Finally Free....

Yesterday I had an interview. It was one of the toughest interviews I have ever been in. This put down every thing I talked about. Criticized my work history. I held my ground but I left there feeling very low. Feeling like I had been a failure in my life. I quickly said a prayer of simply God have your way about this. I already have a job and its not the end of the world if I don't get it.
Just as I was talking about this with a friend. The email came in. I had gotten the job! It's more money than I have ever made since my Value American days. It will allow me to not be so under the gun with money and bills. It will give me a financial freedom I have prayed for and wanted for years. It is out of sales. I have prayed and asked God to get me out of sales. I just was not cut for sales any longer. Meeting quotas, asking people to buy. I had just burned out from that. But God answered just in time. I think about that gospel song. He may not come when you need him but he will be there right on time.
Thank God I never gave up looking for that right job. Thank God he when in his time answered my prayers!

Prayers

I have been more in tune with my Higher Power lately. Just turning things over to my Higher Power more and more. I realized that I had no other choice. It was either drive myself crazy with anxiety or just pray and turn it over. Funny how things seems to huge and overwhelming until you take care of them and just move on.

I have been thinking a lot of about my life and what it means and how content I am. I don't have a lot of money, behind on some of my bills but I am happy, joyous and free. I am content. It's a good feeling.

Not Regret The Past

I have been thinking a lot about my past. What if I had done this, or what if I had done that. In the end it really does not matter what I have done before. It is what am I doing with it at this moment? I can be a victim of my past or I can be a survivor. Today I choose to be a survivor. I choose to take my life and do something with it.
I have been feeling a little down lately and wondered why. I realize now it is because of possibly some medication issues. I really looked deep to find the source of why I was always so tired. This is call taking care of myself. This is something that I would have never done in the past. I would have let things go until it is was a critical moment. I am going to a therapist for the first time because I want to. Not because someone is making or suggesting that I go. But because I want to go. Big change.
The 9th Step Promises are coming true. I am amazed at where I am. These last few months have been a huge financial strain. Most of the time I have very little money to live off of after I pay bills. Being off for a month or so really put me behind. I am now playing catch up and most times it seems like I will never catch up. But as the 9th step promises has told me Fear of economic insecurity will leave. I no longer have that fear. I have faith. I have faith that the God I serve will take care of me. It is so true. I don't ever get an abundance but I get just what I need to get by. Some day my life will not be just getting by. Some day it will be about making it and enjoying life. That means not having that financial cloud hanging over me. It will be okay. I will be okay.

My Past No Longer A Victim

So next week for my job I have to meet with the man who 36 years ago raped me. I knew his first name but never knew his last name until today. He owns a lot of property here and I will be asking for his business. I know he won't remember me now I am male and have lost a lot of weight. I am sure if I were still a female he might remember me.
How do I feel about this? I really don't have any feelings about it at all. I am no longer living in that space 36 years ago. I am no longer a drunk or a drug addict. I took the role of victim away long time ago. I am a survivor. I will admit when I saw his picture in my bosses office today I cringed inside a little bit. For a moment came the feelings of being violated. But just as quickly as they came they went. I knew I was no longer that confused 17 year old. I realized that when I got in that car I knew what was going to happen. I knew that he was just not buying me booze to buy and drink we me. These are the things I knew because I have done a 4th step in my recovery. Looking at my part. Owning up to it. Moving on. Life now has a whole new different meaning for me. I will never forget what happened but I will never live in it again.

Just Want To Be A Guy

Life as a trans man is difficult. It really takes a lot of strength to come out and be who you truly are. Deep in my soul I am so comfortable with who I am. I am comfortable being the man that I am becoming.
It's times like going to the doctor that is hard. Having to take my shirt off and reveal my breasts. I want them gone. It takes so much to take the shirt off and then the binder. Exposing what I don't want to expose is women's parts.
I had to do that yesterday at the doctor. Just being exposed as a woman takes a lot out of me. I just want to be a guy. They are setting up an appointment for GYN and I know that will be another moment. What will I look like in the waiting room at the GYN office? I don't want to be treated special. I just want to be treated with respect.
One day I won't have the breast to worry about. That will be a great day. It will be a day that I will truly be free to express who I am. As for now I just humble myself and keep on moving.

Tears

Last night I cried. Normally I would not make such a big deal out of this. I cried because I miss my Mother. I cried because for the first time I felt alone. I felt like I was just needed to be close to her. I have been missing my Mother a lot these last few days. I just never thought about what it would be like once she is gone. It's a hole in my heart. In the past I will fill that hole with drugs, alcohol and even food. Today I let the feelings flow and that is okay. It's okay to just say I am sad and move through it. I am doing what I need to do to get by. If I cry tonight that is okay too.

Starting Therapy Again

So its time to get back on the sofa and start therapy. I have been battling a little depression. I want to address it before it gets out of hand. Man that is different in the past I would have been putting it off until I just had to do something. I see so much growth in my life. I know things are different with. Is it because I am sober or is it my transition? Maybe its a little bit of both. I think after working with Jen I was afraid I would never connect with a therapist the way I did with her. I have come to realize that everyone is different. I have to accept that what Jen brought to the table for me is not what someone else will bring.
I encourage everyone who is in transition to get therapy and if possible continue for a long time. Things change in our lives. We have to be ready for the change. I had Jen when I first came out about my transition. I had Michael as I was in my beginning stages. I will use this person for my maintenance. I have so much to be thankful for right now in my life. Finances are not good but other parts of my life is great. I am feeling more secure in who I am. I am ready for my next stage in life.

Long Time

Been a while since I have felt like writing. I guess I am going through some depression. Missing my Mother, finances etc. I am trying to take it a day at a time but I just have no energy. I get through what I need to but all other times I just hang out on the sofa and stare at the blank TV. Most times I sleep. I wake up tired and go to bed tired. I have to go get some help. I have  docs appointment tomorrow and will address all of this. I don't even have energy to write or read.
This all started right after my Mother died. So I know there is some of this going on. I need to get back to praying and taking time to just meditate and get quiet. The quiet I have is not settled. Not sure how to explain it it just is not a peaceful quiet. I sure hope I can connect with someone who I like and can help me through this.
I want to finish my book, I want to be a success on my job. I just want to get back to enjoying life.

My Mother

My mother died yesterday. I don't know if I have the words to describe how this pain feels. Even though she was 97 years old its a shock. I really thought after she got sick this last time she would be with us just a little bit longer. She died peacefully in her sleep at her home in the early morning hours. She leaves a generation of people that will leave on. We are better people because of her. I watched my Mother work long and hard hours to provide for her family. She always wanted the best for us and provided as best as she could.
I also watched my Mother become a wonderful Grandmother and eventually a Great Grandmother. Although we never spoke about my transition I felt that as her health began to fail that it was not important. It was not about me it was about allowing my Mother to live out her last years. Making her comfortable and providing for her as best as we could.

Next week we will say our final good byes. She is at peace now. I just have to live the life my Mother would have wanted with grace and dignity.

Lost Of A Cousin

Yesterday I lost a cousin that growing up we were always together. He rode with me every day to High School. We were always out and about and being the life of the party. We did a lot of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol together. He never stopped. I got sober and he continued drinking. When I saw him Christmas day he looked really bad. Should I have said something to him? He was not drunk Christmas morning. Always came to see us on Christmas morning. Was always happy to see us.
He is yet another black male in our family that dies at a young age. Besides my Father and his two brothers all the other males in our family never make it to retirement age. They die from drinking. This is the same thing with my cousin. His liver just said no more. His body said I can't take this. It could have been me. But I chose to get sober and clean and stay that way. I chose not to be one of those numbers in my family. Have I broken the chain or did I just step out of the circle?

January 2014

So its a new year. Every starts out with these new years resolutions. I am going to say I am setting some new goals. I start  a new job in a few days and will be back in sales. I realized that sales is really what I know in life and its a passion I have. A friend told me to find what I am passionate about and make it a job. So goal number one is to do the best I can at this new job. Be aggressive and honest about my work. Be appreciative that I have a job.
Goal two okay we all hear it. Lose weight. I need to get on a healthy eating kick and stick to it.
Goal three live life. I am going to enjoy my life more. Get out and do things that I have never done. Have more fun in life. Be more proactive with my work with Black Transmen.
Goal four write more! Write more here in my blog and also with my novel. I can say I want to write a novel but if I don't continue writing it will never become a novel. I have just had writers block for the last two months. I need to see why I am not interested in getting back on this.
So my last goal is to save money. Okay so these goals are not too hard and they are within reach. I need to speak these out to a friend so that I can be held accountable.

Family Gatherings

So today I gather with my family. The pronouns will be different. I will not be looked at as Charley but as Charlotte. Will I correct them or just let it slide? These are the questions that float constantly in my mind with friends and family. Amazing though my AA community accepts my changes and respects my wishes. Why is it that family does not? Could it be that I need to instill it more to them? I don't know I just wish I was born a male. That way none of this would have to happen. I wouldn't have the fear in the gut feeling every time I fill out an application or go on a job interview. I would not have to feel like I am a trader. Most important I would not have to feel like I am doing something wrong.
It's a struggle with the transition. More so than just coming out as gay or lesbian.
I have some struggle every day about who I am. Will this get easier? Would it be better if I moved? I can't predict the future just have to learn to live in the today. For today I am grateful to have a family to go to. That later this evening I will be spending time with a good friend and her family. All is good. I am not going to let pronouns and a name to change my course today.

The Gathering

Little things make such a difference to me at this time in my life. I will be gathering with the family on Thursday and it will be the first time I am sporting a mustache. I feel a little awkward about it. Even considered shaving it off. But I finally realized that if I am going to truly be a trans man I need to not be afraid. Being afraid of what people would think of me has been the driving force of my life. I have to let go of that fear and just keep moving in the direction I want my life to be in. I have to become the man I want to be without any reservations.
For years I lived my life in the shadows. Afraid to express who I am and who I wanted to love for fear of what people would think. Today I am proud of who I am. I am a decent, loving black man of trans experience. I am someone who loves their life, loves deeply friends I have in my life and I am proud to be a black man.
Today I will express who I am in whatever way I want to. I will be loving, kind and grateful for the life God has given me. Knowing that God is by my side.
I am proud and I am a black transman.

Feeling Grateful

You know at the moment I am unemployed. Money is really tight. But I still have a lot to be grateful for. Grateful that I don't find it necessary to take a drink or a drug today after 7 1/2 years. That its not my automatic go to like it use to be. That drama and ego inflation is not a part of my life today. Today I try to remain humble and know that its not about me.
Tonight I am going to pray for this job and know that it's okay to ask God to send it to me. Tonight before I go to bed I would have did the best I could at living as a decent human being just for today. Tonight I okay.

Changes

As I see more and more changes with my body. The more I feel like hiding. I have been growing a mustache and I feel so open and raw about it. There are times I want to just shave it off so that people don't think I am so sort of freak who does not know about my transition Why should I care? I am living my life being who I am comfortable being. These are the things that I carry around with me. I need to talk to someone about them. Express my fears and my feelings. I wish I lived in a town where no one knows me. Where I am just another person. Is this normal? Why should I care what people think? I am who I am.
Tonight I was in the grocery store. Saw someone I knew from many years ago. I went down the next aisle to keep from speaking to her. I felt so raw, so ashamed of who I am. Am I being a fake? Is this normal for where I am in my transition?
I am comfortable being a man, but uncomfortable being a man in front of people who know me. I worry they are going to think I am some sort of freak, sick. Just the way I was treated when I was a little girl trying to fit in. Being laughed at and bullied by friends. I was always treated like a freak. I was even called one. So when I see someone that has some sort of idea of what I am doing, I feel that rawness. The same rawness I felt as a child at the big tree near the merry go round.
Am I that child again?

Been Awhile

So its been awhile since I posted on the page. Life has had its series of ups and down. Another job lost. Which means another having to explain myself when they do background checks. I want to just settle down with a stable job and have a good life of work and pleasure. Is that too much to ask for? I have been dealing with writers block and have not been able to write a lot. No writing in my journal,, no writing on my novel. I really wish I could get past this block and get back to writing. I remember when I was drinking and doing drugs it was then I could put my thoughts and feelings down on paper. Now that I am sober I have such a difficult time putting thoughts, feelings down on paper. I need to get past this procrastination and get busy.
I have so much to write about, so much in my head and in my heart but I can't seem to put it down on paper.
I need to do small writing exercises like this one. Try to put thoughts and feelings down every day.

Here I am

So here I am with no job, money running low and I have writers block. Can't seem to get motivated enough to continue writing. I have about another 100 pages to go and I think I would be finished. Why is it that I cant buckle down and write. There is so much in my head that needs to go on paper. So much of my past that I need to write about. I have to pray that I am going to start moving in the direction of writing and soon. I have so many excuses. So much idle time on my hands. I think I am a lot more depress about this job situation than I am letting on.
I am so grateful for the meds I am on that will not allow me to get any further depress than I already am.
It helps that I have someone to talk to. My good friend. She supports me in every endeavor I am doing.
Pretty much my day is filled with minor things to do around the house. I basically sit and stare at the computer screen for hours. What am I to do?

Two Steps Forward Three Backwards

So I have been laid off again. This time I did not see it coming. I was performing well. Meeting targets. So what was the problem this time? Couldn't really explain except they are doing a reduction and I am one of the people they were sending out the door.
So here I go again. Having to find a job. Fear I am not going to meet my bills, fear I will lose stuff. Just normal fear and panic. But I just keep praying. When fear creeps up I just stop and pray. I don't know anything else to do. I am taking action. Resume is up to date and I am sending them out there.
I have faith that God is not going to let me down. I have to do the next right thing. I have to just keep taking action. Faith without works is dead. I am much stronger than my last lay off. I am more centered and grounded. I am going to take the off time to also write more and just take care of me. I am not afraid for the moment.

2 Years

Last Friday was two years of being on T for me. In March it will be 3 years of coming out as trans. I have had it fairly easy compared to what some people have to deal with. I still have my family who ignores. Ignoring is easier than accepting. But that's okay I am who I am. I pretty much came out trans over the weekend by being interview by the local paper. That too was God doing for me what I could not do for myself. It was decent and in order. That is how God wants me to live my life. Live it as a good and decent man.

When I got to work on Monday I had some people who looked funny at me. Was it my imagination or was it true. I then got a call that my pay was being cut and I was the only one being effected by this. Last month I was the best thing going bringing in money for the company. This week they are struggling and not meeting the goals. Which is it with me. But you know I took it all in stride. Was again the decent and in order man that I am trying to be. I accepted but I don't have to work there for the rest of my life. So I have started actively looking for a new job.
I will do what God directs me to do. Stay in prayer over this and just do the next right thing.
2 years and its bringing a lot of different changes. Who would have believe two years ago I would be giving myself injections. Who would have believe that 2 years ago I would be speaking out about our local pride. 2 years ago who would have believe that I would be so content with life?

Just Stuff

Got a lot of stuff going on in my head. I am feeling pretty good about myself this week. Feeling confident. But man that feeling of I want to hide when I see people from my past can come on so quickly.
I see people from my past at work and I find myself hiding. Like today I saw a few old friends from the past and I would not go up and speak to them. First I have not shaved in a few days so I got the beard thing going on. Second I just don't want for them to out me at work. I know I need to step up and not worry about that but its something that I fight with daily. What if I get caught at work and people find out that I was a girl once named Charlotte.
I see now it might be some help to go find another therapist to throw this stuff off at. A different perspective. But then there is the problem of finding someone who deals with trans issues. I don't know its a lot I thought I dealt with a lot with the name change and telling some people. It's down to the nitty gritty now and its a little scary.