So lately I have been wondering why I am getting these looks of fear from white women. I finally realized living here in Virginia and in the south that I am now one of the most feared creatures to the white society. I am a black man. I dress professionally, I speak and walk with confidence. I was getting paranoid and thought it was because they could not figure out who I am. It's what every black man has had to endure in the south all their lives. Fear. I have had women cross the street and keep looking back. No its not that they are attracted to me, its the look of fear and panic in their eyes.
So as I continue my journey as a black man I also can look at this from another genders prospective as well.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Been Awhile
It's been awhile since my last entry. Lot going on in my life but I just continue to try and have some faith that it will all work out. I feel like my hormonal changes are all good. I am gaining more confidence in myself, can speak up for me without getting angry. Could this be changes because of the T? Or am I just gaining confidence in myself because of who I am becoming? I feel so free these days even in the midst of all the changes I am doing. I might be isolating a little but I think its the down time that I needed. Here is a fear that I need to get out. As I am looking for a job, I have changed the resume to state Charley. When I am getting calls people are saying he and yes sir. What the fuck do I do when I get to the face to face interview? Have to check with the other guys in my group about that? These days I am up for getting suggestions on about any life changing thing I am doing. I guess AA taught me that. Amazing what I bring with me through being in recovery.
While I am home I try and stay productive and busy. Up to 100 push ups a day and 100 sit ups. Work out with a couple of guys online through video chat. I never realized what I comfortable feeling I had being able to see those two and talk to them. It was amazing. It was just like I was where I belong.
I need to be able to write more and get my feelings down on paper on screen whatever. This is my journey and I want to be able to record it somehow. Just for my own personal keepsake. Perhaps it could help another older guy like me new in transition.
So its been 4 months on T. It seemed like yesterday I was given the script and now its been 4 months. At 6 months I can start giving the injections myself! I think for me through everything that has happened and happening, I am still able to stand tall and be the man I need to be. It is amazing to see this.
I am feeling a down about the possibility of having to move and no real job. I still have everything I need to get me through. I am becoming the man I want the world to see.
While I am home I try and stay productive and busy. Up to 100 push ups a day and 100 sit ups. Work out with a couple of guys online through video chat. I never realized what I comfortable feeling I had being able to see those two and talk to them. It was amazing. It was just like I was where I belong.
I need to be able to write more and get my feelings down on paper on screen whatever. This is my journey and I want to be able to record it somehow. Just for my own personal keepsake. Perhaps it could help another older guy like me new in transition.
So its been 4 months on T. It seemed like yesterday I was given the script and now its been 4 months. At 6 months I can start giving the injections myself! I think for me through everything that has happened and happening, I am still able to stand tall and be the man I need to be. It is amazing to see this.
I am feeling a down about the possibility of having to move and no real job. I still have everything I need to get me through. I am becoming the man I want the world to see.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Just Another Day....
Nothing special about this day. Just here chilling out and taking the action to move forward. I am feeling hopeful about so many things. The possibility of some dating, new career path and really wanting to settle down and do some service to my community. I also have a goal of losing a few more pounds of course everyone has that goal! I need to start doing more push ups to strengthen the upper body for top surgery some day. So many things in my life but I just have to keep reminding myself its a day at a time and each day is just another day.
Been listening to music again that is a good thing. Music enriches my soul. I had stopped listening to music last year because I was just in this bad space. When I did listen to music is was depressing music. Today I want to listen to the type of music that stirs my soul, that pumps me up to be ready to get through whatever task is ahead of me.
The last few days I have felt more in touch with my maleness than ever before. I am feeling so confident in me. Feeling like this is the right thing and I am on the right path. Last Tuesday when I fell found out about the job, I questioned everything. I just went to that dark place. It was okay though I didn't stay in the dark space. I recognized that I was there and I just kept on moving. What do I owe this to? God doing for me what I can't do for myself. I simply turned it over to that power greater than me.
At this moment, at this time. I am me, I am confident in what I believe in and I am ready to move through life and do what I need to do to make a difference.
Been listening to music again that is a good thing. Music enriches my soul. I had stopped listening to music last year because I was just in this bad space. When I did listen to music is was depressing music. Today I want to listen to the type of music that stirs my soul, that pumps me up to be ready to get through whatever task is ahead of me.
The last few days I have felt more in touch with my maleness than ever before. I am feeling so confident in me. Feeling like this is the right thing and I am on the right path. Last Tuesday when I fell found out about the job, I questioned everything. I just went to that dark place. It was okay though I didn't stay in the dark space. I recognized that I was there and I just kept on moving. What do I owe this to? God doing for me what I can't do for myself. I simply turned it over to that power greater than me.
At this moment, at this time. I am me, I am confident in what I believe in and I am ready to move through life and do what I need to do to make a difference.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year New Life
I have had a lot to reflect on these last few days about my life. The path in which it is going. How much control I have in it. I know that I let my Higher Power that I choose to call God take control of the wheel. But I also know that I have to step up and take the action. I can't just ride this journey for free!
So many changes last year. Some for the better all for the good is the way I am looking at it.
So right now I am in search of that next better job, in search of that next person to love and in search of the man I am becoming.
It's a new year with a new life. I am learning more and more every day to just remain teachable. Remain willing to listen, willing to step up and walk out on that water without fear.
I remember once being in so much fear that I was not going to ever love someone if I became trans. That I would forever remain alone. I have to take the action to get to know people and that is happening right now and it feels good to have someone interested in getting to know me for me. Take it slow boy is the motto I am chanting to myself. Don't let the ego get in the way. Just move slow, get to know and have some fun in the process.
I am approaching this new year with a new attitude. I am no longer that scared little boy hidden behind the shield of woman. I am no longer that lost child waiting to be save. I am a man moving towards my life in a direction that I have control, I have the wheel. I can choose who to bring along for the ride. I can change passengers whenever I want and even sometimes I can step out of the way and let someone else drive.
It's all my choice. This is a new year with a new life and I am in charge along with my Higher Power.
So many changes last year. Some for the better all for the good is the way I am looking at it.
So right now I am in search of that next better job, in search of that next person to love and in search of the man I am becoming.
It's a new year with a new life. I am learning more and more every day to just remain teachable. Remain willing to listen, willing to step up and walk out on that water without fear.
I remember once being in so much fear that I was not going to ever love someone if I became trans. That I would forever remain alone. I have to take the action to get to know people and that is happening right now and it feels good to have someone interested in getting to know me for me. Take it slow boy is the motto I am chanting to myself. Don't let the ego get in the way. Just move slow, get to know and have some fun in the process.
I am approaching this new year with a new attitude. I am no longer that scared little boy hidden behind the shield of woman. I am no longer that lost child waiting to be save. I am a man moving towards my life in a direction that I have control, I have the wheel. I can choose who to bring along for the ride. I can change passengers whenever I want and even sometimes I can step out of the way and let someone else drive.
It's all my choice. This is a new year with a new life and I am in charge along with my Higher Power.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Stuff
Today I started my new job. Working from home was very different. I have to pull out all the discipline I can muster just not to slack off. But I have incentives to make money to get the things I need in order to continue my journey. I want to set a goal to have top surgery by this time next year. So I have to work hard and save the cash I will need to make it through this. I know if I put my trust in God and let him work it out it will happen.
I am so excited about this job. It will allow me to test my marketing skills and also my sales ability to step up and perform.
I just need to continue with the discipline and not become a slacker.
I am so excited about this job. It will allow me to test my marketing skills and also my sales ability to step up and perform.
I just need to continue with the discipline and not become a slacker.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Name Change
So all the official paper work is in and I can now move forward to changing all documents to my new name. There is a little bit of sadness to losing the name Charlotte. It was Charlotte who endured evil at the hands of my uncle. It was Charlotte who watch her Father take his last breath. It was Charlotte who walked into the rooms of AA and got clean and sober. So many milestones that Charlotte took. What will the path for Charley be like? So many changes. New job, new name, new life. Some times I wonder if I am doing too much too soon. But you know I have to take action on being in love with my life and start to live again. I have never been so content with my life right now. I am living the peaceful, serene life I have always thought I could never have.
Today I am truly Charley. As the name says it means Free Man. Today I am a free man!
Today I am truly Charley. As the name says it means Free Man. Today I am a free man!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Changes Continue
Today I feel more in touch with who I am as a human being. New job in the works where I can take a deep breath and exhale a little financially. It's still not within reach but I can see some financial breathing happening in the near future. I will be okay. No matter what happens I will be alright. I just have learned to turn it over to my Higher Power I choose to call God and let the rest move at its own pace. I have no control.
I still feel like I am in the in between stage but that too is something I need to just accept and move through it.
Today I am just me. I am someone who is becoming who I have wanted to be since a child.
My thoughts still go back to that tree with my green army men. There are days I wish I could play with those green army men again. I guess why can't I? I mean there is nothing wrong with me going back and living bits of my childhood again by playing with some toys. Sounds crazy? I don't think so. I just want to be able to get in touch with that which has been lost. Lately I miss my memories of my childhood. I want to remember more. I want to feel more. I try and reach deep down and pull out those memories but it's just not there. Am I trying too hard? Maybe one day I will buy me some green army men and play with them. I want to connect with some of my past. I want to accept some of my past. I want to be able to feel safe looking at my childhood. Maybe working with Michael I can do that. Maybe slowly going to the tree and climbing it I will be able to see the view and feel safe about doing it.
I still feel like I am in the in between stage but that too is something I need to just accept and move through it.
Today I am just me. I am someone who is becoming who I have wanted to be since a child.
My thoughts still go back to that tree with my green army men. There are days I wish I could play with those green army men again. I guess why can't I? I mean there is nothing wrong with me going back and living bits of my childhood again by playing with some toys. Sounds crazy? I don't think so. I just want to be able to get in touch with that which has been lost. Lately I miss my memories of my childhood. I want to remember more. I want to feel more. I try and reach deep down and pull out those memories but it's just not there. Am I trying too hard? Maybe one day I will buy me some green army men and play with them. I want to connect with some of my past. I want to accept some of my past. I want to be able to feel safe looking at my childhood. Maybe working with Michael I can do that. Maybe slowly going to the tree and climbing it I will be able to see the view and feel safe about doing it.
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