is amazing what men will talk about. I have had the chance to hang out with them in the bar and get to know some of them. They talk about their wives and girlfriends and yes even freely talk about sex and its just a free flow of conversation. Of course it also gets a little more informative as they continue to drink and get a little more free with their conversation.
I found myself at times a little nervous that I might not be able to say the right thing or just do something that would dime me out.
What I realized was that I just needed to be myself and everything would be okay.

Why Do They Stare

People who know me are beginning to stare at me like I am something from space. Could it be my own fear of what I feeling and people are not staring at all? I want to think that its not me.I want to think that these people in AA are not staring at me. I have changed a little more of a defined mustache. It makes me feel a little uneasy and sometimes I want to just shave it off and blend back into the woodwork.
I have moment when my GID comes out raging and I just feel like what the hell do I have to go through this? It would have been so simple if I was born a man. Am I crazy to be feeling like this? Am I crazy for doing this? I just wish sometimes it was a little easier.
Every time I go the doctor and see someone different I have to explain. Who I am and where I am headed in my life. Each time it goes well but its just the anxiety before hand. Guess that makes sense. I find that writing more about my feelings this week has helped. The most important thing I need to remind myself is to be completely honest about my fears I write on this blog for two reasons to be heard and to let the feelings out.

More Stuff

So I am at an AA meeting today and really started to feel so isolated from everyone in the room. It was not a feeling of being scared or really no emotion at all. Just realized that there was no one in the room like me. I mean there was one other black guy there but a trans guy. Maybe I need to stop thinking of myself as a trans guy and just look at myself as a man. But I have a hard time doing that sometimes. I know I am different and that there are not any black transmen in Charlottesville other than me.
It was the same when I was getting sober. I was the only black butch lesbian or just a lesbian. I was accepted by everyone but it is and was the truth is I was different. I try to keep my ego about that in check most of the times but really it can be lonely. I don't know how to feel hanging out with the women still or should I make relationships with the straight guys? Will they accept me knowing what I am. I have been very honest in AA as to my journey.
I have to really pray about this and talk this over with other older trans guys. Sometimes I really wish I lived somewhere else. A larger city where there are more people like me.
I realized that more today than ever. I find myself really wanting more contact with transmen.
For now I will just continue to be me.

Stuff

Preparing for next week when I go out of town for this job. Hoping that I don't have to reveal too much about my personal life. Really feeling like I don't care if I have to or not. I am who I am. 

This week a young trans girl has been reported missing from Charlottesville. It has effected me because this girl and I have crossed paths. She met me at the booth during Charlottesville's Pride. She talked at great lengths with me about her struggles and how all she wanted was to be on hormones to complete her life.

I pray that she is safely returned back to her family. I pray that where ever she is that she is okay.

I just went last week to the Transgender Day of Rememberance and I was so effected as the names of these young people were read. Killed because of who they wanted to be. 

I wonder in this town what people think of me? I so want to just be another face in the crowd. Not go into a usual eating place and be called a woman because that is what they remember.I just want to be another face in the crowd. Just your average guy making it through life. Is that too much to ask for?

I need to get back to writing more about my feelings and fears. Get them down on paper. Sometimes just writing this out helps.